04-20-2015, 07:44 PM
Today has been an interesting day.
I haven't felt the need to post at all. However I might as well update the world as what I have been up to.
For me this journal has really been MY journal. In which case I want to point out that changes to me have primarily been on the inside and core of who I am. Less has shown on the outside. However it will show eventually. Like the butterfly-effect. This AM6 has really been like EPRAH for me in a way.
What was I going to say.
Ah yes, the last 2 nights I have had sexual dreams. Really the first of any. The first was out of the blue. The most I remember is being attracted to a thicker woman. Then pinching her... hahaha.
Last night was much more introspective and I have learned alot. Either from AM6 or the natural progression of change. You never stay the same day-in and day-out.
Anyway I had looked at porn before I went to bed. A mix really. Hetero and other kinds. I have a fetish for almost anything not involving the gross/disgusting- now that I think about it. I am quite free sexually.
I have odd wierd dreams of girls/guys and I find myself waking up... overwhelmed and horny. Wet dreams.
I will wake up in the morning, but the previous night feels like a dream in itself. (the waking up in the middle of the night). It feels so... odd. I have had this happen twice in my life that I can remember. Both within a 10 day period.
My journals are quite different. I mentioned something similar in my EPRAH journal. The part about, being so repressed. Mostly because I have felt that I needed to do/believe things to be "saved" from sin.
During this AM6- these 4.5 stages has been so difficult. Why? Because of the self-hatred that has been coming out. Not a voiced type but the kind you feel within yourself. Fear. Anger. Hatred.
I lack something that I really need. Self-Love. Its so crucial to me, to what we are about as human beings.
This morning I was walking my dog, just saying random phrases to myself- regarding self-love.
- "I love myself for moving to a new place, for getting rid of my toxic friends."
- "I love myself for the brilliant unique person that I am."
- "I love how I can love other people in my life and feel the love surrounding me."
- "I love how I am such an attractive human being, how I am unlike any person that has walked this earth."
- "I love how I am being less judging everyday of who I am, and getting to learn more about myself."
- "I love myself and how I am sexually unique, and able to share that with anyone who I choose."
Now that I am more self-loving than I have been- I hope to see more outward changes.
Also should you read this Shannon-
I think I was very impatient about the Hours vs Days thread. I wanted change- NOW! Just jealous of others. Everyone's path is different.
Also could you add more to your journal with the effects on your tests of the new programs. I found that to be quite interesting to read- when you were talking about that one woman.
I haven't felt the need to post at all. However I might as well update the world as what I have been up to.
For me this journal has really been MY journal. In which case I want to point out that changes to me have primarily been on the inside and core of who I am. Less has shown on the outside. However it will show eventually. Like the butterfly-effect. This AM6 has really been like EPRAH for me in a way.
What was I going to say.
Ah yes, the last 2 nights I have had sexual dreams. Really the first of any. The first was out of the blue. The most I remember is being attracted to a thicker woman. Then pinching her... hahaha.
Last night was much more introspective and I have learned alot. Either from AM6 or the natural progression of change. You never stay the same day-in and day-out.
Anyway I had looked at porn before I went to bed. A mix really. Hetero and other kinds. I have a fetish for almost anything not involving the gross/disgusting- now that I think about it. I am quite free sexually.
I have odd wierd dreams of girls/guys and I find myself waking up... overwhelmed and horny. Wet dreams.
I will wake up in the morning, but the previous night feels like a dream in itself. (the waking up in the middle of the night). It feels so... odd. I have had this happen twice in my life that I can remember. Both within a 10 day period.
My journals are quite different. I mentioned something similar in my EPRAH journal. The part about, being so repressed. Mostly because I have felt that I needed to do/believe things to be "saved" from sin.
During this AM6- these 4.5 stages has been so difficult. Why? Because of the self-hatred that has been coming out. Not a voiced type but the kind you feel within yourself. Fear. Anger. Hatred.
I lack something that I really need. Self-Love. Its so crucial to me, to what we are about as human beings.
This morning I was walking my dog, just saying random phrases to myself- regarding self-love.
- "I love myself for moving to a new place, for getting rid of my toxic friends."
- "I love myself for the brilliant unique person that I am."
- "I love how I can love other people in my life and feel the love surrounding me."
- "I love how I am such an attractive human being, how I am unlike any person that has walked this earth."
- "I love how I am being less judging everyday of who I am, and getting to learn more about myself."
- "I love myself and how I am sexually unique, and able to share that with anyone who I choose."
Now that I am more self-loving than I have been- I hope to see more outward changes.
Also should you read this Shannon-
I think I was very impatient about the Hours vs Days thread. I wanted change- NOW! Just jealous of others. Everyone's path is different.
Also could you add more to your journal with the effects on your tests of the new programs. I found that to be quite interesting to read- when you were talking about that one woman.
