04-16-2015, 07:43 AM
Err - so it's wierd how positive I am. I'm finding positive meaning even in bouts of depression. I was exceptionally down yesterday. About to launch my business in two weeks when someone with much more experience challenged me on my plans and totally showed me up as being unprepared and basically made me out to be a Total fool.
This naturally sent me into a massive spiral - Just lay in bed berating myself for being a loser, being old and unaccomplished, having failed at fitness, even feeling like i've failed at subs since after two runs of AM6 I'm Back where I am.
My thought process went something like this - lets call the two sides of the internal dialogue 1 and 2
1. 'What's the point, I keep Screwing up, I'm stupid and no matter how hard I try I just end up back where I started'
2. Agreed, it feels terrible to fall or stumble but it's a necessary part of growth, and you are doing something totally new
1. I don't think i have what it takes
2. clearly you do, you have come this far, your first serious obstacle indicates only that you're progressing forward.
1. it was so embarrasing though, Everyone thinks I'm an Idiot
2. But better to have your issues exposed now rather than later - this was so valuable!
1. it's all so hard, i just don't think i can do it
2. This is where you practice Courage; Again - A win!
This all took place with lots of brooding about various things and finally resulted in me snapping out of it; kind of awaking to reality again. I do still massively fear that i'm just not gonna change, something does keep yanking me back to old patterns and it's frustrating as hell.
Anyway. Despite a less positive time over the last week. I'm on course to have a business up in 3 weeks, now with a better sense of how to go about preparing for the different ways in which I can get some revenue coming in.
This naturally sent me into a massive spiral - Just lay in bed berating myself for being a loser, being old and unaccomplished, having failed at fitness, even feeling like i've failed at subs since after two runs of AM6 I'm Back where I am.
My thought process went something like this - lets call the two sides of the internal dialogue 1 and 2
1. 'What's the point, I keep Screwing up, I'm stupid and no matter how hard I try I just end up back where I started'
2. Agreed, it feels terrible to fall or stumble but it's a necessary part of growth, and you are doing something totally new
1. I don't think i have what it takes
2. clearly you do, you have come this far, your first serious obstacle indicates only that you're progressing forward.
1. it was so embarrasing though, Everyone thinks I'm an Idiot
2. But better to have your issues exposed now rather than later - this was so valuable!
1. it's all so hard, i just don't think i can do it
2. This is where you practice Courage; Again - A win!
This all took place with lots of brooding about various things and finally resulted in me snapping out of it; kind of awaking to reality again. I do still massively fear that i'm just not gonna change, something does keep yanking me back to old patterns and it's frustrating as hell.
Anyway. Despite a less positive time over the last week. I'm on course to have a business up in 3 weeks, now with a better sense of how to go about preparing for the different ways in which I can get some revenue coming in.
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
