A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)

[Benjamin]

"Hey baby.. you wanna go on an ate?".
"What the fuck do you mean? You forgot the D?".
"Don't worry..."
"...You'll get that later."

---

Monday 19/6/17 - Switched to Version B.

Sunday 2/7/17 - Back to Version A.
Sway testing - 3 loops at 6 volume.

Friday 28/7/17 - Started doing 5 loops of Version A as per sway test.

Monday 31/7/17 - Started doing Volume of 8 on Version A.

Tuesday 15/8/17 - Increased DMSI 3.1A to 6 loops as per sway test.

Sway Testing - DMSI 3.1 Version A until atleast 4/10/17. And Inner Bonding every day. (Started Inner Bonding 30/6/17)

Reparenting meditation started 16/7/17 Atleast 30 days twice a day, when I goto bed before putting on DMSI and just before getting up.

End of DMSI Wednesday 13/9/17.

[Benjamin]

So I keep posting in the discussion thread more than I expected so i'll open a journal again. Who knows how long i'll keep it though.

Monday 19/6/17 - Switched to Version B.

Did 8 loops for 2 nights. Then sway testing told me 5 loops is most effective for me at a volume of 6 on my ipod which is 2 notches down from what I was doing.

First impression on waking up after doing 5 loops was good, felt better, less tired and fatigued than on 8 loops. I was sitting at my computer for a while feeling calm and peaceful.

Then around only 3 hours of being up I went and sat with my puppy and ended up falling asleep, now I feel tired and like crap. I haven't fell asleep even on 8 loops and I slept for the same amount last night.

Anyway, as I was saying in the discussion thread.. my main priority now is dealing with/healing my abandonment issue after while on A I realized how much it was affecting everything and making me try to cover it up with girls and sex. It's obviously a deeper issue that's causing issues and causes the neediness and such too. And after it come up and I thought about it alot and it become more obvious how it was affecting me and despite all the girls i've been with I don't still really feel 'worthy' or love myself that this is more important to deal with and at the moment the goal of DMSI is the less important priority.

Muscle testing also suggested Version B would be more effective at the moment for dealing with it which didn't make sense to me.. but Shannon said a few things that helped.

Ben, for DMSI to achieve its goal during B, you will have to have dealt with and overcome your issues with abandonment. If that were not true, it would not be something A side was working on dealing with. So if B is used, it will be dealt with regardless, but in a different way.

A is trying to dissolve the mountain. B is trying to bore through it. Both will get you through the mountain. One will do so in a more focused, faster and less gentle way... A is there for those who have such serious issues that without it, they would turn and run in response to B.

I've been considering doing Inner Bonding to help with this and the urge has kept coming up. But I haven't since it's using another method.. though now on B the urge become stronger again. I've been reading a book about it that is from 1990 and the first few chapters illustrated perfectly what was coming up for me with abandonment and trying to fill myself up from the outside, which hasn't worked.

[eternity]

hahaha ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[Shannon]

You will never find what you are looking for if you turn your back on it.

You will never find what you are looking for by looking outside yourself for what is within you.

[LionKing]

I changed to B in response to seeing that post by Shannon yesterday. I thought doing B was the easy way (not having to face some issues, but kinda trying to succeed while tolerating them), but that made it sound like A is the easy way (facing the same things, but in a more gentle way). I still have this feeling that A will likely address more issues (the whole mountain, not just what's directly in front of you), by I take that post to mean its designed to be so focused as to not go wandering off healing too much else. Healing others (gf) would be useful though; not sure if that part is disabled in B, or if it belongs to the aura scripting modules.

Anyway, I'm rooting for you!

[mat422]

Hey Ben, hope you figure all this stuff out. I know how it can feel like a wild goose chase at times trying to fix it all.

If I can make a suggestion, maybe you're already doing it, make a journal offline. These online journals are great for seeing growth and all, but I think a lot of the more intimate issues like abandonment need some privacy. I say this from experience, sometimes you just can't write what's really on your mind on this forum. Sometimes you just need that self healing validation with knowing that your thoughts and emotions won't be judged and the only way to guarantee that is to journal away from the public eye.

[Benjamin]

You will never find what you are looking for if you turn your back on it.

You will never find what you are looking for by looking outside yourself for what is within you.

It's such a hard thing to accept, I realize that i've come up across this realization several times but then drifted away from it and totally forgot about it for a time.

I changed to B in response to seeing that post by Shannon yesterday. I thought doing B was the easy way (not having to face some issues, but kinda trying to succeed while tolerating them), but that made it sound like A is the easy way (facing the same things, but in a more gentle way). I still have this feeling that A will likely address more issues (the whole mountain, not just what's directly in front of you), by I take that post to mean its designed to be so focused as to not go wandering off healing too much else. Healing others (gf) would be useful though; not sure if that part is disabled in B, or if it belongs to the aura scripting modules.

Anyway, I'm rooting for you!

Thanks man.

I thought the same actually, dissolving a mountain sounds better in the end because it's not there.. drilling through it you might get there but then it's still there to some extent.

