Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[Greenduck]

Something is definately changing. I'm feeling like I am between two dimensions and am not really understanding where I am or where I am going. It's like I'm not used to understanding things from this new perspective (which makes sense I guess). I'm more and more able to stay grounded in my body, and today during dinner my mom was so damn agitated that I haven't seen her like that ever. Muttering and just behaving very weird, slamming cutlery, and just behaving like a mental-patient almost. She is definitely an energy vampire and make me feel very uncomfortable, but as I stay grounded, I notice that she can't "get to me" in the same way. I am starting to be my own person. Is this shift what makes her that agitated? And the moment after dinner she can somewhat be almost "normal" or at least not showing this agitation. I can't really understand it.

[Shannon]

May be her response to not being able to take your energy anymore, Perhaps trying to get to you for evidence that she can still control you?

[Greenduck]

May be her response to not being able to take your energy anymore, Perhaps trying to get to you for evidence that she can still control you?

It's something like that I guess, I have thought in the same paths. But it's hard to believe, that she want to control me. I still see her as my mother, and to control someone as almost something evil. It's two really contradictory things for me. But one is probably more subconsciously driven, and not to be held against her, probably developed through herself living through trauma (my grand parents were in nazi-working camps, but survived) so I think that it may be traced back to that.

I think her behavior is close to what I have read in people with BPD who control others because they have problems facing their own emotions (which are negative and traumatic) when they pop up around others. When they can't control others, it make the situation more "floating" (and in a normal sense "natural") and thus bringing out the negative emotions, which are there and haven't been processed by the person because they are constantly pushed down for X-reason(s).

[Benjamin]

Something is definately changing. I'm feeling like I am between two dimensions and am not really understanding where I am or where I am going. It's like I'm not used to understanding things from this new perspective (which makes sense I guess). I'm more and more able to stay grounded in my body, and today during dinner my mom was so damn agitated that I haven't seen her like that ever. Muttering and just behaving very weird, slamming cutlery, and just behaving like a mental-patient almost. She is definitely an energy vampire and make me feel very uncomfortable, but as I stay grounded, I notice that she can't "get to me" in the same way. I am starting to be my own person. Is this shift what makes her that agitated? And the moment after dinner she can somewhat be almost "normal" or at least not showing this agitation. I can't really understand it.

Very good you were able to stay that calm, credit to LTU.

I was thinking similar to Shannon, that it may be her response to changes in you and her feeling like she's 'losing control' and can't manipulate you anymore so is turning it up to try to get you to go back.

[Greenduck]

Something is definately changing. I'm feeling like I am between two dimensions and am not really understanding where I am or where I am going. It's like I'm not used to understanding things from this new perspective (which makes sense I guess). I'm more and more able to stay grounded in my body, and today during dinner my mom was so damn agitated that I haven't seen her like that ever. Muttering and just behaving very weird, slamming cutlery, and just behaving like a mental-patient almost. She is definitely an energy vampire and make me feel very uncomfortable, but as I stay grounded, I notice that she can't "get to me" in the same way. I am starting to be my own person. Is this shift what makes her that agitated? And the moment after dinner she can somewhat be almost "normal" or at least not showing this agitation. I can't really understand it.

Very good you were able to stay that calm, credit to LTU.

I was thinking similar to Shannon, that it may be her response to changes in you and her feeling like she's 'losing control' and can't manipulate you anymore so is turning it up to try to get you to go back.

Yes I indeed feel more centered and able to stay calmer and more focused. I am at work right now and I feel I am much better at staying centeted, focused, have an easier time to take in information, think analytically, etc.

[Greenduck]

It feels like I am learning what it means to have self esteem for the first time in my life. Seriously. I haven't had it before. I didn't know I could have it. It felt like I didn't deserve it. This I amazing. Very good things are ahead and I feel that life will play out in a nice way for the first time in...ever.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

It feels like I am learning what it means to have self esteem for the first time in my life. Seriously. I haven't had it before. I didn't know I could have it. It felt like I didn't deserve it. This I amazing. Very good things are ahead and I feel that life will play out in a nice way for the first time in...ever.

That's awesome that you're finally having self esteem, Greenduck! I'm happy for you!

[Kol]

I agree. Greenduck, you came a long way. Great changes are happening for you.

[Greenduck]

Thanks really guys. #1 is that my depression is lifting, it feels like a cloud is slowly dispersing and I am able to see life as it is again, with it's opportunities and possibilities and not being weighted down with fear as I have been and #2 is the self esteem part, where I am starting to realize that I can actually feel good about who I am and that I have good qualities, something that have been very foreign to me before. Ltu5 has done things in little less than 2 weeks that I can't comprehend how it did.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Sounds like a glowing endorsement! I intend to use LTU5 when I can afford it.

[Paul1131]

It feels like I am learning what it means to have self esteem for the first time in my life. Seriously. I haven't had it before. I didn't know I could have it. It felt like I didn't deserve it. This I amazing. Very good things are ahead and I feel that life will play out in a nice way for the first time in...ever.

I know what you mean.  Isn’t it refreshing not to have to constantly fight that little voice that tells you that you suck all the time.

[Greenduck]

It feels like I am learning what it means to have self esteem for the first time in my life. Seriously. I haven't had it before. I didn't know I could have it. It felt like I didn't deserve it. This I amazing. Very good things are ahead and I feel that life will play out in a nice way for the first time in...ever.

I know what you mean.  Isn’t it refreshing not to have to constantly fight that little voice that tells you that you suck all the time.

Yeah tell me about that. And the feeling that you can actually BE successful, and whatever you want to be, not at the cost of someone else but in yourself and your deserve to feel good. That stuff is mindblowing.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

It feels like I am learning what it means to have self esteem for the first time in my life. Seriously. I haven't had it before. I didn't know I could have it. It felt like I didn't deserve it. This I amazing. Very good things are ahead and I feel that life will play out in a nice way for the first time in...ever.

I know what you mean.  Isn’t it refreshing not to have to constantly fight that little voice that tells you that you suck all the time.

Yeah tell me about that. And the feeling that you can actually BE successful, and whatever you want to be, not at the cost of someone else but in yourself and your deserve to feel good. That stuff is mindblowing.

So you're really getting all that from LTU5 and you've only been using it a couple of weeks? Makes me wish I could afford it.

[Greenduck]

I saw darwins post about identity and fear and I noticed that a lot of what I believed was me, and in a way that was very ingrained in the way I behaved in life, was due to fear. Like a series of coping mechanisms that made me live life in autopilot, but as this fear is clearing, I see the shores of calmness, and on that beach, I think I will find who I am.

The person I have been around my parents, and this being the person that I identify maybe the strongest with, I also realize is based on fear. It's a very, very deep fear though. A fear based on that I need to be who I am to uphold the illusion they have created for themselves about who they and who I am. So I have gone through my life being the person they needed me to be when around, afraid of discovering who I really am and want to be underneath. I am feeling the pull of that person still when being around them, but I am more and more able to stand my ground and just _be_. You know I'm not even talking that much, just observing. And I am observing how much of the way my parents behave, in terms of social cues, that have decided who I was going to be. A lot of time I have been guided by just social cues, and followed them, out of fear of what would happen otherwise. That is at least my best analysis of the situation. I am intrigued to see how this will play out. I wonder who I can become when I no longer need to follow others expectations of me.