Dubls Mans Up - AM6 i (1-5), ii (5-10)

[Dubls]

Two observations from the past few days:

I want to improve my mindset when I'm ill. I hate how I exacerbate illness with self-pity/doubt, worry, anxiety, and fear. I want my mind to actually alleviate the symptoms and carry me through illness with confidence and tenacity.

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I have spoken at length about my non-existent sex life, and it's one thing to bear the burden in silence, but there's a new layer to the onion. I've made a good friend at work and we've known each other for over a year. In the past all my friends were sexless beta tools. I didn't have to be accountable for the action I haven't taken. But this guy is an alpha with a sex life. We've talked about women, he's told me stories, and I've seen him in action. But he hasn't seen me. He asks me; he encourages me, and I talk myself out of it. He doesn't know just how green I am, but I know that he wonders about me. Not if I'm gay but what the hell is up. I'm all talk. My celibacy is not normal. I am deeply and painfully aware of that. The more time that passes, the more he will take notice, and yes I do care about what he thinks in this case. I want the same reality that he wants for me, the one he assumes I should have. I'm faced with a form of accountability that I've managed to evade for years, and it will either push me away or force me to change.