A Better Alex, stage 1: EPRHA Journal

[apollolux]

Before I start, here's an abridged breakdown of what I expect to deal with during this run of EPRHA, knowing that the end result will likely instead be dealing with some but not all:

• Fear of inadequacy, and other varying degrees and variations of "not being good enough"
  
• Impostor syndrome and the worry that I'm simply fooling myself that my supposed progress is real
  
• Guilt about being powerless during certain events of my life
  
• Guilt about being a big fish in a small pond so often in my life
  
• Shame about growing up in poverty
  
• Shame about desiring certain women for certain reasons
  
• Fear of rejection
  
• Fear of letting people down
  
• Fear of not being manly enough (added 07/21)
  

This list could likely have been longer, but I'm pretty sure that if the three boldfaced ones are tackled and dealt with successfully the overwhelming majority of everything else will likely follow as well.

Please note that until last week I only ever sought professional help and am still regularly seeing a therapist as part of a tangentially related school agreement.

[apollolux]

==7 days done==
I'm 7 days into EPRHA so far, starting the 8th. Up until today there was nothing particularly different outwardly to note. Internally, negative thoughts still exist in their pre-sub states.

Before today, a few women I see somewhat regularly (a few who work at the gym, one I chat with online, and particularly a classmate who's been a really good friend to me over the past 9 months while I deal with a situation) have been cordial with me during conversations. To add basic social skills I didn't have before that I very much need as president of my college's ACM chapter and as part of my own personal "better myself" initiative and, I read How to Win Friends and Influence People for the first time last year; also, years before I used to sell knives, so after those combined with other reading I eventually learned and retained the knowledge of how to keep a hopefully interesting conversation.

Today, the beginning of day 8, however, three things happened that lead me to believe EPRHA is finally beginning to affect me. The first was a text conversation with my classmate friend, where some aggressive statements by me led her to be angry with me, which led me to be sad that I made that happen. I continue to feel like I'm not good enough for her and letting her down.

The second was during my appointment with my therapist, rescheduled to today because I would be unable to make my usual Saturday time due to travel plans. During this appointment, as I was listing the very fears I put in the opening list I have a complete breakdown. While this wasn't the first time I broke down during a session, this was more intense as I was finally able to pinpoint for the first time the Impostor Syndrome fear as one of the two most fundamental fears I have (I've spoken with him for many weeks about the fear of inadequacy).

The third is a sudden excessive tiredness; I'm fighting it right now as I type. I originally attributed this to two instances of sleep deprivation this week, sleeping Monday for only 5 hours and Tuesday for 6.5. I have a history of sleep problems, diagnosed with delayed sleep phase syndrome and narcoleptic. It could be that, or it could be me getting used to a 5G sub having never been exposed to one before last week. I've been listening to EPRHA on ultrasonic for 12 hours a night and have no idea if I need to do more or less.

Weekly routine during this summer until I go to Vermont to visit family this Saturday is basically gym late morning/early afternoon on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, do a few hours of work (web development) after, and on non-gym days either do various necessary appointments or do more work. Diet needs improvement, though likely because of the change in workout routine I've almost reached my goal of a six-pack (currently the outline of a four-pack with some pinch on the missing two at the bottom). Can't afford a better diet at the moment, since I'm a college student currently on public assistance.

I'm also debating whether to keep this journal structured like this or more freeform like some of the other journals here.

[Benjamin]

Good luck man.

So you mean these people who are being cordial to you were more standoffish before or ignored you? That's a good result to start

[apollolux]

Good luck man.

So you mean these people who are being cordial to you were more standoffish before or ignored you? That's a good result to start

Thanks, I'll need it. The gym girls were more standoffish before, but are now more cordial during the first 7 days. I would love to attribute it to motivational audio, but the timing coincides with me being 4 inches slimmer, 20 pounds lighter, and approaching a six-pack. The online chat girl has always been friendly to me, but she's in eastern Europe while I'm in NYC.

