04-02-2017, 02:03 PM
Day 31
This might seem like a pessimistic update, but it is not. It's long, sure, but not pessimistic. If anything it's more hopeful instead of wishy-washy ones from previous week. "Oh WOW, that girl wrote to me, she must want my D!!!" Yeah, those.
The thing that bothers me is that while a lot of whacky stuff is happening in my life right now concerning women (and otherwise for that matter) little of it pays of. Which is a shame because I would love to see some action. Instead each "opportunity" or other happenstance I have described in this journal either seems to go nowhere or just be a wishful thinking on my part. It's funny how at one point I was thinking which one I would choose and day later I would wonder if I could get any of them. That might be disappointing. I know I was disappointed in the past. There were at least two girls (one with DMSI 2.4 and another 3.0) which I seemed to go somewhere with but it all futile. I was disappointed!
I am not disappointed now. WHAT!? BUT WHY!? I'll tell you why. Two reasons.
First of all I still have crap tone of healing to do. How do I know this. Because recently I saw on the streets that suicidal friend of mine with her boyfriend hugging. I was in a great, almost euphoric mood before that and I was in sad, melancholic mood afterwards. Why!? I wasn't jealous of her, I wasn't really anything my conscious mind would recognize. But it still hit me. I have no idea why but I need to clear this mess. Something is wrong under the hood.
And I do have stuff to focus on beside women while healing. It's hard to see no results while you focus on them, that's true. But when in the end it's just a side-track for you, something you'd very much like but you won't be losing your sleep over... Then it's easy. You just wait while self-improving (for yourself, not some girls!) and doing your one thing. And I do say it confidently because I can feel DMSI's effects. I can feel the healing and I know something is happening.
But there is second reason, possibly more important one. I was talking about it a lot before DMSI 3.1 but it bares repeating. Over a year ago, not sure exactly but probably between October '15 and February '16 I was running mix of AM6 refresher and BIATBW as well as a lot of LOA exercises. I would run one for week or two and then I run run the other. And it was a lot of fun, I had a lot of clearing and a lot of semi-result like I have now. I feel almost the same as then. And I know what happened at that time. If anything I can feel it stronger now. The story will not repeat but some patterns will come into play for sure. I know this because that was probably the craziest time in my life and I feel even crazier now. Disregarding those experiences would be foolish.
I won't be talking about healing at that time, go read my journal if you're interested. In short I read a lot and so I was realizing many things. But I did get lots of minor results. For example I went for a date with that girl I saw hugging her boyfriend after 1,5 years of no contact because of random phone call. I did go for a beer with that amazing girl who wants to go to the music festival with me despite her possessive boyfriend. I had a date and didn't follow it through because I didn't want her, not the other way around. And last but not least my sweetheart (I promise I will write this damn essay!) came back to my life, involuntarily from my part and involving some mayor coincidences. I'm sure I forgot about some interesting cases.
And of course I met my ex, lost my virginity and slowly, over the following months, started losing my sanity. Two or so weeks after I met her all the craziness stopped and turned into my dance with her. And dance turned into sword fight.
I can see all those signs again. Girls appear in my life left and right. And not random ones but girlfriend materials. Many of them return to my life, seemingly out of random. I do not get any obvious results, no dates or nudes being send but neither did I get those back then. All those girls simply seem friendly while... uninterested. And I do admit it is sad. Or that I am too autistic to notice. If this was to continue I would be disappointed quite a bit.
But something unexpected might happen. My conscious can only extrapolate the future from the data it knows but so many things are unknown. I strongly expect someone appearing in my life like my ex did a year ago. Don't know who, where or when. But if I were to bet you guys who will be the girl that will make me write "F**ING DMSI" in this journal I would vote for neither of the girls I was describing thus far.
It's quite pleasant to think about them and how I seem to build some connection with each of them, sure. But so I did before I met my ex. And no, I do not say that nothing will ever come out of all those girls. I just don't expect anything from them. And I do not say I want to relive my ex with different person. All I say is I should look out and expect the unexpected.
