Question for Shannon About AM/SM

[SargeMaximus]

First Shannon I want to thank you for taking time to help me with this continually. It is much appreciated. So thank you.

Okay, Sarge, you're answering your owqn question and not really seeing what I am saying.

If when you are nice to them, they see that it's fake, then... stop faking it. That means that some part of you still is angry/hateful towards them, and they sense it, and they see the discontinuity and reject you for it.

Remember what I said: what you believe, you become, create and attract. You are believing whatever negatives about women you concluded as a result of being mistreated, and then generating the resultant reality from that. When you try to change it superficially, it does not change it. So you then appear fake and they see it and reject you. And your response seems to be... "well **** you then, I'll just take that as an excuse to hate you still!"

No not exactly, the response is "well, if that's what they respond to, why not give it to them"?

You haven't changed anything but the smile on your face. If you came across a girl who's smile said she liked you, but her eyes said she hated you, what would your response be?

So you have to genuinely change this response to women internally, not just superficially. That comes from recognition of the issue, understanding that not all women are like whichever ones have been hurting you, and the maturity to stop blaming everyone for the actions of a few, followed by forgiving those who have done nothing to hurt you, and if you are really wanting to succeed, forgiving those who have hurt you as well.

But how? I've been meditating lately. Also still going to counseling. Plus, there's always that fear that if I let my guard down for a second, I'll be taken advantage of again. I just don't know how to deal with things cause I don't know the right process. Any suggestions?

You also need to make being around you fun, and having sex with you fun. Girls just wanna have fun. Yes, cheesy, but true. The guys who are most fun tend to have no particular agenda and are typically fairly spontaneous.

This one I never got. Sex IS fun. So, how could it not be fun??

You are assuming that everyone shares your point of view. Sex is fun FOR YOU. It may not be fun for her. It may be painful, scary, make her feel too vulnerable, feel like it's an obligatory act, remind her of some past emotional or sexual trauma, etc. You must make it fun for her as well.

I see your point. I guess I just figured a girl could handle herself, and not only that but making sex fun for her was so invasive like, she should be able to enjoy it on her own.

How does one MAKE someone have fun anyhow?

What makes you needy is not seeking and supplying the needs you have from within yourself, instead of seeking externally for them.

Like sex? I'm not sure I know what needs you mean.

I'm not saying how or why you are/became bisexual. I'm just saying what appeared a likely explanation based on what information I had.

Ok.

If you're not mysogynistic, then you do not think or act in a mysogynistic manner. Either you do or you don't, you are or you aren't. Are you or not?

I'm both. Depends. I like women when they like me and reciprocate feelings and attraction towards me, I don't like them when they are weird and take it away. Maybe that's the needy part?

If you want to be able to love women, then you don't. I don't want to love women, because I already do. Not necessarily every single individual one, but females in general.

Ok, well I have that already too, just they taint that love. It's like a clear window and then a sudden fog or dirt going over it as I get to know them more. Judgment perhaps? Maybe this is why people act in ways I suspect are them trying to impress me. Because they sense my judgmental side maybe.

I enjoy them and what makes them female, not necessarily because of sex or romance or any other particular specific reason, but because I understand that they are people like me and they happen to be expressing through a female body and that that will adjust how they express and why, and that they by and large want and need the same things I want and need. I also know that I will catch more bees with honey than vinegar, and that life is a lot more enjoyable when I am being positive. So I take women as a whole as an enjoyable experience, and women individually as being whatever they show themselves to be, with all that that entails. They get from me the attention, admiration and respect that they deserve based on their choices and actions.

Yes I see this too. But, my love for women might be more accurately described as blind infatuation. I love everything about their body and energy so I don't much care about their personality. It also seems like women reject me on that fact too, like I should care about the inside as much as the outside. Why can't I just like what I like though?

Could I hate women in general? Sure, I have been plenty abused by women. It's only since around 2010 that that has really stopped, and that is because I mastered myself to a sufficient degree. But that also means that I have the maturity to differentiate "all women" from those who hurt me, and not try to blame them all for the choices and actions of the handful I was hurt by. It also means that I accepted and owned the fact that it was my own beliefs that resulted in the choices and thus actions which in turn resulted in the experiences I had with them. When I understood that and what I needed to learn to stop being treated that way, the treatment stopped and since then I have attracted only women who treat me well. Even those who used to be abusive to me, now no longer do so, because I will not allow them to.

