A Better Alex, stage 2: ASC Journal

[apollolux]

Tonight I start listening to Absolute Self-Confidence. While I'm fairly sure letting EPRHA run longer this go-around might have even uncovered something I've never been aware of about myself (the first post of my EPRHA journal lists the stuff I already knew was there), feeling absolutely useless and unmotivated while that happens is something that will essentially render me homeless. So while EPRHA ended up breaking me down (multiple times, might I add), I expect ASC to build me up.

edit 2015-10-22 - I love legos.

[apollolux]

Just a quick post to note the following informally.

I consider "Drops of Jupiter" by Train to be "our song" for my first ex-girlfriend and me since it was the most memorable song playing during our first date. It just came on the radio (I don't know what station my neighbor set it to) and for the first time ever I didn't actually feel butterflies and longing for my ex while it was playing.

I don't know if this lack of strong feeling for my ex was due to EPRHA or ASC, but I consider it progress.

[apollolux]

==7 days done==
I'm seven days into ASC and this has certainly been an interesting seven days indeed.

I came back to NYC from Vermont a week ago to find that I would have to find an alternative place to sleep for that weekend, and my uncle in Brooklyn was generous enough to accommodate me. The next afternoon, however, we had an argument and he kicked me out. I fully understand my role in that argument from start to finish and though I attempted to apologize he would not even allow me to finish a sentence. Back to the Apple Store after that.

Once I settled back into the apartment I'm staying at right now I seem to have had a surge of productivity (motivation?) that powered me through the part of the web app project that stumped me and that I lacked motivation to work on when in Vermont.

I finally heard back from a particular programming job I applied for and received the usual "we need someone full-time and don't think your schedule would work for us" response. I feel I should be more disappointed about this one because a classmate was trying to hook me up with this one, but for some reason I felt ok about it. I still haven't yet figured out what was different about this rejection, but I have a feeling it has something to do with the wording of the email.

Also, I met a woman on POF the day I came back and after about a week or so of texting (she claimed to be super shy) we finally met in person on Friday. We had a good time just walking around, getting ice cream, and it helps that she's cute and a pretty good kisser, though because she's supposedly shy she insisted I do all the talking. Still working on locking down a second date, but she seems to be flaking. I wouldn't be surprised at all if it's because I came off as intense during the date and she feels intimidated by it.

Internally, I've noticed two major changes so far that are unrelated to each other: I seem to have an increased libido (I haven't posted here any of the journaling I've done on that front yet), and I seem to be becoming more and more comfortable posting on these forums outside of my own threads.

[apollolux]

I'm breaking my format to post something that just happened:

During reading this post by Chopp to CatMan about the magnets I noticed his signature and started having goosebumps. Since I recognized it as the last lines of the poem Invictus by Henley I decided to reread it. While reading it I felt the full-body tingle and broke down into tears and sobs. Now I need to elaborate to you why and document it for myself just in case I ever forget.

I'm 30 years old right now and went through a lot of financial and educational hardship as a child. My mother denied me educational opportunities left and right, including skipping grades, even though I was considered "gifted." When I was 8 or 9 an old friend of mine told me about an organization local to NYC, Prep for Prep, which was exactly what I was looking for, so when I was nine I fought my mother tooth and nail to be allowed to apply for and participate in this program. Even though I was "gifted" I struggled through the 14 months of this program's accelerated education, including a moment very early on when I was given my first ever essay-writing assignment and stayed up until 3am feeling it was "too hard" and crying, wanting to quit, but eventually met the requirements and graduated from the "Placement" portion of the program.

During the second summer (the last 2 months of the 14) students are enrolled in a class called "Invictus," essentially an intro to ethics class. The class began and ended with reading the poem.

I often credit the massive amount of help Prep for Prep as an organization (especially specific people within it) has given me over the years as to why I ever had success in the first place. I'm crying again as I'm about to write this realization: I'm still alive today and still persevere despite overwhelming odds against me because, in some way I clearly have forgotten, I've internalized "Invictus" at a very young age.

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

[apollolux]

==14 days done==
14 days done and this week I felt almost nothing but insecurity and anxiety. I feel my projects are suffering, the woman on POF I went out with the week before decided to flake on me so no second date, and I don't yet feel completely comfortable about one project but know it's necessary and am probably projecting my insecurity onto the client.

I probably solidified a new friendship, though, with a classmate of mine who took a long walk with me through Central Park yesterday afternoon. Because I find her physically attractive, however, I'm likely going to be fighting with myself to avoid chasing her off if I want to keep her as a friend. She insists she's ok with me talking about my problems to her, but it remains to be seen whether or not I'm too much of a downer for her.

[apollolux]

==21 days done==
21 days done and I feel powerless. It feels like other people are in control of my life and if I don't accept it I will be penniless, homeless, friendless, lifeless, and without the means to rebuild myself and my life to be successful.

I know I've conducted myself differently since I started ASC. My libido has increased but I don't have a woman to save it for (use it with?). I've attempted to straighten my posture when walking (I've attempted since EPRHA) to walk more confidently and still feel strain on my lower back, even when I'm not carrying anything; random men (often some burly-looking dudes) give me the nod when I'm walking, though, and every so often a pretty woman will blush when I walk past and say hello. My conscious desire to exercise has reduced considerably and for the past few weeks feel unmotivated to work out at the same level as the past 9 months before it, so now when I go it feels like I'm half-assing it; however, men at the gym now often excuse themselves first (instead of me always excusing myself first) if we cross paths when walking, and women smile when I compliment them on their exercise routine working for them.

