02-03-2019, 12:41 PM
DMSI 3.3.1D Day 12
I'm scared.
I know this is a broad statement and explains little but it's the only sentence that truly encapsulates how I feel right now.
This whole situation with my father scares me shitless. Not me myself, not for myself. For my mother. If he's gone (and given his health he's sure to be gone before her) I don't know how she'll keep on going. I know I overexaggerate and he has still years to live but the vision of him being at some time gone is so real and scary right now.
I'm scared of the relationship. I feel like the Universe (or is it my wicked wishful thinking?) is pushing me into a relationship I might want but its all so blurry and I'm not ready. If anything I listen to DMSI to open my options, my horizons. I'm so young and have so much to experience and yet I'm so stuck and scared.
I'm scared of going forward. I feel so comfortable where and how I am right now I wish it never changed. But life is always changing and I need to keep up with it. It's like a plane - if it were to stop it would fall from the sky, but it stays ups because it keeps going.
Finally I'm scared of myself. How much crap I cannot reasonably explain is there in me? How many fears for reasons unknown lurk to be discovered and possibly so so soooo hard to deal with. How long I'll have to struggle to be someone I could take real pride in?
I hate this version of DMSI. And I love it. What I feel about it are harsh realizations I'm not quite ready to accept and adapt to. There are reasons we surround ourselves with lies and fears. It makes us safer and more grounded in our predicament. Getting rid of that feels like being sucked in the quicksand.
Can't wait for day 90.
I'm scared.
I know this is a broad statement and explains little but it's the only sentence that truly encapsulates how I feel right now.
This whole situation with my father scares me shitless. Not me myself, not for myself. For my mother. If he's gone (and given his health he's sure to be gone before her) I don't know how she'll keep on going. I know I overexaggerate and he has still years to live but the vision of him being at some time gone is so real and scary right now.
I'm scared of the relationship. I feel like the Universe (or is it my wicked wishful thinking?) is pushing me into a relationship I might want but its all so blurry and I'm not ready. If anything I listen to DMSI to open my options, my horizons. I'm so young and have so much to experience and yet I'm so stuck and scared.
I'm scared of going forward. I feel so comfortable where and how I am right now I wish it never changed. But life is always changing and I need to keep up with it. It's like a plane - if it were to stop it would fall from the sky, but it stays ups because it keeps going.
Finally I'm scared of myself. How much crap I cannot reasonably explain is there in me? How many fears for reasons unknown lurk to be discovered and possibly so so soooo hard to deal with. How long I'll have to struggle to be someone I could take real pride in?
I hate this version of DMSI. And I love it. What I feel about it are harsh realizations I'm not quite ready to accept and adapt to. There are reasons we surround ourselves with lies and fears. It makes us safer and more grounded in our predicament. Getting rid of that feels like being sucked in the quicksand.
Can't wait for day 90.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4