And overcoming guilt, shame fear isn't in B.

Hey Ben, hope you figure all this stuff out. I know how it can feel like a wild goose chase at times trying to fix it all.

If I can make a suggestion, maybe you're already doing it, make a journal offline. These online journals are great for seeing growth and all, but I think a lot of the more intimate issues like abandonment need some privacy. I say this from experience, sometimes you just can't write what's really on your mind on this forum. Sometimes you just need that self healing validation with knowing that your thoughts and emotions won't be judged and the only way to guarantee that is to journal away from the public eye.

Thanks man, yeah I feel like i've been trying to deal with it for years and as I said I realize it then after a while it seems to go from my awareness then i'm back with the coping mechanism of trying to find it outside.

I have an offline journal and have since I got rid of my other journal. I've posted things here then deleted the post and put it in my offline journal. I used to share way too much and alot of things I don't feel like going into the same detail anymore on the forum.

I also write some things out on paper when things are challenging asking things like "What am I resisting?" "What am I fearing around DMSI?" and that is what ended up getting me to the realizations of the deeper issues that I keep coming up against.

[Benjamin]

B seems to be giving me more full on dreams. Though I don't remember my dreams as much on DMSI at all.

2 nights ago was a dream having something to do with cops and trying to get away from them, I don't fully remember but I woke up with fear related to certain things in the past.

Last night was a dream in my old house that I lived in as a kid, I was the age I am now and was having some argument with my dad, my mum was there too. I don't remember what happened before that but there was some kind of argument and I picked up a rocking chair and threw it through the loungeroom window in rage.

Then I went to my room and got some bags and started packing my clothes and things into it to leave and the dream ended.

Seems like somethings fighting, as this seems to have been the pattern of dreams since switching back to B.

[Shannon]

You will definitely trigger whatever is trying to resist on B. My subconscious (inner child, I think) is fighting it tooth and nail. He's pretty damned clever, too. But all he is doing is revealing his strategy and making me know what to do in 3.2 to make counter-moves that stop all that he's going. Which should effectively free me up (and probably a lot of you, since this is "closing the gate and plugging the holes in the dam") to execute.

Really interesting how he's playing this... but given that I can use whatever he does to craft a reaction strategy that will block any strategy he has previously used... I'm pretty confident that it's just a matter of time before we arrive at "run away or execute". Stonewalling is not guaranteed to be a possibility in the end, and without means to resist... that leaves us execute or run away.

and... 3.1 B should bore through it regardless, as long as you use it long enough.

But I am definitely looking forward to 3.2.

[Benjamin]

I look forward to 3.2 aswell. I can't really say i'm aware of what B is really doing in my case at the moment.

Last nights dream was more full on, due to the response I had to it.

I don't really know what was going on, but there was some really fat chick that for some reason I was trying to pick up haha.. I went into a room of the house we were in and grabbed her hand and we were walking into another room that was dark.. and I suddenly got attacked by some black mist thing that was all around me then it went through a door into another room. I chased it to attack it and run into a wall then it closed in around me and I woke up terrified and sat there for a bit trying to relax and breathe, there was a fair bit of fear but I had the presence of mind to tell myself "It's okay, it's just something clearing, it will pass".

I woke up scared and worried about being 'caught' dating more than 1 girl but that being honest about it scares the shit out of me because in my mind it will just destroy and get rid of what I already have or what I could possibly have because of the possible reaction to it.

Today I also have a heavy burning feeling around my eyes, the feeling you get when you've had too much coffee or a lack of sleep. It can also be a sign of energy buildup because I remember feeling it in the past from doing Spring Forest Qigong and Tai Chi. I've felt this a few times since switching to B.

I'm annoyed at the moment, because the girl I was seeing a few months ago messaged me saying she missed me a few weeks ago and even sent me a photo of her ass, then earlier in the week organized to come down and see me today. Now it's past the time the train would have come in and i've heard nothing at all.. WTF. Interestingly the last time she started going weird was around the time I switched to Version B.

I'll wait a bit longer and send her a message "So what is it this time?" and I assume i'll get some excuse like "Oh you didn't message me" even though she used to always message me. Then fucking block her so she can fuck off and not send me any more messages and waste my time.

[Benjamin]

Ahh fuck.. this is why I understandably have anger towards girls.

I sent her "So what was it now then?". And I just get blocked. WTF. After messaging me several times which I ignored in the last few months, then actually answering her and she wants to meet up, sends me a photo of her ass.

Then today this.. I sent her an sms telling her she's retarded. From E2 and DMSI I no longer care about well meaning advice that tells you not do tell them off like that, because though she probably won't answer it discharges it for me. I was really angry and now expressing it instead of holding onto it half an hour later i'm feeling alot better.

