I'm wondering if this is just a waste of time. I've clearly got some deep rooted crap which just refuses to budge - I keep getting yanked back to this same place.
I'm Thinking I just need to get on EPRHA and Do a Sh*t tonne of releasing of the past - i'm sick of this negativity.
At this stage i mistrust and suspect everyone of belittling me - to the point where i have distanced myself from everyone. i have no close relationships and don't want anyone close. I've always been a bit of a loner - playing comedian to a crowd in order to gain acceptance at least but at this stage i just don't care about anyone. My friends say they 'love' me, but i feel nothing, the concept doesn't even make sense, especially since when we interact all i get from them is BS and condescention - i wonder if they just love that they can stand next to me and feel like less of a chump.
Update on my goals.
Work
I wanted to get to a decent rating in my team - i said i would like to be in the upper end of ratings in my team, this seems to have happened now. I have my business progressing - i'm going to launch but need a business plan quick time. The mentor who i mentioned before finally has time to meet me and i'mm going to seem him today - maybe that would help with some perspective.
Social
Socially I'm verging on totally spastic at the moment, awkward, self doubting, selfdeprecating - avoiding any sort of challenge what soever. Honestly I just want to stay away from people - i feel mentally slow, frustrated and tired.
Mental
I'm in a constant cycle - motivated, determined, wanting to conquer the world, and then just sitting in my room watching netflix for hours on end, Not wanting to be too challenged. Then Anger for my past, the inertial of my current situation. This leads back to a 'DO or DIE' mentality - where it's all or nothing, things go ok for a while but i'm so focussed on work that i just become more anti social, i end up snapping and finding myself back in the Sh*t again.
I don't see anything for it now but just spending all of my time focussing on releasing all of this crap!
I'm Thinking I just need to get on EPRHA and Do a Sh*t tonne of releasing of the past - i'm sick of this negativity.
At this stage i mistrust and suspect everyone of belittling me - to the point where i have distanced myself from everyone. i have no close relationships and don't want anyone close. I've always been a bit of a loner - playing comedian to a crowd in order to gain acceptance at least but at this stage i just don't care about anyone. My friends say they 'love' me, but i feel nothing, the concept doesn't even make sense, especially since when we interact all i get from them is BS and condescention - i wonder if they just love that they can stand next to me and feel like less of a chump.
Update on my goals.
Work
I wanted to get to a decent rating in my team - i said i would like to be in the upper end of ratings in my team, this seems to have happened now. I have my business progressing - i'm going to launch but need a business plan quick time. The mentor who i mentioned before finally has time to meet me and i'mm going to seem him today - maybe that would help with some perspective.
Social
Socially I'm verging on totally spastic at the moment, awkward, self doubting, selfdeprecating - avoiding any sort of challenge what soever. Honestly I just want to stay away from people - i feel mentally slow, frustrated and tired.
Mental
I'm in a constant cycle - motivated, determined, wanting to conquer the world, and then just sitting in my room watching netflix for hours on end, Not wanting to be too challenged. Then Anger for my past, the inertial of my current situation. This leads back to a 'DO or DIE' mentality - where it's all or nothing, things go ok for a while but i'm so focussed on work that i just become more anti social, i end up snapping and finding myself back in the Sh*t again.
I don't see anything for it now but just spending all of my time focussing on releasing all of this crap!
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