I'm still jobless, however, and once again companies are turning me down because they believe I won't be able to give them the time they want while still going to school. I'm still essentially homeless, however, and just this weekend had to leave my neighbor's apartment at his request so the dog sitter can come in and take care of the dogs over the weekend. I'm stress eating again and that is going to quickly whittle away my SNAP for the month if I leave it unchecked. I have a project that feels like it's going nowhere and if I weren't so emotionally attached to it I'd have moved on already; I'm also worried that if I move on the alternative is going to leave me in worse position.

Had some weird dreams this week, but don't know what they mean. I'll analyze them later, but one of them had someone I know in it and for me that's important as I rarely ever dream about someone I know.

[apollolux]

Breaking format to mention that today I made the mistake of drinking three Starbucks blondes at 4 in the afternoon because I was tired (could have been the narcolepsy) and not only did the caffeine take effect way too late to be useful to productivity (around 10:30pm or so) but also this is the first time in a very long time that I actually have caffeine headaches. I'm just about ready to just end my flipping life right now if I can't drink caffeinated beverages anymore to help against my sleep disorders without getting headaches. ;_;

[Vincent_Vega]

Did you already try to do something against your sleep disorder?

[apollolux]

I've never used any medications, prescription or otherwise, to attempt to fix or otherwise control either of my two definite sleep disorders (delayed sleep phase syndrome, which was previously determined to have been a symptom of an underlying depression, and narcolepsy, the cause of which hasn't yet been officially determined but is likely chronic sleep deprivation). I've simply drunk copious amounts of coffee or Red Bull whenever I've felt like I'm about to fall asleep early in the day, and until October 2014 I felt I had nearly cured myself of the narcolepsy after 10 years of willpower and brute forcing my way through it.

I'm fairly certain this current lack of motivation is indicative of a depression, but I have no idea how long it's officially gone on or how deep it is. I have no job, no home, no girlfriend or sex partner, no friends, no family, and no currently viable means to fix any of that yet.

[Vincent_Vega]

I've never used any medications, prescription or otherwise, to attempt to fix or otherwise control either of my two definite sleep disorders (delayed sleep phase syndrome, which was previously determined to have been a symptom of an underlying depression, and narcolepsy, the cause of which hasn't yet been officially determined but is likely chronic sleep deprivation). I've simply drunk copious amounts of coffee or Red Bull whenever I've felt like I'm about to fall asleep early in the day, and until October 2014 I felt I had nearly cured myself of the narcolepsy after 10 years of willpower and brute forcing my way through it.

Did you ever try melatonin? It can help with narcolepsy, insomnia and stuff.

I'm fairly certain this current lack of motivation is indicative of a depression, but I have no idea how long it's officially gone on or how deep it is. I have no job, no home, no girlfriend or sex partner, no friends, no family, and no currently viable means to fix any of that yet.

I guess AM could be quite useful for you. It would take care of things like friends, girls, own home etc

[apollolux]

I guess AM could be quite useful for you. It would take care of things like friends, girls, own home etc

AM is indeed the next sub I plan to listen to, assuming I can afford it by the time I actually want to start it.

[apollolux]

==28 days done==
28 days done and I still feel like crap. I broke down in tears again during my therapy appointment, this time about feeling alone in my struggle and not having any intimate love and support. I feel like I'm losing the willpower to survive and I told him I don't know how much longer I can endure this. This Wednesday I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk about a medication-based solution for my apparent depression.

I'm doing terribly emotionally, but apparently I've started regaining some motivation to learn. I finally started getting serious about learning useful SEO and resumed watching my iOS app development tutorial videos. Also, I find myself increasingly scouring forums and such for "distilled psychology," seduction and PUA stuff, and other plausible human behavior research, looking to hopefully filter out garbage info and figure out what makes people tick. It's kind of difficult because there's a lot of circlejerking and parroted stuff, and I still think about things too logically rather than emotionally unless I really force it.

On the flip side of the coin, I seem to be willing to speak more and more openly to people in person, whether I've known them for a long time or not, and post more on these boards. I hope the stuff I've been posting here is useful for someone.

[apollolux]

Breaking format a bit to point out I've had a particular feeling in my chest for almost an hour now. I don't know why it's there, I don't like it, and other than the fact that I don't know why it's there I don't know why I don't like it.

Someone please help me.

[apollolux]

Breaking format again a bit to recall that earlier today as I was walking back to the apartment I'm currently staying at to pick up more stuff to put into my storage room a guy gave me the nod and I gave him one back.

This particular guy is one of the baristas at my local Starbucks and also happens to go to the same gym that I do (Planet Fitness in Marble Hill). I expect he's very heterosexual, as I think I remember overhearing him talk about a girlfriend to coworkers once or twice, though I have been approached by homosexual men before. He very likely recognized me, as I'm a regular at both locations, though I mention it here because before ASC it was very rare for anyone from that gym or that Starbucks other than the GMs of either to actually acknowledge me outside of the respective businesses. I hope I was giving out a positive and/or confident vibe and/or posture to make that happen.