I can't really know, but the thing I can think of is another girl fucking it up for me. When I had conflict with the current girl and thought it was over, another girl on facebook showed interest.. she's liked me for ages. I posted a thing about putting googly eyes on stuff and she replied and I said as a joke "Are you gonna do it?" and she's like "only if you join me" I talked to her a bit and tried to organize to meet but she didn't seem to commit and I realized i'm not keen for her anyway. Then last night posted a meme about putting googly eyes on vibrators and said "can we do this?".

Anyway, the girl who I was gonna see today a while ago we put googly eyes on things. When she messaged me a few weeks ago she sent me the same article saying "This reminds me of you, I miss doing fun things like that with you".

So this other girl posting on my facebook timeline about it I assume she would have seen it and thought i'm seeing this other girl which i'm not, because it comes across like that. And I assume in her mind it's like she thought it was something special between us which it was, and she might think I was doing the same with this other girl.

So i'm pissed off about the other girl doing that. She could have easily sent me the meme in a message, but she posted it publicly on my timeline then didn't reply to my comment on it.. which tells me it's just looking for attention.

Unfortunately it was just a moment where I was weak and feeling needy that I briefly considered meeting up with her then I thought and realized I have no interest in her, now she does that and fucks this other thing up for me.

Anyway, the thing that tends to fuck my head up the most is just not knowing WHY.. I can guess it might be that thing but I can never confirm it.

Alot of things are pissing me off today.. I was getting past it but my wanting to argue with people needlessly who i'll never convince because they are SJW types is strong today. And at some idiot who I used to work with white knighting having a go at me because the person I was arguing with was a woman basically. I just ended up blocking him because he would always try to have a dig at me in the past like when i'd post progress shots when I was losing most of my weight.

I need to disconnect and try to take my mind off things, I tried to go out somewhere but it's a cold day so that eliminates most places to go around here during the day.

[Benjamin]

The pressure around the eyes has continued all day. I'm tired and yawning but also have a strange energy connected to that which makes me feel like if I goto bed I won't get much sleep. It kind of feels like i'm overtired but hopped up on stimulants.

A thought related to my last post.

Assuming it was the thing that triggered the problem, that girls post on my timeline last night come at the 'perfect' (for lack of better word) time to fuck it all up for me.

Kind of like it was brought up to cause some kind of development or learning for the process. I had that thought earlier when I eventually got to "Well I really can't control what happened in this case, so why am I stressing out over it?".

Though if I go to another level I also caused it myself by trying to go for that girl in a moment of desperation when I thought things were going bad and messaging her on facebook.. though I decided not to pursue it in the end i'm responsible for some of it.

That doesn't necessarily mean i'm over it, but that seems to be the learning connected to it. I had the thought earlier that I wish I stayed with Version A because then things would be okay still and this shit wouldn't have happened. As coincidentally last time I switched to Version B was when the same girl went weird and started cancelling on me after never doing so before. This time on B it got even more extreme with her totally blocking me.

[Benjamin]

The dream I remember last night was different than the fighting dreams.

There was more before but I remember hiding in a house, and there was a girl going around and cleaning. I was naked for some reason and I hid behind a curtain because I knew she was trying to catch me. She come in the room and looked around on the floor then come to where I was and started sucking me off, then I started having sex with her on the floor. Someone come and interrupted so I stopped, then we were on a bed and I went to start again and she's going "no, I don't do that, I only have sex with people that pay" and i'm getting pissed off and she's like "I'm just joking" then the dream ended.

I felt better today, but strange. I just didn't feel like going out anywhere and I thought "Is this a way of resisting by trying to stop me meeting girls?" and I ended up going to a market, I felt good and relaxed in myself.. but I didn't feel any need or feel like I really had any energy to 'reach out' and talk to girls, I just kind of didn't care and only felt like walking around quietly.

I seen a few people I know and talked to them but something just felt kind of off.

After a while I didn't even want to stay there nor did I want to go somewhere else. I started driving somewhere else but was like "Ah it's just the same old thing, there's no point."

And I actually felt like going home and working which I did.

Then after sitting at home for a while I started to feel sick, it's a familiar feeling I felt mostly on 3.0.1. I'm feeling a slight pressure/warmth around my eyes like yesterday but it's way less.

Another feeling is that B just feels 'wrong' compared to A.

[Benjamin]

I'm not enjoying how i'm feeling on B. I slept extra because I feel I needed it. Today still the same warmth around my eyes and also my forehead feels a little warm.

Feel drained and like crap, I slept like an extra hour or so and wanted to stay in bed past that but I didn't.

My desire for the gym is low, and I actually feel physically weak which I have for a few days, it feels like it's destroying me physically which doesn't make sense. Friday I wasn't impressed with my workout intensity at all and just wanted to get out of there.

I feel like if I goto the gym I won't be able to lift hardly anything so I shouldn't bother. On E2 and DMSI i've felt this several times.. mostly on DMSI the desire for working out has been strong.

I wonder if 5 loops is too much, maybe I should retest with the sway test. I did ask at the time if it is the best loops over the long term when I did it.

I feel like more and more coffee since starting B. Thinking it will help me feel better, but it won't so i'll just stick to my usual 1 Match Tea and 1 Coffee a day.