Stage 4 packs a wallop. Resistance yesterday and today with an intensity I haven't felt in a while. Insecure about my appearance (body and penis), down about my sexual stamina, feeling unworthy of and intimidated by attractive women, overall not feeling very manly, hung up on my lack of social/sexual experience in my 20s—a time when a young adult should flourish, etc. I had some pretty low points yesterday and today and I have to remind myself that this too is progress. There is a clear association between the timing of these feelings and my starting stage 4. One thing I've noticed amidst this garbage is a growing indifference—mind you inconsistent—to attractive women. I'm so used to becoming highly self-conscious around them and I was surprised to that reaction has dwindled. There's one woman at the gym who is an 11/10 and she didn't strike me yesterday the way she has in the past. As a side note, I caught her looking at me a few times, but I have an EXTREMELY hard time believing that she could be interested in me. Was at a restaurant tonight that was littered with attractive waitresses and I recognized one in particular whom I caught looking at me several times the last time I was there. She's also one of the sexiest girls there. This is foreign to me. Anyways, I found myself observing these sexy waitresses and not feeling particularly gaga about them, yet appreciating their beauty. The thought of approaching any one of them produced almost zero anxiety. I find that it's easier for me to feel confident in public because people bring it out in me. On the drive home, I began to question my ability to satisfy them sexually which led to the downward though spiral I wrote about at the start of this post.
More to say but too tired right now.
More to say but too tired right now.