3rd day on OGSF

[Darkness]

Embarrassing question: Am I NORMAL?

I disconnected today, stayed home from work (a business deal I've been working on is coming through this month)........and switched from OGSF to E1 this morning. I have had OGSF running a week with good results.....and today I felt a real need for something MORE. I felt I'd scraped off some fear and shame....and I sat empty and unmotivated, which is a MAJOR draw for me to subs....why I'd been making my own for over a year (?). My created subs lately were focusing on organizing my life (mentally and physically) and I liked the results. I began E1 since it had the self validation aspect, which IMO I can fall on when things/my thinking goes south. Without it, I make everyone "the" person who might rescue me. E1 is better for all involved

Ok, I am out of my norm of work, rest, work, rest. And I did do a large coffee at 8PM last night after a meeting. I honestly didn't think I'd be up until 5AM. I'd have gone in (maybe). I'm in a temp position presently, so there's no major consequence. (and not entirely true)

But my focus is on me being motivated/focused/organized........and purposeful. My present job completely misses that. I communicated with some vendors yesterday to ease my new company into reality come later in the month, and that is purposeful to me. It motivates me, and I'm seeking more....


..........damn. dammit. I'm realizing something sitting here. INFP in action: insight.

My present reality has been survivable mainly since I've been able to avoid the pain I've felt:

working a low paying job going nowhere
being unmotivated to enter a honest, healthy relationship (which is more important than I've realized)
being around my ex and daughter. I've felt unwanted by both except to be used. Sucks for me. My daughter models her momma.

So, my use of subs has been to get out of that reality, that pain. The idea of either BASE or AM moves me. I'm in this spot I've been a number of years, and I'm just not comfortable any more!

I'm running presently, but I don't know why (yet). I wish I were more grounded presently, but it's all fear based. I know fear, hide in fear, and even welcome it due to its familiarity, like comfortable uncomfortableness.

I switched to E1 seeking some motivation. I looked into LTU, but people said it's incorporated in AM.

This, to me, is shameful. I'm writing asking men to direct me. To approve of my decisions (might be hammered though).

This is my cycle: be successful, maintain, then destroy it so people will "fix" me. Just realized also: a fear of responsibility (or failure handling it) is HUGE for me. The destruction of my success has been preferred often due to growing fears of failure. I admit this, seeing I've done it in various areas of life.

I am asking for possible solutions. What might really help me? Insights do help, as my view can be limited. Thanks.

Answer of day: yes