A Better Alex, stage 2: ASC Journal

[apollolux]

Anger and frustration continue to mount, stress eating continues as a result. Annoyance and impatience with women continues and overwhelmed me emotionally during the holidays. I hate being alone on special occasions like that, and I hate that my positive efforts (internally and externally) are not being rewarded externally.

[apollolux]

Some updates about steps I'm taking towards becoming A Better Alex and leading to A Sexy Alex:

• In order to facilitate successfully becoming more sexual I've decided to buy and use pheromones earlier than I initially planned. So far the only ones I've acquired are those with sexual intent, and I've updated my supplements to include indole-3-carbinol to metabolize any excess estrogen, epimedium (aka horny goat weed) to enhance libido, and halved my daily zinc to 50mg.
  
• I've acquired a number of subs during the New Year's Sale; BIABWS+DAOS will be my next combo, and after I graduate I will likely use BASE 4G (or MLS 4G, depending on my career desires at the time) with Ultra Success if I need to facilitate a higher likelihood of professional success.
  
• I've also acquired AYPSL, AYPG, and AYPRL in the sale, and if I feel confident enough to successfully achieve attracting my perfect lover after BIABWS+DAOS (or BIABWS+BIATBW) will run them likely in that order.
  
• If I make a decent amount of money over the summer (have two potential paid summer internships, not giving details yet since neither are confirmed) I'll be able to afford at least AM6, a year later than initially planned.
  

Caveat: Even after listening to EHPRA and ASC, one of my three remaining superstitions is "don't reveal your plans until a definitive result is achieved." I'm still intentionally leaving out a lot of details, both about sub-related and non-sub-related aspects, but I feel comfortable listing the above sub plan.

I'm still in the throes of depression and still feel certain feelings about the one-itis that sparked this entire journey, but I'm confident I'm making progress and that my goals are still achievable. Let's see what I can make happen in 2016.

[apollolux]

Hm. Listening to "You Know My Name" by Chris Cornell for the first time in years, something clicked and I felt the tinglies in my head and my heart. Interesting...

[apollolux]

For the past week or so I now feel it's easier to walk straight and upright, where during EHPRA and at the beginnings of ASC I felt I had to strain a bit and force it.

[apollolux]

I met up with a girl I knew from high school tonight; somehow we matched on Tinder. She's been trying to use Tinder to network professionally while I've been trying to set up sexual or sexual+romantic connections. I feel full of rage right now because she's been a really good friend to me in the past and I know she would be again, but I can't be satisfied by a platonic friendship with her and the tingling (burning?) feeling in my chest is apparently telling me I want her in my life.

[Daredevil]

Bruh, your journals depressing as fuck. You sure you don't wanna run Removing negativity within or Happiness and Joy or something after instead of focusing on girl subs. I mean if I'm reading is correct you should be focusing on bringing yourself out of this emotional rut first, then chase after girls.And why are you leaving stuff out from your journal?

[apollolux]

Bruh, your journals depressing as ****.

I figured it would be that sometimes.

You sure you don't wanna run Removing negativity within or Happiness and Joy or something after instead of focusing on girl subs.

While those suggestions make sense in the short term, those don't actually change the circumstances I'm currently in, which currently influence my emotions because I haven't learned how to detach from them or become outcome independent. Unless those subs will actually get me income and/or sex with beautiful women on a regular basis, I'll be running the ones I have.

I mean if I'm reading is correct you should be focusing on bringing yourself out of this emotional rut first, then chase after girls.

The emotional rut is caused by the situational rut of not yet having consistent income combined with a lack of positive results from active attempts to attract women I desire combined with a lack of a reliable emotional support system. I'm too attached to outcomes and invest too much too early into people before properly gauging their reliability.

And why are you leaving stuff out from your journal?

Please feel free to let me know what I'm leaving out so I may rectify that, thanks.

[Daredevil]

Bruh, your journals depressing as ****.

I figured it would be that sometimes.

You sure you don't wanna run Removing negativity within or Happiness and Joy or something after instead of focusing on girl subs.

While those suggestions make sense in the short term, those don't actually change the circumstances I'm currently in, which currently influence my emotions because I haven't learned how to detach from them or become outcome independent. Unless those subs will actually get me income and/or sex with beautiful women on a regular basis, I'll be running the ones I have.

I mean if I'm reading is correct you should be focusing on bringing yourself out of this emotional rut first, then chase after girls.

The emotional rut is caused by the situational rut of not yet having consistent income combined with a lack of positive results from active attempts to attract women I desire combined with a lack of a reliable emotional support system. I'm too attached to outcomes and invest too much too early into people before properly gauging their reliability.

And why are you leaving stuff out from your journal?

Please feel free to let me know what I'm leaving out so I may rectify that, thanks.

Bruh, you think that making girls will make you happy in sum and substance??? Bro, if movies have taught me something it taught me getting bitches won't make you happy. It's like Pokemon with try Ba get girls, you catch one, "you gotta catch em all". If you based your happiness are puns women, getting women won't solve your problems. You not depressed cuz you don't get pussy, your don't get pussy because your depressed. And for having money, I mean cmon, lots of people are happy without it and poorer than you.

