I'm sick, and it's bringing up some things that I haven't written about.
I always feel a little fear and anxiety when I'm not well—even if it's just motion sickness. I have two explanations for this:
1. My mother is an anxious, fearful, and highly emotional person. Growing up, she imprinted these qualities on me, and whenever I was sick she would act as if I was dying from the plague. She took good care of me but I picked up on her queues that I should be worried and afraid.*
2. I had a traumatic experience in my early 20s where I thought I was going to die—it turned out to be a major panic attack, and the experience scarred me. I was so afraid of losing control. I felt like I was fighting to stay conscious i.e alive—I was just hyperventilating. Well that event turned out to be the catalyst for turning my life around. I did therapy (long overdue), I got healthy, I went back to school, and here I am today doing better than ever. Every once in a while though—and progressively less as time goes on—that fear is rekindled when I am ill.
I like to use how I think and feel when I'm not at my best as a measure of just how far I've come. So I'm a little disappointed today.
I always feel a little fear and anxiety when I'm not well—even if it's just motion sickness. I have two explanations for this:
1. My mother is an anxious, fearful, and highly emotional person. Growing up, she imprinted these qualities on me, and whenever I was sick she would act as if I was dying from the plague. She took good care of me but I picked up on her queues that I should be worried and afraid.*
2. I had a traumatic experience in my early 20s where I thought I was going to die—it turned out to be a major panic attack, and the experience scarred me. I was so afraid of losing control. I felt like I was fighting to stay conscious i.e alive—I was just hyperventilating. Well that event turned out to be the catalyst for turning my life around. I did therapy (long overdue), I got healthy, I went back to school, and here I am today doing better than ever. Every once in a while though—and progressively less as time goes on—that fear is rekindled when I am ill.
I like to use how I think and feel when I'm not at my best as a measure of just how far I've come. So I'm a little disappointed today.
Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
