01-15-2017, 05:13 PM
I'm going to spit this out before I dismiss it and regret it later.
Mind you, I was at my ex's today, one of her new dogs ran away, and my ex is stuck in "this is BAD, this is BAD!" mode. Hopeless thinking and gravitation towards dismal possibilities. Seeking people's commiseration so she's "right" about feeling "bad".
My part in this chaos: I brought up to her, right before I left, about using subs for our daughter's depression. Well, since my ex loves the attention for misery (my judgement, mind you), she blew off this since....again, my judgement.....it came from me. I've always felt pain from her rejection of me since (am learning this now) it reminds me of me rejecting and abandoning me, a childhood tragedy I've not unlearned yet. I learned how to manipulate others to "love me" instead of me changing me. My part is I played a victim role to her for many painful years, I played being dependent on her completely, and she just looked to be validated in her pain without changing anything about herself. My mind went through this cyclical pattern and damn, it's MISERABLE. Just absolutely sucks.
I'm here since yes, I do need help. People can only suggest what works. I'm hanging on to OGSF for 90 days, but I await the self validation, emotional maturity, and getting out of the victim role training in EPHRA 2.
If I can say this, I will, and I am (I sound like the OGSF script now). I'm actually grateful for the wait period. In it, I face me and how I really feel about things. I ran and ran many, many, many times. Sitting in my discomfort, like right now, I've read and experienced, has a lot of value. I don't enjoy discomfort and never have. But the few times in my life I've sat with it, I found other tools and help along the way. I've had my perspective change in the middle of it.
I can't change her. I can change me. The script says I won't accept manipulation to feel guilt, shame, or fear. And I've relinquished control to her many times when she's swimming in her pile of crap. I'm not comfortable any more in it. I WISH I could change her. But........but is all there is. I'm not in control of her. I am, momentarily, in control of me. I can only change me.
I listened to the silent sub maybe 8 or more hours today. Am listening to it now. Now is all I have. I feel a little freer, depending on where my thoughts go to next. And something in me is changing. I can detect some resistance, but one thing at a time. I'm only in control of me.
Mind you, I was at my ex's today, one of her new dogs ran away, and my ex is stuck in "this is BAD, this is BAD!" mode. Hopeless thinking and gravitation towards dismal possibilities. Seeking people's commiseration so she's "right" about feeling "bad".
My part in this chaos: I brought up to her, right before I left, about using subs for our daughter's depression. Well, since my ex loves the attention for misery (my judgement, mind you), she blew off this since....again, my judgement.....it came from me. I've always felt pain from her rejection of me since (am learning this now) it reminds me of me rejecting and abandoning me, a childhood tragedy I've not unlearned yet. I learned how to manipulate others to "love me" instead of me changing me. My part is I played a victim role to her for many painful years, I played being dependent on her completely, and she just looked to be validated in her pain without changing anything about herself. My mind went through this cyclical pattern and damn, it's MISERABLE. Just absolutely sucks.
I'm here since yes, I do need help. People can only suggest what works. I'm hanging on to OGSF for 90 days, but I await the self validation, emotional maturity, and getting out of the victim role training in EPHRA 2.
If I can say this, I will, and I am (I sound like the OGSF script now). I'm actually grateful for the wait period. In it, I face me and how I really feel about things. I ran and ran many, many, many times. Sitting in my discomfort, like right now, I've read and experienced, has a lot of value. I don't enjoy discomfort and never have. But the few times in my life I've sat with it, I found other tools and help along the way. I've had my perspective change in the middle of it.
I can't change her. I can change me. The script says I won't accept manipulation to feel guilt, shame, or fear. And I've relinquished control to her many times when she's swimming in her pile of crap. I'm not comfortable any more in it. I WISH I could change her. But........but is all there is. I'm not in control of her. I am, momentarily, in control of me. I can only change me.
I listened to the silent sub maybe 8 or more hours today. Am listening to it now. Now is all I have. I feel a little freer, depending on where my thoughts go to next. And something in me is changing. I can detect some resistance, but one thing at a time. I'm only in control of me.
I want to be FREE!