This might seem like a pessimistic update, but it is not. It's long, sure, but not pessimistic. If anything it's more hopeful instead of wishy-washy ones from previous week. "Oh WOW, that girl wrote to me, she must want my D!!!" Yeah, those.
The thing that bothers me is that while a lot of whacky stuff is happening in my life right now concerning women (and otherwise for that matter) little of it pays of. Which is a shame because I would love to see some action. Instead each "opportunity" or other happenstance I have described in this journal either seems to go nowhere or just be a wishful thinking on my part. It's funny how at one point I was thinking which one I would choose and day later I would wonder if I could get any of them. That might be disappointing. I know I was disappointed in the past. There were at least two girls (one with DMSI 2.4 and another 3.0) which I seemed to go somewhere with but it all futile. I was disappointed!
I am not disappointed now. WHAT!? BUT WHY!? I'll tell you why. Two reasons.
First of all I still have crap tone of healing to do. How do I know this. Because recently I saw on the streets that suicidal friend of mine with her boyfriend hugging. I was in a great, almost euphoric mood before that and I was in sad, melancholic mood afterwards. Why!? I wasn't jealous of her, I wasn't really anything my conscious mind would recognize. But it still hit me. I have no idea why but I need to clear this mess. Something is wrong under the hood.
And I do have stuff to focus on beside women while healing. It's hard to see no results while you focus on them, that's true. But when in the end it's just a side-track for you, something you'd very much like but you won't be losing your sleep over... Then it's easy. You just wait while self-improving (for yourself, not some girls!) and doing your one thing. And I do say it confidently because I can feel DMSI's effects. I can feel the healing and I know something is happening.
But there is second reason, possibly more important one. I was talking about it a lot before DMSI 3.1 but it bares repeating. Over a year ago, not sure exactly but probably between October '15 and February '16 I was running mix of AM6 refresher and BIATBW as well as a lot of LOA exercises. I would run one for week or two and then I run run the other. And it was a lot of fun, I had a lot of clearing and a lot of semi-result like I have now. I feel almost the same as then. And I know what happened at that time. If anything I can feel it stronger now. The story will not repeat but some patterns will come into play for sure. I know this because that was probably the craziest time in my life and I feel even crazier now. Disregarding those experiences would be foolish.
I won't be talking about healing at that time, go read my journal if you're interested. In short I read a lot and so I was realizing many things. But I did get lots of minor results. For example I went for a date with that girl I saw hugging her boyfriend after 1,5 years of no contact because of random phone call. I did go for a beer with that amazing girl who wants to go to the music festival with me despite her possessive boyfriend. I had a date and didn't follow it through because I didn't want her, not the other way around. And last but not least my sweetheart (I promise I will write this damn essay!) came back to my life, involuntarily from my part and involving some mayor coincidences. I'm sure I forgot about some interesting cases.
And of course I met my ex, lost my virginity and slowly, over the following months, started losing my sanity. Two or so weeks after I met her all the craziness stopped and turned into my dance with her. And dance turned into sword fight.
I can see all those signs again. Girls appear in my life left and right. And not random ones but girlfriend materials. Many of them return to my life, seemingly out of random. I do not get any obvious results, no dates or nudes being send but neither did I get those back then. All those girls simply seem friendly while... uninterested. And I do admit it is sad. Or that I am too autistic to notice. If this was to continue I would be disappointed quite a bit.
But something unexpected might happen. My conscious can only extrapolate the future from the data it knows but so many things are unknown. I strongly expect someone appearing in my life like my ex did a year ago. Don't know who, where or when. But if I were to bet you guys who will be the girl that will make me write "F**ING DMSI" in this journal I would vote for neither of the girls I was describing thus far.
It's quite pleasant to think about them and how I seem to build some connection with each of them, sure. But so I did before I met my ex. And no, I do not say that nothing will ever come out of all those girls. I just don't expect anything from them. And I do not say I want to relive my ex with different person. All I say is I should look out and expect the unexpected.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4