That's awesome. I'd like to get to that place too. With all people, not just women. I'm definitely getting tired of fighting people because of their reactions to my internal state.

What is there to love about women? I can think of a lot more than just their love. But it depends on what kind of love you're talking about. It also depends on what kind of woman you're dealing with. Quality women have a lot to love about them. I have met women who were sexy as hell to me because of their intelligence. I have met women whose sense of humor made me love them. Women whose sense of adventure was awesome, women whose playfulness was awesome, women whose genuine caring and love for me made them loveable, and so on.

Yes it's an energy. So I guess I DON'T just care about their bodies. I simply meant in those instances where I do, they seem to resent me for it OR (if I'm in "misogyny mode") then they like me for it.

I met a woman and held her hand for like 25 minutes in a public walmart a few weeks ago. Kissed her on the neck at the end, all because I connected with her loving energy. I want this with all women, and I get resentful when it's not reciprocated. But mostly because I think it's not reciprocated because of some weird social rule. Like "oh, people just don't DO that" or something. I dunno, seems like people have these filters, and I'm not sure how to break through without being a force to be feared. I'm only trying to share and cultivate the love.

Again, the inner parts of myself must be reconciled, but the question is always "how?"

Here's a clue. You don't get love in response to hate unless you're dealing with a very, very wise being. And you will only get sex in response to hate if you are dealing with a seriously ***** up woman. If you want to attract seriously ***** up women, hate works. If you want a woman who is healthy, you will have to put down the hate and outgrow blaming all women for the actions of a few.

This is where I disconnect on that issue: I believe that the women I am sexually attracted to are ALSO the ones with the most emotional problems AKA "f*cked up". If this is untrue, then great, I'll embrace love, but if not, how can I satisfy my desire without embracing hate?

If they are still ***** with you, then you need to get away from them and then begin working on forgiveness if you don't think you can forgive them otherwise. But you can only change yourself.

I am, but this leaves me isolated because most women f*ck with me on some level, be it shit tests, or what have you. Which brings me to the next point you brought up \/

So you are having trouble because the "stupidity of women" being "their irrational and illogical ways". But this issue is based on your own stupidity, which is you expecting them to be what you expect them to be. A woman is a woman, and a man is a man. They are designed differently and they think and act differently. Expecting otherwise does not change that fact. It only frustrates you when your expectations fail to be conformed to by the greater reality which you don't directly or completely control.

This is exactly my point! lol. Maybe I'm just not accepting that women want to be treated like shit? Maybe me expecting them to be loving and caring is based on my own f*cked up expectations. But then, you say women can love you and be nice, so I don't know.

Tip: When you have expectations, you are asking to be disappointed. Therefore, let go of expectations.

Furthermore, again, remember that you attract and create the reality that naturally results from your deepest beliefs. If you are surrounded by women who are irrational, illogical and generally stupid, you are putting out there the beliefs, choices and actions that are resulting in you meeting that type of woman. If you don't want that type of woman, then as Ghandi said, be the change you wish to see in the world. In other words, the only thing you have the power to change is yourself - not other people. So change yourself into the guy who attracts the women you want to be around. Blaming them for not being what you want, only gets you more of what you have.

I get this. But I can't be the type of woman I want, cause then I'd be a drag queen/shemale. So... how does that work? I'm not mocking you either, I'm serious, and I'm trying to explain it...

It's like... like you said how women are women, and men are men. Then, shouldn't I be the type of man the type of woman I want will want? AKA "misogynist"? Isn't that logical? If the women I want only want misogynistic men, then shouldn't I just embrace it already?

Again, my main fear is that:

- The types of women (body-wise) I am attracted to are only attracted to misogynistic, hateful men.

Hate isn't getting you respect or attraction. You just don't realize that because you don't know any better yet. Hate gets you noticed, but the people who will stick around long enough to care are not the ones you want to be dealing with. The key isn't what you think it is. The key is figuring out how to make yourself genuinely happy.

