AM 5.0 for Gay Men - Adri's Journal

[Adri]

Day 20 + 21 + 22 + 23

Hey guys, sorry for the 4 days without any news from me. Here's what happened to me
I have some kind of infection inside the nose, which gives me headaches, ears hurting, nose blocked, throat hurting. But it's getting better ! I saw my doctor yesterday and she told me to spray my nose with a "nose cleaner" (I don't know how it's called in English).
Today, I went to the university to take a class in order to see if the courses were appealing to me (I will study psychology) and they were !
I was very social today, making laugh the whole auditorium (300 people), speaking to some people around me. A lot of girls were looking at me ! (But sorry girls, I like guys). I met a new friend today and answered right to all the questions the teacher was asking (the level of the course was pretty high (BAC+3 and I've not even started university yet!). Good day ! I feel my confidence really rising up Thanks Shannon !!!

See you guys,
-Adri

[Adri]

Day 24

I was sad today. I don't know why but I felt like I was just pretending living. I felt like all my life is based on pretending that I am someone I am not. I know it's untrue but this feeling was really there ! I went home and took a Sleep Magic's Power Nap. When I "woke up" I was a little bit more happy but still sad. I am still right now. I know the duration of this type of feeling is one day, not more (based on my experience with AM5 for the moment, let's hope the duration of those sad moments will not expand!) so I think that I will be much better tomorrow.

Have a good night,
-Adri

[Adri]

Days 25 + 26 + 27 + 28 + 29

Hey guys ! So I've been quite "depressed" those last days. I am rehashing old past errors I made, moments during which I did not live up to my standards. I am also more angry at people, I had an argument with a teacher today (hey, she was wrong ). But something lit up my day today. I was in the bus on a single person seat and there were no seats left so people had to stand. A little girl (4 - 5 years old) came to my seat and just sat down in a little space between me and the armrest. She was really cute and it is the first time I felt so caring for a child ! I wanted to ask her where was her mother but she fell asleep on me. Her mother was 2 or 3 meters away in the bus but as soon as she realized her child was on my seat she came and I smiled to her, she smiled back and she started to rock her girl. When they went out of the bus, I could see them outside through the window and they were waving their hands at me. It blowed me away. I wanted to cry because it was really magical. I cannot explain why but this moment was magical !

That's all for today,
-Adri

[Adri]

Day 30

Hey !

So today was very flat. Nothing happened at school apart from the fact that I now see that I am more cold with some people (who are really below beta !). Before, I tried to please everyone but yesterday, I had a conversation with guy who is really alpha (you want to say yes at everything he says even if you are not OK with what he says) and I noticed I was behaving really beta with him (agreeing with everything). Then I thought "Wait a minute, what do I have to show him ? If I don't agree with what he says, just say it !". I did it and it was very hard to go against him but very great at the same time because now I feel less beta ! And I try to practice this skill as much as I can by telling people I don't agree with them or to just not respond when they really are sucking value (like begging for approval by making jokes or making statements which have nothing to do with the discussion and just killing the flow !) without giving me any value back ! I just ignore them. It's hard because I know how it feels like. But I don't want to align with those guys so I have to leave them where they are at, they are just poisoning my life !

Well, I'll go to sleep ! Bye
-Adri

[Adri]

Day 31-32

All I remember from those days is that nothing important happend.

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Stage 2
Day 33 - 42
Hey guys, sorry for this long silent period. Quite a few things happened. I was feeling really depressed and didn't want to do anything. Some days were OK but other days, well I did not want to talk to anybody. I saw an old friend of mine I had not seen for quite a long time. She told me she did not recognize me in some of my actions, that I would have never done those things before. I argued with my teachers, one of them told me to leave the class (she did not want me to drink water and she's drinking all the time!). I did not want to go to school, I did not want to see anyone. This lasted like one week. Two days ago, I pushed myself to go out with some friends. I've had a great time ! Half through the night, some friends left because it was time for them. I stayed with one girl who I really enjoy being with. We were in the same bar as other people of my class (guys I viewed as more alpha than me) so we spent the rest of the night with them. They bored me a lot ! I'm really happy to have been able to look at them from this perspective. They are boring, not amusing, they don't speak about anything ! Well the last half of the night was horrible.
Yesterday and today, I was even more depressed than before ! I don't know why but I started to feel like I was feeling some years before (I was feeling really bad, wanting to cry all the day, thinking nobody loved me, ...). All my projects stayed on hold, since I had lost all my concentration. But today evening, something clicked in my mind. I was looking in the mirror of my bathroom and I felt attractive. I realized I was like every other guy I like. I am still different but it's all right, it's in a good manner now ! I don't know if this feeling will last but I hope so.