Remove negativity within will remove whatever negativity that you have that is holding you back and all negativity that blocks the flow of abundance.

Something like H&J will make the Positive thinking, positive results attitude.

And your answer sounds too heady, and like a victim. You blame your circumstances for your attitude and why you are still in your circumstances and you think that when your circumstances change you will. It's quite the opposite, when you change your circumstances will. I think you unconsciously love being a victim.

[Daredevil]

After you fuck 50 bitches then what? You achieved your goal, are you gonna keep band-aiding the problem or grow then.

[apollolux]

@Hercules - while you bring up some valid points to consider, I think you're making an assumption that I'm not doing the work to change my circumstances and myself. I consider these subs as the positive influence I lacked growing up, and the amount I have positively changed my attitude since I started listening is staggering to me considering how I started. The sex with many women (or as you put it "fcking 50 bitches") is simply to manifest the external abundance I've felt I lacked.

In somewhat related news, a girl who's been avoiding me for a month told me on Monday that she's fallen in love with me, and the blonde Russian one-itis who started this whole thing I caught following me around school today even though I haven't even come in contact with her for months.

I don't know how to feel about either of those things yet.

[Nox]

@Hercules - while you bring up some valid points to consider, I think you're making an assumption that I'm not doing the work to change my circumstances and myself. I consider these subs as the positive influence I lacked growing up, and the amount I have positively changed my attitude since I started listening is staggering to me considering how I started. The sex with many women (or as you put it "fcking 50 bitches) is simply to manifest the external abundance I've felt I lacked.

In somewhat related news, a girl who's been avoiding me for a month told me on Monday that she's fallen in love with me, and the blonde Russian one-itis who started this whole thing I caught following me around school today even though I haven't even come in contact with her for months.

The girl who fell in love with you, is she attractive? If yes I'd say try to go with both girls (separately of course haha) to see how it works with you. It might be a great situation to help your brain process the abundance you want.

"So what if I made a lame joke to Amy, I'm gonna go se Lexi later anyways."
Followed up by
"So what if Lexi had to go to work, I'm gonna talk to Amy tomorrow anyways."

Kind of play both sides to trick your mind into the abundance mindset.

[apollolux]

[ ...]

In somewhat related news, a girl who's been avoiding me for a month told me on Monday that she's fallen in love with me, and the blonde Russian one-itis who started this whole thing I caught following me around school today even though I haven't even come in contact with her for months.

The girl who fell in love with you, is she attractive? If yes I'd say try to go with both girls (separately of course haha) to see how it works with you. It might be a great situation to help your brain process the abundance you want.

"So what if I made a lame joke to Amy, I'm gonna go se Lexi later anyways."
Followed up by
"So what if Lexi had to go to work, I'm gonna talk to Amy tomorrow anyways."

Kind of play both sides to trick your mind into the abundance mindset.

I was typing that on my phone and I forgot the line "I don't know how to feel about either of those things yet." Added it now.

The girl who fell in love with me is gorgeous, a Russian lingerie model, but she's again started to ignore me so I texted her "enjoy your glamorous life without me" because I don't have the patience to deal with her lack of communication on a recurring basis without something guaranteed from her.

The blonde Russian I'm not even bothering with at the moment, since she proved herself very unreliable to me last year which started this whole journey.

[apollolux]

Hm. Yesterday morning my neighbor and I had an argument about the living arrangement we currently have, and I felt myself reverting to old self-preservation behaviors to convince him I'm actually pulling my weight. My goal was to remain calm and present my arguments logically but in practice felt a lot of emotion instead as I perceived it to be a personal attack as if I'm doing absolutely nothing and making no effort at all.

I switched to EHPRA in January so that I could run it for 32 days with minimal human interaction and avoid people while I dealt with the extreme emotion that would come, and switched back Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. I'll document a summary accounting of those 32 days soon.

[apollolux]

I don't normally report here about dreams I've had since listening to subs, but last night/this morning was the second time I've had a dream that I'm almost 100% certain is influenced by sub listening.

The first time was months ago, maybe early to mid-November (I don't remember the exact date because I lost my offline journal at the time, and was a night or two after catching up on watching the series Gotham (the Batman origins TV series on Fox). I dreamed I was young Bruce Wayne escaping from Theo Galavan and during the escape came to the top of a spiral staircase. Realizing the faster way to descend the stairs was to roll down instead of run down I told myself "a little bit of pain now for a lot of freedom later" and proceeded to roll down the stairs like a stuntman.

This second time, I dreamed I was Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell getting ready for a fancy party. I was brushing my hair in front of an ornate mirror and the mirror showed my reflection after a delay, like a slow-motion replay but after a second or two. A girl from earlier in the dream who looked like porn star Kortney Kane came up to me and said the delay of and slowness in the reflection was due to my "negative self-image being incongruent with the actual changes that have taken place."

My takeaway is that positive changes have indeed taken place but I either haven't acknowledged them enough or I'm feeling too sorry for myself "for nothing." Interesting.