I hope you're right. I really do want to be genuinely happy. Just feels like I'm idealistically fighting with reality.

In life, you are always welcome to make bad choices. You are always welcome to hurt yourself, if that is how you insist on learning. But the easier way to learn is to watch other people make mistakes, and then don't do that. The more I see of this, the more I realize that your issue boils down to you blaming women for something that 99.99999999999999999999999999999999% of them didn't do, and then deciding that they all deserve hate and being too immature to face the fact that you insisting on having it your way is only hurting you, not them. Hate only begets misery.

I can kind of see why you'd say that, but it's more. It's also from times where I go to the store in a bad/hateful mood, and having women approach me, vs. times where I'm in a loving mood, and having NONE approach me, or even notice me.

What is that if not reality? Beliefs still? If so HOW CAN I CHANGE IT? Because if what you're saying is true, I need to change this asap.

Women don't go for abusives. Abused and damage women go for the only thing they know when they are looking for some semblance of love and validity, which is... abuse. And abused people tend to be very afraid of their abusers, and are not generally the best choice of protectors from abusers... so blaming her for being afraid of her abuser and hating her for it is really not doing anyone any good. You have to understand her point of view better and forgive her for her failings, through understanding them, and her. Did she fail to protect you? Yes. Is it in the past? Yes. Can that be changed? No. Is hating her and blaming her doing anyone any good? No. But what can do good is understanding her, forgiving her and letting yourself move on, both personality and in relation to other women.

I understand it, but she's still broken. Maybe always will be. I guess I wished/hoped she would have snapped out of it by now and been a real mother, but she just isn't. When she tells me she loves me, I don't even believe it. Nor do I feel anything when around her except her own delusion. I would much rather be able to have a healthy relationship with her, but I can only do so much (even if I knew what to do), she has to do her part too.

And hating women in general for this is not helping it either. If they don't understand enough to do better, blaming and hating will accomplish not a damned thing. So simply seek one who does understand and seeks better for herself, but blame and hate are negative and negativity is only going to lead to more misery. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

I so want to do this, honestly, I just have that last bit holding me back, saying "but you'll never get the kinds of women you desire". Part of me too thinks by going after the kinds of women I want, will be me looking for the proverbial "unicorn". How can I search for real women when real women probably don't fit my ideal?

I'm never having kids btw unless I find a unicorn (i.e. a woman who's not f*cked up lol)

Everyone has their issues. You, me, and everyone alive. There are women out there who are suitable for you to have kids with, but before you have kids, try to make yourself the parent you wanted your parents to be... now there's the real challenge.

Totally agree.

I'm not sure what you mean. But I can say this... for the millionth time. It's not that they want to be treated like shit", it's that your beliefs, actions and reactions attract women who you perceive as wanting to be treated like shit, and your limited awareness prevents you from understanding that they are only attracted because this is the like that you are attracting with your beliefs, actions, choices and attitudes. Not all women want to be treated like shit. YOU are the key factor, and what YOU believe and what YOU respond with is what generates YOUR choices and YOUR actions and the resulting response from the world around you is women of the same caliber.

Ok. I'm going to meditate on this. Specifically how to change inside. I'm so new to this.

The law of averages says that you will get the results you get from the sample size you select, and the constituents of that sample, will on average be reflective of the sample you selected from.

If all you select for a random sampling is blue marbles and yellow marbles, and then you "randomly sample from your chosen sampling, you won't get red marbles. Again...

If you are attracting a specific type of woman, or a specific type of reaction, from women, as a result of your beliefs, and the resulting choices, actions and attitudes, then you are going to be biasing the "sample" in the direction of what fits the beliefs etc. that you hold.

Fair enough. Perhaps I should start approaching women who don't feel right. I've had a few chances this last week where women put themselves in my way or smiled at me and I did nothing because it felt "wrong" like bad vibes. Maybe that's just me protecting my reality/beliefs.

I read once that an organism controls it's behavior to influence it's perceptions. If what you're saying is true, my behavior is designed to support the reality I believe is true.