The classmate friend, on the other hand, flips between hot and cold. She's a Russian immigrant who latched on to me hard starting in September but claims she's not interested in me. She's the reason I'm here in the first place: gain the self-confidence, aura, and, yes, the swagger needed to make it as easy as possible for her to say yes to me. She's why I wanted to start with ASC instead of EPRHA, because I have a limited time with her around; basically, once we graduate college in about a year and a half she says she'll move to California or something. She's the reason I'm still alive today after what happened to me in October, and it helps that she's gorgeous, so of course I want her around as more than a friend. Why wouldn't I? And why shouldn't I do whatever I can to make it as easy as possible for that to happen?

[apollolux]

Starting day 11, but I feel the need to post here what happened today.

I went to sleep last night at 4:30am and woke up this morning at 8:35am to do final packing and prep to catch an 11:30am Amtrak train to Vermont to visit my aunt. I reach the train station and by the time I get my ticket it's 11:36am and I missed my train. This is an ~8.5 hour train ride and the next train from Penn Station to Montpelier is tomorrow at 11:30am. I have to stay overnight in the waiting area because I do not have a place to sleep and cannot afford a room at a nearby spot. One of my bags is also apparently kind of flimsy and the amount of weight in it (probably 30 lbs total?) has resulted in tearing off one of the handles, so now I have to two-hand the thing. I'm most likely going to have to break night because this is not an environment conducive to relatively secure sleep and I can't even go to the bathroom without risking either theft of likely unattended bags (or attended by a potentially less-than-trustworthy passenger) or my flimsy bag completely breaking if I instead choose to bring everything with me.

I can't rationalize away the feeling that it's entirely my fault for not choosing to set my alarm at 8-8:05am and wake up then instead and for not finishing certain packing tasks last night. This was too major and has immediate, potentially life-threatening consequences for me. I'm listening to EPRHA as I type this (still 12 hours a day), but I haven't been able to forgive myself for doing this nor have I been able to allow myself to try, and I honestly don't know if I can or will.

I don't know if the two choices (not finishing packing last night and not waking up earlier) were intentional self-sabotage or not, but it worries me that it might be. My current living situation is already pretty messed up and I very much did not need to put myself through the additional stress of staying up >=24 hours straight again due to not having a place to sleep.

[Jake2015]

Hey dude

Can I ask how are you managing to listen to the subliminal whilst your in the waiting area?

Now stop beating yourself up. We all make mistakes and shit happens that's just how we are BUT you're here and you're doing what many others don't which is listening to these subliminals so realise you can't change over night and you may make mistakes that you still make such as self sabotage or just things due to lack of disciplineor whatever but understand that you are and will be changing and growing into a new YOU.

Also there is a new version of EPRHA that is currently being made. It will have a "kill self sabotage" component in there and I'm actually hoping my first subliminal will be that for when I finally do start (I'm dealing with a flooded room and I lost 80% of my stuff and you think you have problems lol)

So when that new EPRHA is released if you can get thay definitely but until then and for now keep with this EPRHA and well done for writing this journal cos I'm reading it! have a safe night over there

[apollolux]

Hey dude

Can I ask how are you managing to listen to the subliminal whilst your in the waiting area?

Ultrasonic through Apple Earpods on MacBook Air, about 40-50% system volume (~60% QuickTime volume x ~75% system volume). Even on lower volumes I can still hear the high frequencies of ultrasonic and the only reason I don't lower it further (like, down to 10-20% or so) is because I'm usually in areas with loud ambient noise.

Now stop beating yourself up. We all make mistakes and shit happens that's just how we are BUT you're here and you're doing what many others don't which is listening to these subliminals so realise you can't change over night and you may make mistakes that you still make such as self sabotage or just things due to lack of disciplineor whatever but understand that you are and will be changing and growing into a new YOU.

