AM 5.0 Journal

[AlphaScorpio]

@Darkness That's a perfect combo! How's it working for ya? yeh I wanted to get AM so bad it looked too good to miss ;p

[AlphaScorpio]

Day 6 - Not alot to report, haven't been out much at all been spending most of my time playing Halo 3 lol. Seeing a good friend today to go to town and have a catch up so i'll be interested in seeing if he acts differently around me (or I around him), not going to be looking too hard for results though as I want to give the programe the best chance to make it's results without me interfering consciously.

Moving to grandparent's house this saturday, will be seeing a few friends before I go to say bye to, I'll probably come back in a few months but who knows for sure.

one thing actually I have noticed is the dreams, very interesting dreams I can't remember all of them but last night I had one where I was holding a gun and was demonstrating the firepower of the weapon by shooting at a tree infront of these people, they were like "omg what a beast" kinda exppressions lol...

I'm probably one of the people who doesn't react much in stage one and I'm fine with that, letting go of expectations feels real good

[Shannon]

http://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-AM-5-0...2#pid35792

[AlphaScorpio]

http://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-AM-5-0...2#pid35792

Just wondering Shannon, when you started doing AM did you go in with the expectations of what the subliminal would do to you?

[Shannon]

You have to understand that when *I* started, there was no AM. My first efforts at creating it were due to being walked all over and treated in a sexist manner by my girlfriend-at-the-time, and (although she didn't realize she was doing it), my mother. I was drowning in a sea of women who all disrespected me for being weak, but I was weak because they had been my only exposure to how to be, and they basically taught me to be weak and please women.

When I realized that I needed to become strong in and of myself in order to have self respect and self esteem, I started trying to create AM. My first effort was to take ASC as it was back then (Version 2005) and amp it up to the max. That blew up in my face because it made my ego explode out of control and I became a completely selfish, thoughtless asshole. I went too far in the other direction; so after a few months off subliminals to let that get out of my system, I started working on the 2006 version of AM, the first real program that could be said to be AM.

I didn't look for effects because I adopted a "let's play it and see" attitude. If I looked for effects, I'd have been interfering in what it really did; and if I had tried to "know it would work", same thing.

So I just set it looping in my bedroom, and forgot about it. Within a couple weeks, I started noticing effects and realizing they were changes from before, and enjoying them - but not looking for them.

Just relax. Let it do it's thing. There's nothing to worry about.

[AlphaScorpio]

The past few days I've been pondering what's wrong with me...I've come to the realization that there is one thing I am sure needs to be corrected - My fear of showing my true self. I get this so bad, like when I'm talking to someone and you know when you first meet them you can talk easy and can vibe well, but then about 5-10 minutes into it I just feel myself cut off and lock down emotionally. I get this fairly intense anxiety and paranoia that this person might not be trustworthy or that they could expose me or make me feel bad. I absolutely f****** hate this damn thing, absolutely hate it! I get it more with certain types of people...usually confident expressive ones, I just can't get close to people. Fear of rejection and the lack of trust in other people as well as self trust, I have no self trust :/

It's the 5th of May today and I finish stage 1 and start stage 2 on the 21st Of May, So far I haven't noticed much as i've kept myself from thinking about it, i just play it at night for about 8 hours, dreams are still occuring even after being in for a few weeks which obviously shows me it's working just building a foundation and subtle internal stuff.

Will keep you posted

[AlphaScorpio]

8 days left of AM Stage 1, although I haven't noticed much in terms of out of the ordinary results or epifanys (no idea how you spell it ;P) I can feel something almost adjusting inside, like turning a fresh page...interesting feeling. My mood seems to be fairly consistent from day to day, no major mood swings or days of depression, when I meet new people I do feel a little awkward and shy but around closer family (grandparents) and other people living in the house I feel fairly comfortable.

[AlphaScorpio]

So today I've had a full day of body crippling social anxiety, it's been my uncles cousins funeral and many people who I didnt know turned up, I felt awful, uncomfortable and I just felt trapped, haven't felt this bad at a gathering in a while. I got so emotional I just left the restraunt which we all went to and went for a walk along the coast, my mum then called me from home to see how I was doing, I just broke out crying which I haven't done since I was about 7 or 8 years old, I told mum that i'm well and truly fed up of having these feelings and I practically broke down infront of my grandparents and my uncles probably saw it too I felt so vulnerable but in a good way, usually I resist showing any sign of weakness and close down. It was such a release, I've just got back from the funeral and i'm feeling fragile but refreshed inside,Fucking angry I hate social anxiety

[RainbowAbyss]

if you hate social anxiety you will be resisting social anxiety-which amplifies social anxiety-try accepting it or even liking it and/or making fun of it--"there I go again shaking like a leaf in the wind just cause some people are around"-to make fun of yourself-even internally-you HAVE to be the observer of yourself-which means you've already transcended who you were-'cool' people recognize their own behavior and states-moment to moment- and know how to act accordly-i.e. James Bond.
In either case that anxiety will be gone in no time on Alpha-keep rocking on Scorpio

[AlphaScorpio]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement rainbow, much appreciated. It's true what you say, today at this funeral I believe it was bad because my grandmother was wanting me to meet all her 11 brothers and sisters so I felt expectation which makes the anxiety alot worse. I feel better now due to making myself go to two more social gatherings (not quite as big) when I could've chosen to of stayed at hotel room or gone to bed, I faced up to my fear and went for it, i'm also refusing to drink at events cause even though one little won't do much harm for most people... I tend to get dependent on stuff so i'm avoiding all drugs but caffeine (we brits must have our tea)

[AlphaScorpio]

day 31/32 on stage 1, got a problem shannon... i've had to download the AM 5.0 several times because I've ended up deleting them from the PC and now I can't download it anymore, I have no copies of it left on pc so im kinda f****d lol... can't continue onto stage 2 until I have downloaded it again, is there a way you can solve this?

thanks

[Shannon]

Why do you keep deleting them?

[AlphaScorpio]

Here's the story lol

Originally I downloaded it onto my Mum's laptop as my PC wasn't working, I then transfered stage 1 onto my ipod, then I moved from home to go and live with grandparents so I no longer had access to mum's computer for stage 2, so I then get a chance to access my grandad's computer and download AM, unfortunately about halfway through downloading it my grandad shuts the computer and stops the download (I didn't tell him I was downloading anything cause he'd get weird about it) so i have to wait for him to go out and then I click the link again and manage to get it downloaded onto his laptop, i use my usb to carry stage 2 on and deleted the rest of the AM folder cause my grandad would definately have a go at me for downloading it onto his laptop without telling him(strict and christian). Then the most stupid thing happened, I plugged my USB into my PC which had been fixed but with no internet access cause it's got no wireless adapter (left it at home) and the USB stick stopped working...like it wouldn't install onto my PC or let me access the files. So i get a memory stick off of grandad and go to try the download link for the 4th or 5th time lol and it says I've ran out of redownloads... what a pain in the ass.

[Shannon]

Okay, this next time, you should download all of them, and make a backup copy. DVD or CD or extra USB stick.

What's the order number?