11-01-2015, 12:47 PM
I feel like writing some shit.
I feel pretty lonely. It makes sense because by society standards I am. I only speak to my parents, siblings and few guys at work.
I used to have friends but I just wanted to come away from them because I felt they did not match me and the rest is history. I just have never really found anyone that I get on well with really. I am very picky who I interact with or who I open up too.
It is weird though I am so used to being on my own, it feels normal. But every now and then I feel lonely, but not enough to want 'people' as friends, just for the sake of it.
I would rather be on my own then be around people I don't want to be around.
I think these thing are playing on my mind more because there is apart of me that finds it hard to connect to people. I just don't know how to.
It is alien to me how people can have all these friends and want to actually spend lots of time with them.
It kind of reminds me of when I was younger. Where I lived was so far away from all the other kids houses I never could really just hang out like a normal kid. As my parents had a lot of land, I always had animals as friends. I remember spending a lot of time alone, and with my pets.
Things changed when I went to high school, I moved around with a few different circles and towards the later years just had a few friends that I actually liked and got on well with. I always had quality girlfriends though, especially the last years of high school. I still think of that girlfriend even today and how it seems I have pushed every good girlfriend I have ever had, away since. Then years later realize what I did, and wonder why the fuck did I do that?
Come to think of it, I have never been dumped. It was always me making the path in my relationships go towards annihilation. I always ended up bored. I have always liked new and fresh. Every relationship I have had, has created a new life with it. It has set a new vibe, new experience, new lessons to be learned.
For some reason the new fresh feeling of meeting someone new, gives me energy, it makes me feel alive and more human, which sets off series of paths, that where not there before.
I think I do yearn for connecting with someone, but I sabotage myself from connecting, really connecting with anyone. I do feel like I have a wall up most of the time and I feel that if I meet someone that can get through that, then they are pretty special, as no one can get through my wall.
I am a walking paradox, there are so many conflicting levels that I just never know what to really believe about myself. I am not black or white, I am multi colored, within multi colours.
Life is kind of bland for me. I have certain interests, but most of it is introverted activities. I desire to find things I am genuinely interested in, not just have to go do things because society deems it something I should do. There is a lot of bullshit out there, that is why I refuse to watch any mainstream media, it pisses me off, just thinking of it.
I was feeling pretty good yesterday. I went out food shopping and I felt on top of the world, I actually felt complete, calm, peace walking among people. No insecure thoughts, no judging myself or others, no feeling of anxiety, just light and free.
Today I feel like I have come down with depression. I feel like I have Bipolar using these subs.
I feel pretty lonely. It makes sense because by society standards I am. I only speak to my parents, siblings and few guys at work.
I used to have friends but I just wanted to come away from them because I felt they did not match me and the rest is history. I just have never really found anyone that I get on well with really. I am very picky who I interact with or who I open up too.
It is weird though I am so used to being on my own, it feels normal. But every now and then I feel lonely, but not enough to want 'people' as friends, just for the sake of it.
I would rather be on my own then be around people I don't want to be around.
I think these thing are playing on my mind more because there is apart of me that finds it hard to connect to people. I just don't know how to.
It is alien to me how people can have all these friends and want to actually spend lots of time with them.
It kind of reminds me of when I was younger. Where I lived was so far away from all the other kids houses I never could really just hang out like a normal kid. As my parents had a lot of land, I always had animals as friends. I remember spending a lot of time alone, and with my pets.
Things changed when I went to high school, I moved around with a few different circles and towards the later years just had a few friends that I actually liked and got on well with. I always had quality girlfriends though, especially the last years of high school. I still think of that girlfriend even today and how it seems I have pushed every good girlfriend I have ever had, away since. Then years later realize what I did, and wonder why the fuck did I do that?
Come to think of it, I have never been dumped. It was always me making the path in my relationships go towards annihilation. I always ended up bored. I have always liked new and fresh. Every relationship I have had, has created a new life with it. It has set a new vibe, new experience, new lessons to be learned.
For some reason the new fresh feeling of meeting someone new, gives me energy, it makes me feel alive and more human, which sets off series of paths, that where not there before.
I think I do yearn for connecting with someone, but I sabotage myself from connecting, really connecting with anyone. I do feel like I have a wall up most of the time and I feel that if I meet someone that can get through that, then they are pretty special, as no one can get through my wall.
I am a walking paradox, there are so many conflicting levels that I just never know what to really believe about myself. I am not black or white, I am multi colored, within multi colours.
Life is kind of bland for me. I have certain interests, but most of it is introverted activities. I desire to find things I am genuinely interested in, not just have to go do things because society deems it something I should do. There is a lot of bullshit out there, that is why I refuse to watch any mainstream media, it pisses me off, just thinking of it.
I was feeling pretty good yesterday. I went out food shopping and I felt on top of the world, I actually felt complete, calm, peace walking among people. No insecure thoughts, no judging myself or others, no feeling of anxiety, just light and free.
Today I feel like I have come down with depression. I feel like I have Bipolar using these subs.
