07-28-2015, 04:06 AM
(07-25-2015, 06:59 AM)BassOutkast Wrote: - Day 1 -
Had quite an interesting conversation with my girlfriend yesterday. It's her birthday on Monday, and we're around our first year in a relationship together. Obviously that makes for an ideal moment to take a moment & reflect on both the past year and the one to come. She feels quite frustrated & disappointed. Even though it stings to the deepest of my vulnerabilities & insecurities, I refuse to let myself be destroyed. Rather, instead of seeing it as complaints & whining, I choose to frame those as warning signs. THESE are the things I need to keep an eye out for; THESE are the things I need to work on & improve. Not for her, because I'll exhaust myself if I change for her & I'll end up resenting her for it. But as my girlfriend, she does have the closest & most accurate overlook on me & my life. Speaking of which:
- I'm a 24 years-old male (which isn't that old all things considered but I feel like I sorta wasted a lot of time already)
-Relationships-wise: as mentioned earlier I'm in a relationship since a year already. Before that I only had 1 girlfriend (my only sexual partner) and there was an almost 5 years dry-spell after she broke up with me. First love, first girlfriend, first heartbreak; took me a good 3 years to more or less get over it (and if I am to be honest there probably is still a few things I'd need to work on). I then kinda got my life a bit together (or I least stop poisoning myself with alcohol & drugs, spending my days idealizing the past instead of looking forward) and with the help of AM 5.0, met & seduced my current girlfriend. She is on paper my total opposite; she's about to turn 23, bi-sexual, had lovers by the dozens (not exaggerating) both short-lived flings & more long term relationships (usually open though), seasoned traveler, on her own since her 16, never held a place or a job more than 6 months but still found the time to get her bachelor degree in psychology. She's hot where I'm cold; she's impulsive & spontaneous where I'm posed & calculated. In one word, she's as attractive to me as she can be confusing & chaotic. Despite all this, she's devoting herself the me in ways that neither of us would have thought possible a mere year ago, and even though there has been tears, shouts & hurt feelings, we're still together and hoping to make things better for the year to come. I must admit, at first I was overwhelmed & intimidated. I think I still am somehow. But I choose to jump in & push through with a confidence I never expect having (thanks AM 5.0!). Now a year later, I definitively have improved (congrats to me) & now it's time to step things up once more.
-Professionally: I'm a total failure. I've been holding to the same part-time job since my 17. Only job I ever had. I'm making now around $15K ($10K in actually pay, the rest in tips). I'm living in my parent's crappy basement. I've been failing school for the last decade, which means despite all the inscriptions, money & time spent I have no diplomas to show for it.
Obviously, it's time for a change. I've been sh*t scared of this all my life but I can't wait and put this off anymore. Only thing is, I got so used to failing I'm not sure if and how I can succeed. This is where the subliminals are coming in.
So why am I doing this?
First of all for consistency. I have huge problem with this. As a certified procrastinator, I find that consistency is the key of success that seems to always eludes me. By logging in my days, progress or lack of, it'll help me stay focus & directed.
Second, this is an attempt at reaching out. As a loner, I tend to always keep my hopes & dreams for myself. Like this I feel insulated if ever things don't go my way, I have nobody to justify or explain myself to. I realize now that I've followed this logic with very little success up so far. By putting this log out, I'm opening myself to comments, criticism but also, I hope, support & advice. Please, feel free to post.
You have been able to hold onto a job for many years - I call that success even if it does not pay big bucks. Still being alive is success in itself. Lots of guys don't have a girlfriend at all.
If you keep a Journal and write one thing down (each day) that went well for you, you will have a long list in a year's time to reflect on.
