Working on more deep-seated beliefs today.
It's St. Pat's Day, and I'm at home with my family. As pictures of people out at the bars pop into my Snapchat or onto Facebook, I'm getting more and more depressed and sad. Massive FOMO.
Of course, my wife is unaffected, and has been about making dinner. I've been trying to hide my mood from her, but she noticed. I know I just make her feel bad when I feel these emotions, because she starts to feel like it's her fault, or that our family life isn't good enough for me. Then I feel guilty, which makes me feel even worse. I feel bad, then feel guilty when it affects others, and then feel bad about that, and feel bad about feeling bad. Awesome.
I hadn't been playing the sub much today, I felt like I needed some extra processing time. As my mood continued to deteriorate, I started playing it again. I started to feel a little better, and felt my rational mind start to kick in with a little logic:
Q:"Why do you feel bad about missing drama, excessive drinking, and spending money on expensive drinks and cover charges?"
A:"Not going out feels like the last vestiges of my youth are dying. Responsibility is boring. Home life is boring."
Q:"Why can't I completely disconnect from the desire to go out like my wife can?"
A:"You're not like her, you're more social, blah-blah-blah."
Then I feel like I don't have as much in common with her as I would like. But then I see that how she is is actually good for me, and where my life needs to be. Over and over and over with these type of conversations going on in my head.
I then notice and appreciate her going through the effort to make us dinner, and making green milk shakes for us and my son - a family tradition she's carrying on from her family. Thoughts of appreciation for spending every second that I can to enjoy the company of my son, who's rapidly growing and learning, and listening to his cackles of childish laughter as he plays, and figures out new things.
There are good things happening here, but I feel like I've been holding on to days past, and it feels like mourning a loss. As I do, I can feel myself letting go and thoughts shifting to a more positive outlook. I gotta get these issues dealt with, and for the first time regarding this theme that I've dealt with for some years now, it feels like something real is happening.
It's St. Pat's Day, and I'm at home with my family. As pictures of people out at the bars pop into my Snapchat or onto Facebook, I'm getting more and more depressed and sad. Massive FOMO.
Of course, my wife is unaffected, and has been about making dinner. I've been trying to hide my mood from her, but she noticed. I know I just make her feel bad when I feel these emotions, because she starts to feel like it's her fault, or that our family life isn't good enough for me. Then I feel guilty, which makes me feel even worse. I feel bad, then feel guilty when it affects others, and then feel bad about that, and feel bad about feeling bad. Awesome.
I hadn't been playing the sub much today, I felt like I needed some extra processing time. As my mood continued to deteriorate, I started playing it again. I started to feel a little better, and felt my rational mind start to kick in with a little logic:
Q:"Why do you feel bad about missing drama, excessive drinking, and spending money on expensive drinks and cover charges?"
A:"Not going out feels like the last vestiges of my youth are dying. Responsibility is boring. Home life is boring."
Q:"Why can't I completely disconnect from the desire to go out like my wife can?"
A:"You're not like her, you're more social, blah-blah-blah."
Then I feel like I don't have as much in common with her as I would like. But then I see that how she is is actually good for me, and where my life needs to be. Over and over and over with these type of conversations going on in my head.
I then notice and appreciate her going through the effort to make us dinner, and making green milk shakes for us and my son - a family tradition she's carrying on from her family. Thoughts of appreciation for spending every second that I can to enjoy the company of my son, who's rapidly growing and learning, and listening to his cackles of childish laughter as he plays, and figures out new things.
There are good things happening here, but I feel like I've been holding on to days past, and it feels like mourning a loss. As I do, I can feel myself letting go and thoughts shifting to a more positive outlook. I gotta get these issues dealt with, and for the first time regarding this theme that I've dealt with for some years now, it feels like something real is happening.