I would love to stop beating myself up; I've been seeing a therapist for 2.5 years hoping to do just that. That being said, I try pretty hard to not exaggerate or speak in hyperbole, so when I say "life-threatening consequences" I mean it. I'm narcoleptic and have indeed fallen asleep walking in the street before, and I legitimately worry about falling asleep walking in a crosswalk in midtown Manhattan or something. Back in October, the stress of my current housing situation and being forced to stay up for 40 hours straight that first night without a place to sleep pretty nearly completely undid TEN YEARS of progress I had made towards fixing it through sheer force of will, and I constantly worry I no longer have enough strength to combat it by myself anymore and I don't have anyone by my side for emotional, mental, etc. support.

Also there is a new version of EPRHA that is currently being made. It will have a "kill self sabotage" component in there and I'm actually hoping my first subliminal will be that for when I finally do start (I'm dealing with a flooded room and I lost 80% of my stuff and you think you have problems lol)

So when that new EPRHA is released if you can get thay definitely but until then and for now keep with this EPRHA and well done for writing this journal cos I'm reading it! have a safe night over there

I would love to try 6G at some point in the future. My plan is ASC is next, then if I have the cash for it AM6, then if I have the cash after that SM3. It definitely sucks to lose stuff in a flood, and I try very hard to not compare my problems with anyone else's, since nobody wins and everyone loses that way. I do indeed have real problems and I make conscious effort to avoid adding self-sabotage to that list.

I've been catching up on the various AM, SM, and WM journals, as well as recent EPRHA and ASC journals, since those are the products I'd like to read results about, and I do look forward to reading your journal(s) once you get yourself situated again, Jake2015. Thank you again for your honest attempts at motivation, and I do appreciate that you took the time to post!

[apollolux]

To finish up reporting on this past day: I stayed up essentially all night like I said I would do, only 3 or 4 random nod-offs for maybe 30 mins tops each in the 4am to 9am timeframe. I had two Red Bulls, one at 9pm and one at 2:30am, and where I used to need upwards of FIVE Red Bulls a day to stay awake for a work day other than the nodding off these two seemed to have done what I needed. I made this morning's train and so far am unsuccessful in trying to sleep for more than an hour at a time (8-8.5 hour train ride), but listening to EPRHA during it whether I'm sleepy or not.

I know it's probably still too early to feel otherwise, but I still feel this was entirely preventable by me if I had disciplined myself better about the process (yes, "would've, could've, should've" time). Every time I've done this trip before I've been able to successfully make this train without incident, but this time felt different, from the night before all the way to now on the train where I'm starting to have a headache while I type. I haven't pinpointed yet what the cause could most likely be.

[apollolux]

==14 days done==
In the middle of the 14th day of EPRHA. I've been feeling more emotional during the past 14 days than I have for the past 14 months.

I had a long conversation with my aunt today, during which I felt like I lost control of my emotions and began raising my voice and broke down again. I don't feel like the issues at hand (which are inline with the issues I expected to arise during EPRHA) are resolved, nor do I feel like they can be resolved. It seems like many EPHRA and AM (especially AM6) journals here give anecdotes about the issues brought up being nearly instantly resolved by simply acknowledging them and questioning them and their usefulness; this is not the case with me.

I acknowledge that reframing "failure" as simply "feedback towards eventual success" is the healthy way to go. I acknowledge that, after that reframing, whenever I feel like I've failed I've been able to still get up and eventually solve the problem in question by approaching from a different angle; where "failure" is simply one of the methods I attempted to get past a brick wall that is a problem that didn't work (e.g. through, over, around, etc) and "success" is getting past the brick wall of a problem somehow, "defeat" is if, after making legitimate attempts, the wall falls down on me and for one reason or another (e.g. I'm not strong enough, no one is around to help me) I am unable to get it off of me.

I feel...defeated.

I've been crying almost all day and have headaches, probably because I've been crying so much. I continue to feel like whatever efforts I've made to better my life and my situation are in vain and are not good enough for me to get results and succeed, and are not good enough to show other people they can rely on me.

