Alpha 5.0

[mat422]

Just a small update. I'm definitely feeling the effects of stage 1, it's subtle but I do feel different. I feel like I'm more free to be myself without feeling that same anxiety I used to feel. I'm more of a quiet kind of kept to myself guy. But I recognize that there is room for improvement there. Particularly avoidant behavior, this has always been a really tricky thing for me. But the more I can be centered and be myself and interact with people, the more I'll see that I'm ok. This is still my Achilles heel, there's still a lot of fear with getting close to people. It's like small interaction or surface stuff I've learned to handle, but the deeper it gets the more I start to sabotage stuff subconsciously.

Oh yeah also I'm hoping Alpha 5.0 somehow helps me with creating music. After starting this new job my energy levels are really low and I feel like I can't dedicate any time to what I want to do. I think part of the problem is in the back of my head I feel like things aren't ok. It may be chronic low level anxiety that's turned into depression, I can't really tell. But as much as I want to get better at making stuff, I don't want to force it and start to hate it. If music becomes more like work then it's not fun anymore.

[mat422]

Confession time. I've been avoiding my journal. I just feel incredibly withdrawn right now. I feel like I should be writing more about how I feel, but at the same time I'm really critical of what gets written down. I've always been like that though. Anytime I feel something negative I'm more likely to hide it than openly express it.

Something that is bothering me is it's sunny and bright where I live. The trees are green, everything looks alive and I just don't feel connected to it. I feel like I'm kind of in a haze. Everything has actually kind of dulled out for me.

I know stage 1 is cleaning out the crap in my mind. But I'm still not sure how much is the sub affecting my mental state vs something preexisting. I probably sound like a broken record here, but I'm trying to get a handle on what exactly is up with me. I still have to see a doctor to get some blood work done.

And that word depressed. I hate saying it, but it's the only thing I feel can accurately describe how I feel. And what I feel is this frustration of trying to understand why things are the way they are. I can't really try to not be depressed, I've done that in the past and it's just like fighting an uphill battle. I can make an effort to not let myself get any worse and to remember to do things I enjoy. But it's just not as easy as that.

Hopefully I have some cathartic moment soon from all the uprooting of stage 1. A lot of it just feels like negative emotion attached to nothing. And when it's just floating there with no real connections, it makes it difficult to approach it from a solvable angle. I honestly just have to say I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm trying to just take each day as it comes, thinking any further than that just makes me feel worse.

[Shannon]

What is your diet like?

[Ryan]

I remember when I first started stage 1 I was in a bit of a haze too. Now in stage 6 I feel really good.

Ryan

[mat422]

What is your diet like?

I try to eat balanced, but honestly I don't pay much attention to my diet. I'll have a fruit smoothie in the morning mixed with whey protein. Eggs for breakfast most of the time. Sometimes I don't really have anything for lunch, I'll just have a yogurt or a piece of fruit. Then for dinner it varies a lot. I'll usually have a salad with dinner too.

But I do tend to have issues with lack of an appetite at times. I try to not go hungry when I can. Lately I've been wondering if I might have an intolerance to gluten. I'm thinking about cutting it out of my diet and see how I feel.

I remember when I first started stage 1 I was in a bit of a haze too. Now in stage 6 I feel really good.

Ryan

Good to hear. Hopefully the same works out for me.

[Cortez]

It sounds like you don't have enough dopamine in your brain to me. I've felt similar things to what you're experiencing and I was skipping meals and generally did not have a great diet. More protein can help with that. In short, pay more attention to your diet and it will make a world of difference. We're very much at the mercy of our brain chemistry.

[mat422]

So haven't posted in a while, but I'm nearing the end of stage 1. I cut gluten out of my diet recently and I've noticed I'm less fatigued. I'm willing to bet I have some kind of sensitivity to it. I'll see how it goes.

I'm working two jobs now. One 4:30-9:00, and the other one 10-5. So I've got some really long days. My second job is an internship at a data center working with servers so I'm getting paid and getting experience in the IT field which is good.

Basically I'm just burnt out right now. I'm not sure how much I'm gonna be updating here unless I see some major changes. It's hard to tell what is completely the subs doing because I'm also taking supplements and cutting gluten out of my diet is having a positive effect. But I'd say I'm not as anxious about a lot of things. I still get anxiety, everything just seems a bit more doable.

[Spiral]

Sounds like a good start Mat. Glad to hear you're workin hard

[Ryan]

Oh man! AM 5 flushed the anxiety right out of me! You'll love it.

[mat422]

Stage 1 done. Moving on to stage 2. So far, I am noticing changes. It's a great feeling when you tap into the subconscious to make changes. It just happens. So far the biggest improvement is my body language. Less anxiety, which makes me more relaxed and allows me to just be centered. I definitely feel more stable, it's a good feeling. Something else I've noticed is I'm not in my head as much. Conversation just flows, the right words just happen. Prior to this I had this block, I just analyzed everything way too much. Which I think was a defense mechanism for the anxiety, kind of like creating a strategy in my head and even that became a subconscious process.

So far I'm happy with how things are going. I think the interesting thing this time around with alpha is I'm not afraid of the change anymore. It has to be done. Through the years I went through stages of growth. First I was unaware of my exact problems, then I learned more, then I tried to change, then I hit a wall where fear kept me in place. I "accepted" myself, which was really just me filled with so much anxiety I was paralyzed, and now I'm realizing staying here is a far worse thing than moving forward.

I hope all this sticks and I'm not eating my words later on. I've been having some really rough times, but slowly I think it's beginning to weigh less and less. I'm hoping by the end of alpha or during it I'll be able to let more people into my life. As of now I feel like I'm harboring a deep dark secret, but the truth is that's how I've felt for most of my life. I've always been a loner, it would be fine if if it was my own choice, but sometimes I feel like I've been thrown into it against my will.

But at least I'm speaking my mind about it now without worrying. The fact is life's been kind of rough for me. I guess over the years of not being able to express that to anyone close made me feel like I should be ashamed of it. Some days it's really hard to see the point of life. That's just a crappy feeling to have.

[Shannon]

Maybe run OGSF too.

[HMoody]

Good Changes Matt!

@Shannon - At What stage is it ok to run OGSF? I had read Stage 4 in someone's thread but you seem to be implying that it would be alright to add it in at an earlier stage?

[Shannon]

Until I calculate it more specifically, it is stage 4. I'm suggesting it for later.

[mat422]

Maybe run OGSF too.

Maybe, I'll have to see how things go. The only thing is would I run it back to back with alpha or listen at a separate time? Actually come to think of it, I don't think I'd have the time for enough exposure. I only get about 6 hours of sleep a night now. I need all that time for alpha.

But I am a fan of OGSF. I guess listening in my off time would be better than nothing, even if it's only about an hour.