Bye guys, have a nice day.
-Adri

[Adri]

Days 43 - 44 - 45
My "depression" seems to be gone. My productivity came back and I have now started working on my english, mainly to improve my accent. I feel like before I started AM. I cannot explain what this feeling is because I have no word to describe it, in english as well as in french. My mind is shouting at me "this is because it doesn't work !!!". Hopefully, I know it is working, I have changed in subtle ways (I now try not to give attention to others especially Natural Alpha Males because they are really annoying me now. But I still feel like they are above me socially speaking). But as subtle as those changes may be, they are still good changes and they tell me something is working in my mind. But I hope that the next stages will make big changes to my behavioral blueprint, I don't feel that alpha for the moment. But hey, something is ticking in my subconsious, I can feel it. I hope it will reveal itself soon !

That's all for today,
-Adri

[Adri]

Day 46 - 51

I feel like nothing is happening. It's as if I was slipping back to my old state. I suppose this is what should happen for me to move on. I also think a lot about my ex-boyfriends, a thing I didn't do before. I hope I will get more results in the next stage. If I've got results from this subliminal, I may be blind to them right now. I don't know... We'll see how this turns out

Bye guys,
-Adri

[Adri]

Day 52 - 59
Hey guys,
I have not been noticing some change recently apart from what I've already described in other posts. But what I'm noticing is that a lot of stuff are surfacing. Old fears manly like fear of being murdered, fear of being HIV + (I'll seriously need to test myself !), fear of going in jail,...
I am very introspective too and my emotions are on a rollercoaster. I think this stage is cleaning me from all the old crap I have inside my head.
I am also pushed to have sex. There is one guy at school who seems interested to me. I haven't talked to him before but he looks at me all the time. He's not the type of guy I want to make out with normally but I feel like I want to have sex with him anyways. He's not particularly good looking. I don't understand why. Maybe I'll go to speak to him some day and I'll see where this leads me. I am not that afraid of approaching anymore, when I think about the concept it seems somewhat natural but I haven't done it before. I am accustomed to other guys approaching me and not the other way around. I think I'll have to move. I really want to approached but something is holding me from doing it. Maybe I just have to push myself. I don't know, as I said, we'll see where this leads me !

Bye
-Adri

[Adri]

Day 60 (! Philosophical Reflection on my life Below !)
Only 4 Days left on Stage 2. This stage will have been a real challenge. I wanted to drop the sub a lot of times. But I sticked ! I want to stick to it. Becoming an Alpha Male has been what I've always wanted to become. So I stick because this is the quickest and easiest path I've found. The sub "does all the work for you". By that I mean that it pushes you outside of your comfort zone. This did not happen on Stage 2 by the way. I remained quite comfortable doing things like I've always done. But it was challenging to stick because of the emotional challenges I had to deal with. Mostly sadness on my current social state. I am a guy who comes from really far socially speaking. I dedicated 6 years of my life (and still counting) to learn how to behave socially. I was really uncomfortable with other people. Kind of social anxiety. I have never been diagnosed for it but I may had it. I overcame it by pushing my comfort zone. I went from no friends to a fair amount of friends. Going out to parties. Night life. Boyfriends (that's still a sticking point, I may explain that later but too long and not in the right direction for this post). I learned what I needed to know to behave correctly and create rapport with other people. Not by surfing the internet as most people do. But by experimenting in the real world. I am proud of where I am today. But sad at the same time because I know there's still a lot more to discover. And I don't have the force to continue pushing myself constantly. But it needs to be done. Because I'm not happy with what I've got. And I think I never will. Something pushes me to attain new heights. The mountain has no top for me. The mountain is growing with me, like the mountain and me are one. And maybe that's what the world really is. You. Because you define your world. We all live in different worlds. Because we had different experiences. So you and only you define what can be achieved in your life. It's you who defines the heigth of the mountain. And for me it's infinite. But this never achieved goal makes me sad at times. Because as I'm climbing the mountain, I'm unable to see the ground. Some fogs are hiding it. So I'm not able to know what I have achieved. And this same fog is hiding the top. So I'm not able to know where this path leads me. But I have faith in the process. Everything I've done has led me to subjective success. I failed. But I kept trying. And eventually I took one step further. So we can see success as a path. Not as a goal. Success should never be attained. It does not exist. As we settle down in what we've got, our life starts to feel dull and boring. So you need to keep going. Take a road that leads nowhere but that makes you grow as you progress on it. Obstacles may be in the way. But obstacles are just in your mind. Nothing is real until you decide it is. So my sadness is real to me because I decided it is. Because I decided to be sad of not being able to see the ground. Which is something stupid. I should be proud to be on the path. And now that I decide I should be, I am. Proud of this hidden distance I've traveled. I need to focus on what is going on rather that on what went on. Focus on the path as it is now, not as it was miles before. Keep faith in the path. It will lead me where I need to be.

So stick to this sub. Maybe it will make me do a giant step on the path to the top of the mountain. Even if it doesn't, experience will be acquired during the process that couldn't have been acquired if I did not choose to use the sub. So stick. Wait. Faith.

-Adri

[IceAlive]

Adri, if it helps with anything, it was very hard for me to stick with the second stage of AM6. It's true that it wasn't because of a struggle similar to yours, but because of deep tiredness.

What I did was to take a few (4 in my case, but you can do up to 7) sparse days off on purpose, recovering them in the end. This considerably helped.

