08-23-2014, 12:44 PM
I thought i'd go into a little more detail about some of the more subtle things I've noticed on this sub which give me indication that things have changed somewhat, and thoughts on blocks i'm facing.
In summary.
1. Date with girl, I was very calm, not worrying about trying to impress, but afraid to escalate or indicate my intentions.
2. I'm talking with senior colleagues and bosses like they're on my level.
3. I get more attention from women generally, and am more relaxed around them - the goal of "Treat women as people to enjoy the company of, without taking them too seriously, needing them, or being easily upset by them." seems to be very true, and it shows in the increased time i spend with women socially.
4. I'm still hitting bouts of severe depression, discontent and anxiety, but the tools i'm using to clear these help alot and ensure they're relatively short lived.
soo....
The date I was just on, I was uninterested in qualifying myself to this girl - joking and funny when i wanted to be, open with my feelings about things, and totally calm and content to be quiet at others, just listening and letting her talk. She said that she'd dated a few 'boys' recently and it was always irritating how they tried too hard to impress. I reflected on how often in the past i'd been a clown trying to impress, picking up huge tabs (we split it).
On the not so great side I was still hesitant to express my desire for her. I wanted to escalate. Or more I wanted her to escalate, and wanted her to desire me enough that she would make the first move. which is neediness, and wanting validation again. I have a trace fear that i would make an unwelcome advance and would be rejected.
As I write it occurs to me that this might also be because I have a base self image as an undesirable, someone who repulses women - mainly because of my high school experiences. Let's just say I'm unique looking where I come from, and exotic looks are not particularly welcome (at least when I was younger). I also don't want women to see me as dirty - on some level i look at sexual escalation as a dirty act done to an innocent (text book madonna-whore complex), and my escalation is just me being barbaric. Of course those are just bullshit belief structures that need to be broken down, I only write them because they occur to me as i do, and then because they might help somone else who identifies with them.
People seem to respond well to me on a social level, but not on a work level. Women in particular. I was sitting by a senior manager and it clearly blew his mind a little when over the course of about 2 hours, one woman had walked over to my desk just to flirt, another to say she was excited about our dinner date, and then another to ask when i was going to take her out on a dinner date! the manager, though I think he thinks of me as incompetent was making an effort with me after to joke around, which he never does. Another work colleague who always gets annoyed at me invited me over to his place to sample some good quality spirits (since I was talking about how i liked them).
I talk to some of the most senior people, when not talking about work, in a tone which doesn't acknowledge any difference. However when I'm talking about work and i need to have organised communication i find this difficult, i panic and talk rubbish. I put this down to problems with ADHD. Posts on this forum have been quite instructive on the effects of 'heavy metals' on the brain, and i want to change my diet to improve on my mental clarity - I find this difficult, i have tried many times and failed many times.
I want to eliminate all blocks to work motivation and anxieties about it, so that i at least make my best effort, right now i just seem to peter out of drive for getting work done, pushing a head iwth it becaus i don't feel there is any reward.
I'm going to experiment with PSTEC now to see how it helps.
Ah and I missed one and a half nights due to phone battery dying/sleepphones falling off!!!
that's 16 nights (14.5 discounting the above) passed since i started listening to stage 1 of AM6 for the second time.
In summary.
1. Date with girl, I was very calm, not worrying about trying to impress, but afraid to escalate or indicate my intentions.
2. I'm talking with senior colleagues and bosses like they're on my level.
3. I get more attention from women generally, and am more relaxed around them - the goal of "Treat women as people to enjoy the company of, without taking them too seriously, needing them, or being easily upset by them." seems to be very true, and it shows in the increased time i spend with women socially.
4. I'm still hitting bouts of severe depression, discontent and anxiety, but the tools i'm using to clear these help alot and ensure they're relatively short lived.
soo....
The date I was just on, I was uninterested in qualifying myself to this girl - joking and funny when i wanted to be, open with my feelings about things, and totally calm and content to be quiet at others, just listening and letting her talk. She said that she'd dated a few 'boys' recently and it was always irritating how they tried too hard to impress. I reflected on how often in the past i'd been a clown trying to impress, picking up huge tabs (we split it).
On the not so great side I was still hesitant to express my desire for her. I wanted to escalate. Or more I wanted her to escalate, and wanted her to desire me enough that she would make the first move. which is neediness, and wanting validation again. I have a trace fear that i would make an unwelcome advance and would be rejected.
As I write it occurs to me that this might also be because I have a base self image as an undesirable, someone who repulses women - mainly because of my high school experiences. Let's just say I'm unique looking where I come from, and exotic looks are not particularly welcome (at least when I was younger). I also don't want women to see me as dirty - on some level i look at sexual escalation as a dirty act done to an innocent (text book madonna-whore complex), and my escalation is just me being barbaric. Of course those are just bullshit belief structures that need to be broken down, I only write them because they occur to me as i do, and then because they might help somone else who identifies with them.
People seem to respond well to me on a social level, but not on a work level. Women in particular. I was sitting by a senior manager and it clearly blew his mind a little when over the course of about 2 hours, one woman had walked over to my desk just to flirt, another to say she was excited about our dinner date, and then another to ask when i was going to take her out on a dinner date! the manager, though I think he thinks of me as incompetent was making an effort with me after to joke around, which he never does. Another work colleague who always gets annoyed at me invited me over to his place to sample some good quality spirits (since I was talking about how i liked them).
I talk to some of the most senior people, when not talking about work, in a tone which doesn't acknowledge any difference. However when I'm talking about work and i need to have organised communication i find this difficult, i panic and talk rubbish. I put this down to problems with ADHD. Posts on this forum have been quite instructive on the effects of 'heavy metals' on the brain, and i want to change my diet to improve on my mental clarity - I find this difficult, i have tried many times and failed many times.
I want to eliminate all blocks to work motivation and anxieties about it, so that i at least make my best effort, right now i just seem to peter out of drive for getting work done, pushing a head iwth it becaus i don't feel there is any reward.
I'm going to experiment with PSTEC now to see how it helps.
Ah and I missed one and a half nights due to phone battery dying/sleepphones falling off!!!
that's 16 nights (14.5 discounting the above) passed since i started listening to stage 1 of AM6 for the second time.
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