I know EPRHA is doing something because I've usually resorted to bottling these emotions under the guise of them not being useful to me. I still don't feel they're useful and I feel like even just expressing them pushes people away with negativity, but I feel like I can't bottle them anymore. I fear that the next few weeks will be unproductive and worry that I'll be useless, ending up curled in a fetal position for 12 hours/day or something. I feel like I need to get to ASC as soon as possible if I'm going to survive the next semester with my sanity intact.

I feel defeated.

[apollolux]

I planned on running EPRHA for 3 months but I've felt extremely unproductive during these first 16 days on it, so very likely at the end of this round of 32 days I'm switching over to the next on my list, ASC. EPRHA is occupying too much of my mental strength, showing me what I need to deal with but without giving me the tools I need to do so, which I hope ASC can be, and I need to be productive so I can finish a project I started that will allow me to not be completely homeless. It seems I've apparently pushed the generosity of my neighbor to its limit just by being there (he says "his place is not a storage room" even though my small amount of stuff is completely out of the way) and when I get back from Vermont I'll have to figure out my next step.

I didn't mention it in my original list, but I used to be a huge procrastinator, so I also understand the irony of EPRHA possibly bringing that up and acknowledge that this lack of productivity (which I've felt through the entirety of these first 16 days) may indeed be "some form of resistance" as people here like to say. Suffice it to say, if I have to choose between EPRHA and not exacerbating my housing situation superfluously, I'm going to sacrifice 2 months of potentially destructive listening in favor of sooner guaranteed constructive listening.

[apollolux]

==21 days done==
I just finished 21 days and I'm tired of everything. I feel like to regain my sanity I have to give up my best friend because she's manipulative, and after a lot of anger and argument from her she tries instead to keep me as a friend. From the day I first met her I made it clear to her I had no platonic intention towards her, and if it wasn't for the fact that she convinced me she was serious about learning from me I would have ditched her that first day after she said she had a boyfriend.

Over the past 9 months she's helped me immensely since my housing situation became unstable in October, from hiring me for extra tutoring to cooking for me to offering me her couch to crash on multiple times. Over those same 9 months she's also strung me along, led me to believe we had a strong emotional connection that she's never had with another guy, that we could have more than that, and that it would be very likely. I fully admit that, whatever feelings she has for me, I'm definitely the more focused on our relationship becoming romantic and sexual.

Over the past 21 days on EPRHA I've had emotional breakdown after emotional breakdown (up until now only tangentially related to her like my feelings of inadequacy) and on Monday I decided it would be better for my emotional health if I ended whatever friendship we still had. Me and her is a long story I'd rather not get into at the moment, but the summary is I continue to feel she's using me. I've been extremely beta about how I've handled it the past 9 months, and it's simply the latest in a long pattern of me handling similar situations very beta.

I'm more convinced than ever I need to start the next sub as soon as possible (after the minimum 32 days of EPRHA) so I can stop worrying about a situation like that happening again and/or bothering me again.

[apollolux]

Day 24 and with CatMan's recommendation I'm upping the listening to 14 hours a day starting today.

I've said I currently lack motivation to do anything productive and CatMan said this is likely a sign of resistance, that EPRHA is working on something big. I'm expecting another emotional breakdown soon if this is the case, but all this expectation is exhausting and I half-assed my workout today.

[apollolux]

Day 25 tonight. Excessive tiredness I'm used to; I'm narcoleptic due to chronic sleep deprivation, so I know what it feels like. This feels different, closer to fatigue.

While visiting my aunt in Vermont I've been pretty consistent about going to bed by midnight at the latest, but I've been getting up an hour, hour and a half before my alarm is set to go off for over a week and just laying in bed usually thinking about my current one-itis (the girl I just ended my friendship with). Visited OkCupid to update my profile to clean it up and start over on the questions and decided I would send a few messages tonight to girls on OkCupid about casual sex when I get back to NYC; let's see if there are any takers.

[koshas]

Just ride it out ,I had a lot of resistance on my 2 runs of am6.

Believe me it is worth it to finish.

I averaged 15-21 hrs a day.i worked my way up to those hours.of course I eat a very healthy diet and take different sups. For mental support.