Absolutely, it's awesome that you made the decision to stick with it! As a therapist you know how important is to hold on to the process. It obviously can't be the case that the program tackles the issues in the most perfectly suitable order for you as an individual (it can't - it's a script meant to cover the most common cases), but I'm more than convinced that, as a whole, it covers what you need to solve.

Success with your endeavors!

[Adri]

Hey thanks IceAlive ! I'm also feeling deep tiredness ! It's something I did not mention but good to see someone with experiences similar to mines. I think I will not take any day off, since habits are really hard for me to keep. Even after 2 months of use, I think I could totally forget to restart AM5. A lot of things will happen in my life during the next weeks so I may forget the sub.
As you say, changing one's beliefs might take time but this is the fact that I want to quit that tells me I'm on the right path. The process is really important because at an unconscious level, something is changing the way you view yourself and the world. Even if this does not seem to work, it takes time for the conscious mind to pick up on the changes made at an unconscious level. So sticking to it is important !
Thanks again for your reply, it motivates me !

[Adri]

Days 61 -62

Those last two days, I felt like something was settling down in my mind. I felt more one with myself. Yesterday (day 62), I met with an old friend and she told me I looked less stressed and more "composed" (Google translate, don't know if this word is the right one ). Only one time, we were in a chocolate shop and a shop assistant handed me some chocolates to try them. I told him I was sorry but that I did not like black chocolate. The guy was black ! I felt so ashamed, but he was so big that I wasn't able to see his face until I had said the fatal phrase. So he took a white chocolate and gave it me saying "You might like this one better !". I think my face was red like a volcano and I just wanted to go out of the shop as quick as possible.
Apart from this amusing story, the day went really nice, with no worrying at all.

-Adri

[Adri]

Days 63 - 64
I felt more and more like something was sinking inside me. Nothing else happened on this stage.

---------------------------
Stage 3

Days 65 - 68

So I'm 4 days into Stage 3 and this stage is just amazing guys! First day I used Stage 3, I woke up more energized. I was still tired during the day, but much better than with Stage 2.
The first thing I have noticed is that I am now more social, a little bit like how it was with ASC. But it's in a more refined way I find. I am now "more alpha". What I mean by that is that I handle difficult situations with more ease and keeping my calm. For example, yesterday we got our trimester report on how good we did at school. Mine was quite bad, but the explanation is just below, in the discussion I had with a teacher. So as I said we got our reports and the teacher told me that my grades were sinking. I told "Yes, I know". I saw he wanted to discuss further to "bring me back on the right track". But I did not want to, so I took my report casually and told him "Thanks." and I went back to my seat. But he really wanted to talk so he told me:

- "Hey, you should try to work a little bit more"
- "I don't really know, I don't think so." I replied and took one step further. But he was not finished.
- "Why ?"
- "Because, you know, that's not the kind of studies I want to do. I don't want to be involved with mathematics. I will go to the university study psychology next year."
- "So why are you still coming to school ?"
- "Because if I don't, my parents will lose the money they get from the state, and we would struggle to live without that money" (that's how it works in Belgium, the parents get money from the state to support their child's education.)
- "You know what ? I think you are just confirming my point that we should not allow the parents to receive any money from the state if their child has not got good grades!"
- "I know, I don't say you're wrong, but I have no other choice." And I went finally back to my seat.

So this thing was handled pretty well because I did not enter in any debate. I just said I did not say he was wrong and let the thing fade away. Before AM, I would have debated and the two of us would probably have got angry. But this thing was handled quite well.
I had other points of disagreement with my teachers, all handled pretty well. Thanks AM.

Apart from this, I noticed today that I make more eye contact and that I notice more guys I would want to talk to. I do not have made any move at the moment, but I hope AM will help me approach some guys I don't know. Today there were many seats available in the bus but I noticed a guy I find attractive and something invisible just pushed me to go sit next to him. I did not talk to him but that's one step further! I'm only on day 4 of stage 3, remember !

My voice has also changed. It's more deep, and more assertive. My inflexions, instead of going up at the end of each phrases as I used to do, now go down unless it's a question. That's great stuff, since I have already tried before AM to make my inflexions go down by willpower but it did not work out.

I also went to the gym today, and I gave the machine I was working with to a guy who was waiting for his turn. He asked me if I had finished my reps and I told him that yes I was finished, don't worry. All of that was said in total confidence. This guy is the kind of guy I would have been scared of before, because of his big muscles and his dominant face. But he responded to me with a smile and a wink and said thanks. I now see him as a cool guy! Not my type of guy, but a cool guy! It's funny how scary people on the outside are beautiful in the inside. I think I should not judge anyone by his/her outside. If a guy seems to be a dick (like the guy at the gym), it does not mean he is. This is huge, because I have always understanded this concept on a logical level, but have never seen it applied. And this is amazing!

So that's all for today, I think you've got enough to read for the 2 next years
-Adri

[Adri]

Days 65 - 68 bis

I forgot to mention that I always woke up without my sleepphones during those 4 nights. Kind of strange, I think my subconscious does not like stage 3 My dreams were also weaker than on stage 2.