08-18-2014, 08:28 AM
whoooaaa
depression this morning to hyper-not giving a shit this afternoon. i'm just not caring, i've sat at work today not doing anything - with zero worry. i'm just playing around, even asked a girl out who is going out with me now this weekend.
Can't seem to get myself to work. there's no payoff apart from not getting fired, and retaining a salary which is extraordinarily low for the level of qualification i have. planning needs to be done to move on up and out!
the next not giving a shit is not giving a shit about giving up working on stuff i don't want to work on and working on what i do want to work on. I won't say that i want to work on something i care about, i used to be idealistic, at this point in time i don't think i care about anything other than taking care of my family and myself. I don't have any noble life goal or all consuming purpose at the moment, having that would be ideal (at lest the all consuming purpose part) but for now i will settle upon finally getting my business under way and using my f*cking sh1t job as practice for banging out the nitty gritty tasks i have to do.
last night i went to a party - full of people much older than me, they used to intimidate me to the point where i'd just be silent in front of them - it's labouring a point and repeating what i've said but whatever it was good to notice that i was just doing what i wanted to do. i didn't even particularly want to talk to them because i don't find them interesting.
I'm looking forward to this date. it's bringing up a lot. Desire to please, to entertain, fear of intimacy, need to be liked again, wanting to close.
Just going to tap it all the hell out - goal is to just go 100% expectation and care free (I'll look to release that first)
The dreams i'm having are getting crazier. I had one about convincing an innocent person that they should give up on life because they'd done something wrong when it was really my fault - i woke up with the most awful guilt i've ever felt - hense the depression i guess. I don't know what my subconcious is trying to work through with dreams like this!
depression this morning to hyper-not giving a shit this afternoon. i'm just not caring, i've sat at work today not doing anything - with zero worry. i'm just playing around, even asked a girl out who is going out with me now this weekend.
Can't seem to get myself to work. there's no payoff apart from not getting fired, and retaining a salary which is extraordinarily low for the level of qualification i have. planning needs to be done to move on up and out!
the next not giving a shit is not giving a shit about giving up working on stuff i don't want to work on and working on what i do want to work on. I won't say that i want to work on something i care about, i used to be idealistic, at this point in time i don't think i care about anything other than taking care of my family and myself. I don't have any noble life goal or all consuming purpose at the moment, having that would be ideal (at lest the all consuming purpose part) but for now i will settle upon finally getting my business under way and using my f*cking sh1t job as practice for banging out the nitty gritty tasks i have to do.
last night i went to a party - full of people much older than me, they used to intimidate me to the point where i'd just be silent in front of them - it's labouring a point and repeating what i've said but whatever it was good to notice that i was just doing what i wanted to do. i didn't even particularly want to talk to them because i don't find them interesting.
I'm looking forward to this date. it's bringing up a lot. Desire to please, to entertain, fear of intimacy, need to be liked again, wanting to close.
Just going to tap it all the hell out - goal is to just go 100% expectation and care free (I'll look to release that first)
The dreams i'm having are getting crazier. I had one about convincing an innocent person that they should give up on life because they'd done something wrong when it was really my fault - i woke up with the most awful guilt i've ever felt - hense the depression i guess. I don't know what my subconcious is trying to work through with dreams like this!
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
