07-24-2023, 02:00 AM
Onto the final week of Stage 2
I've been in my bubble for 2 weeks healing from the surgery. Solitude is bliss for me, but surprisingly coming out of the bubble on Saturday was completely chill also. I was telling friends I haven't seen in a long time about this big opportunity coming up for me that motivated me to start this program. I noticed I wasn't hyping it or trying to impress anyone. If anything, I was playing it down and being humble.
Also noticed myself being more verbally assertive, often shorter and to the point. Having a neurotic/socially anxious adolescence, I'd since associated talking a lot with confidence. How wrong is that!
It caused me to reflect on being the oldest sibling and having a semi-absent father. It's become a habit to seek out the consensus position where everyone's needs are met. This sounds laudable. The issue is confusing your own needs/wants with the consensus position you are needing/wanting to find. You can lose yourself and even confuse other people, because you are trying to discover what they want when they don't even know themselves.
(This tendency actually merges with some astrological positions in my chart - if anyone is interested in this)
The changes are rippling into my relationship. One example - my partner's kink is me being attractive to and potentially hooking up with other girls. I've skirted around this for a long while and just let her tell me about it on the occasion when she's had a dream about it or got herself off to the fantasy.
The other day, I took her to bed, got her phone and brought up a hot story based on this fantasy. I kissed her neck while she read the story, and over about 15min she started grinding on me, then I told her to touch herself with her free hand, and eventually she told me to fuck her like one of the "other girls" in the bar in the story. This level of full role play, we've only done twice before in the two years since this fantasy came out.
It's funny that I'm such a stud in her brain. Today on my lunch break, I went for coffee and the barista was this young girl who was obviously joking around with her two work friends when I walked in. So I "caught her" being goofy. She made the coffee while I stood by the door, and when she brought it over she was such smiles and eyes and open body language and positivity that I literally flinched away. So I actually have a way to go before I'm that guy who is holding space and enjoying himself in any situation.
I've been in my bubble for 2 weeks healing from the surgery. Solitude is bliss for me, but surprisingly coming out of the bubble on Saturday was completely chill also. I was telling friends I haven't seen in a long time about this big opportunity coming up for me that motivated me to start this program. I noticed I wasn't hyping it or trying to impress anyone. If anything, I was playing it down and being humble.
Also noticed myself being more verbally assertive, often shorter and to the point. Having a neurotic/socially anxious adolescence, I'd since associated talking a lot with confidence. How wrong is that!
It caused me to reflect on being the oldest sibling and having a semi-absent father. It's become a habit to seek out the consensus position where everyone's needs are met. This sounds laudable. The issue is confusing your own needs/wants with the consensus position you are needing/wanting to find. You can lose yourself and even confuse other people, because you are trying to discover what they want when they don't even know themselves.
(This tendency actually merges with some astrological positions in my chart - if anyone is interested in this)
The changes are rippling into my relationship. One example - my partner's kink is me being attractive to and potentially hooking up with other girls. I've skirted around this for a long while and just let her tell me about it on the occasion when she's had a dream about it or got herself off to the fantasy.
The other day, I took her to bed, got her phone and brought up a hot story based on this fantasy. I kissed her neck while she read the story, and over about 15min she started grinding on me, then I told her to touch herself with her free hand, and eventually she told me to fuck her like one of the "other girls" in the bar in the story. This level of full role play, we've only done twice before in the two years since this fantasy came out.
It's funny that I'm such a stud in her brain. Today on my lunch break, I went for coffee and the barista was this young girl who was obviously joking around with her two work friends when I walked in. So I "caught her" being goofy. She made the coffee while I stood by the door, and when she brought it over she was such smiles and eyes and open body language and positivity that I literally flinched away. So I actually have a way to go before I'm that guy who is holding space and enjoying himself in any situation.