whome's LTU5 journal

[whome]

Day 43

Sitting at the airport terminal now. Woke up to an alarm and had to run off without noting my dreams, but I remember that they were more pleasant than normal. Body is still buzzing.

I'm now wondering if things have started to move.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

If I go on this sub, do you think I'll have the same resistance issues to it as you?

I haven't any idea and am not enough of an expert to say.

When I ran DMSI, I woke up physically exhausted and emotionally crushed. With LTU I'm waking up exhausted, but not emotionally crushed in the same way. I'm not seeing any progress yet (though the buzzing over the past few days looks interesting).

But my sleep issues have been happening for years, and the emotional crushedness was something that I'd felt before (although both were not at the same frequency or intensity of occurrence as they were with DMSI). Those were the tools that my subconscious had and was used to using. So in my response you to, 1) I don't know what your existing ways of suffering are, and 2) I don't know if your subconscious will revolt like mine did of if it will accept the sub.

I'm happy to share my experience, but I don't know how to map it to yours.

Fair enough. 

I'll just keep following your journal

[whome]

Day 45

Still on my business trip.

Sleep continues to be an issue, though for other reasons. I ran out of nose spray (bad planning on my part) and so no nightly nose sprays for two days. I'll survive. Dreams have been OK for the past few days.

My body is still buzzing, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. Feeling into being in my body usually brings up fear, but I'm using the buzzing to have something to feel into when I'm in my body rather than allow myself to feel anything else. I still don't know what the buzzing is from, though I'm still OK just hanging out with it.

[whome]

Day 47

A day off. I'm back at home, but not sleeping well.

Last night I was doing an import into my ancient version of Quicken and it kept crashing. So I finally bit the bullet and upgraded, but the new version is unlike the old version, and I was hit with a massive flood of emotions of loss and fear. I fell into the hole of existential terror, and while it didn't crush me, it was more present than it's been in months.

I'm feeling a bit better, but this is still eating away at me.

[whome]

Day 48

The second day off.

Good news: Had a sexy dream. No actual sex in it, but a woman allowing intimate contact. A continuation of sorts from a few days ago.

Bad news: I'm overwhelmed at work. I'm falling behind and am freaking out over a deadline that's coming up. It's early enough that if I ask for help things will be fine, but it's hitting buttons of shame and guilt and loneliness. I'm hammering away at it over the weekend, and will have to talk to my manager on Monday.

[whome]

Day 49

My body is still buzzing.

My emotions are still wildly swinging. When I woke up, my chest was full of pain and grief. As I've been up longer, I'm gaining control over it all, energetically sending away the grief, and it's helping.

Not a ton else to report. I'm hammering away at work stuff, and I'm making enough progress that I'm OK-ish with talking to my manager tomorrow to ask for help.

[Darwinn]

Thanks for keeping up on this journal. I wanted to ask about your 'existential terror'. have you thought about it much and made any steps to deal with it, or is it just something that comes up when on drugs?

[whome]

I wanted to ask about your 'existential terror'. have you thought about it much and made any steps to deal with it, or is it just something that comes up when on drugs?

Hey!

While the existential terror hits super hard when I'm on drugs, it's not restricted to it. A few days ago I did an upgrade of my Quicken, and the idea that I was locking myself into it brought me into a space of terror. I can think of another time when I was with a somatic healer, I was super exhausted, and I felt into my body, and went into that space. It pretty reliably happens when I do drugs, which is why I stopped trying to use drugs as a healing modality, but it's not exclusive to that.

Dealing with it can mean different things. In the moments when it happens, there's not much I can do to deal with it, just sit and push myself back into my head and out of my body. It's kinda funny (in the ironic sense) that the usual recommendation is "feel into your body; are you safe in this moment?" and feeling into my body is what triggers me. Quite a few times, the statement "feel into your body; you're safe, and everything is OK" just triggers the terror more, as the answer to that is a realization of "no, nothing is safe and everything is not OK at all". There's a reason I don't meditate and tend to not do things that put me in my body; it makes things much, much worse.

And I'm not sure what steps I could take to take to deal with it on the larger scale. The usual recommendations don't work, which is why I'm going non-traditional. I'm doing LTU, I'm doing cuddling sessions, I'm working with an energy healer. Are they helping? I think so. My body buzz means that I'm feeling my body, and while I'm being hit with the grief and terror, there are swaths of time that I'm not.

I have some thoughts about sex and my existential terror, so I'm gonna dig up my DMSI journal and post there.

[Edit: the post in my DMSI journal.]

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm glad LTU5 is helping you whome. I struggle with the same trauma issues you do. So I'm hoping that once I can afford it, LTU5 will help me. Im glad it's helping you and I look forward to seeing you progress further.

[whome]

I'm glad LTU5 is helping you whome. I struggle with the same trauma issues you do. So I'm hoping that once I can afford it, LTU5 will help me. Im glad it's helping you and I look forward to seeing you progress further.

Thank you. I hope that you find your path, too.

[whome]

Day 50

I slept OK.

I was in the space of terror this morning. A looming deadline at work, unsure how I could get things done. Talked to my manager today; I have help now. Feeling a lot better.

[whome]

Yesterday, I was in a pretty strong terror space. I'd listened to my loops of LTU ultrasonically, overnight, but I had a copy of the hybrid stream track sitting on my work Mac, and I was inspired to listen to it. I found it quite calming to listen to, and I listened to two loops. This morning, before talking to my manager, I was in anxiety/terror, listened to a loop, and found myself a lot calmer.

The different reaction is interesting.

[whome]

Day 54

The last few on-days were exhausting, but I came out of it. Yesterday was the first off-day and I traveled home for the holiday. Travel usually exhausts me, though I stayed exhausted all evening, which is a bit unusual. Today, the second off-day, I woke super exhausted. I'm rarely great in beds that aren't my own but this was really bad.

I'm interested to see how tomorrow turns out once I get back on for the four days.

[whome]

Day 55

First day back on.

Not so great. Was super tired the whole day, in a way that made me wonder if it was my subconscious shutting me down. Then, during the entire first half of the family dinner, I was burning in existential terror pain.

The intensity and extent of that pain is what makes me wonder about returning to ketamine.