Stage 1, Day 27,
At 430 plays
Slept in pretty hard; 3 hours more than I intended
Did my gym and pMemory eventually; I'm at the point of the program where it's easy to complete a lesson in an hour's time.
Volunteered myself for work today; went well. I'm able to get myself feeling very happy most of the time. But it's strange that the more positive my experience is, the deeper my subconscious digs for experiences in the other direction. After a spree of feeling positive, I began to ponder the possibility of my parents dying in a car crash; that's useless thinking, but it came up nonetheless.
Right now, I'm sitting on my bed, listening to subs, reading blogs, and really yawning and tearing up like crazy; it's as though I'd been in the middle of clearing. I have a feeling that I'll be feeling it tomorrow.
Weird, I've not thought about sex in the last 4-5 days, and haven't jerked it in that much time. Must be low sex drive. But tomorrow I'm seeing the girl I've been seeing, and I'll take it all out on her, so to speak.
I've been realizing more and more that I've caught a sliver of what's possible related to women and dating. I can imagine a reality where I'm being completely authentic with women, I love the heck out of them, and they love the heck out of me, and I can take it wherever we both want. It might be idealistic, but I've already had experiences that could suggest this reality is feasible.
There's just something to be said about the twinkle in a woman's eye, the way she gets excited at things, how I just want to meld and mix myself into her. The issue is that I very rarely see that, which has me a bit confused; few women look at me, fewer smile or hold eye contact. In that reality, it's very hard to believe anything could happen. Especially when I've mixed SM3 + effort and got only a little in return.
At 430 plays
Slept in pretty hard; 3 hours more than I intended
Did my gym and pMemory eventually; I'm at the point of the program where it's easy to complete a lesson in an hour's time.
Volunteered myself for work today; went well. I'm able to get myself feeling very happy most of the time. But it's strange that the more positive my experience is, the deeper my subconscious digs for experiences in the other direction. After a spree of feeling positive, I began to ponder the possibility of my parents dying in a car crash; that's useless thinking, but it came up nonetheless.
Right now, I'm sitting on my bed, listening to subs, reading blogs, and really yawning and tearing up like crazy; it's as though I'd been in the middle of clearing. I have a feeling that I'll be feeling it tomorrow.
Weird, I've not thought about sex in the last 4-5 days, and haven't jerked it in that much time. Must be low sex drive. But tomorrow I'm seeing the girl I've been seeing, and I'll take it all out on her, so to speak.
I've been realizing more and more that I've caught a sliver of what's possible related to women and dating. I can imagine a reality where I'm being completely authentic with women, I love the heck out of them, and they love the heck out of me, and I can take it wherever we both want. It might be idealistic, but I've already had experiences that could suggest this reality is feasible.
There's just something to be said about the twinkle in a woman's eye, the way she gets excited at things, how I just want to meld and mix myself into her. The issue is that I very rarely see that, which has me a bit confused; few women look at me, fewer smile or hold eye contact. In that reality, it's very hard to believe anything could happen. Especially when I've mixed SM3 + effort and got only a little in return.
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
