Reflections and observations.
2 days ago
I’ve disliked a guy at work for some time, and the other day I finally realized why: he doesn’t like me, or at least it seems that way. You see he shows tremendous warmth towards a lot of people at work, but never to me. He rarely talks to me unless he’s got feedback about how I can do my job better. We exchange the occasional stare, nod, or ‘what up’, and that’s about it. He speaks loudly, deeply, and directly, and I’m not used to being addressed that way. And when he doesn’t speak, I feel like he’s judging me.
Let me point out the obvious: I care about what he thinks of me. That’s what I realized the other day. I resent him because of how little attention he pays to me and how much he pays to almost everyone else. And I’m taking it personally, even though I have no way of knowing whether or not it is. I want validation from him because he gives me nothing. Admitting that to myself was liberating. I have no control over this person, but I can reject my own approval seeking behaviour.
1 day ago
Went out to a restaurant/bar with some guys from work. We walk in and talk to the hostess. She is one of the best looking girls there—a solid 8. Here’s the magical part. I was indifferent about it. I was physically attracted to her and at the same time I didn’t care. What a strange sensation. Used to being in the presence of attractive women and receding into my own perceived imperfections and insecurities.
It gets better. She estimates the wait and gives us a buzzer, and I insist on giving her my name. My buddy and I are standing a few feet away from her. We’re laughing and having a good time and I catch her looking in my direction. My buddy takes every opportunity to check out her out and I hardly look. When we get to our table, I take the seat facing the entrance. For the next few hours I scope her out here and there along with all of the sexy waitresses walking by us, but I keep catching this hostess looking in my direction. We make eye contact a few times and I don’t look away until she does.
It gets worse. My buddy—who is successful with women—tells me that I’m not fat anymore and I need to start pulling my own weight—pun unintended. He says if I don’t go up to that hostess and get her number, he will. I tell him she knows that every man in the place wants to have sex with her and she probably gets hit on all the time. What I wasn’t willing to verbalize, was that I had a hard time believing that she could be interested in me.
Shortly after she walks to the back and into the kitchen. We make eye contact again. She comes out with her coat on. It’s obvious she’s going home. I do nothing. I tell my buddy she’s leaving and he runs out after her. At this point I’m assuming he’ll succeed and starting to feel jealous about it and angry at myself. He comes back empty handed. I’m relieved.
Two steps forward, one step back.
2 days ago
I’ve disliked a guy at work for some time, and the other day I finally realized why: he doesn’t like me, or at least it seems that way. You see he shows tremendous warmth towards a lot of people at work, but never to me. He rarely talks to me unless he’s got feedback about how I can do my job better. We exchange the occasional stare, nod, or ‘what up’, and that’s about it. He speaks loudly, deeply, and directly, and I’m not used to being addressed that way. And when he doesn’t speak, I feel like he’s judging me.
Let me point out the obvious: I care about what he thinks of me. That’s what I realized the other day. I resent him because of how little attention he pays to me and how much he pays to almost everyone else. And I’m taking it personally, even though I have no way of knowing whether or not it is. I want validation from him because he gives me nothing. Admitting that to myself was liberating. I have no control over this person, but I can reject my own approval seeking behaviour.
1 day ago
Went out to a restaurant/bar with some guys from work. We walk in and talk to the hostess. She is one of the best looking girls there—a solid 8. Here’s the magical part. I was indifferent about it. I was physically attracted to her and at the same time I didn’t care. What a strange sensation. Used to being in the presence of attractive women and receding into my own perceived imperfections and insecurities.
It gets better. She estimates the wait and gives us a buzzer, and I insist on giving her my name. My buddy and I are standing a few feet away from her. We’re laughing and having a good time and I catch her looking in my direction. My buddy takes every opportunity to check out her out and I hardly look. When we get to our table, I take the seat facing the entrance. For the next few hours I scope her out here and there along with all of the sexy waitresses walking by us, but I keep catching this hostess looking in my direction. We make eye contact a few times and I don’t look away until she does.
It gets worse. My buddy—who is successful with women—tells me that I’m not fat anymore and I need to start pulling my own weight—pun unintended. He says if I don’t go up to that hostess and get her number, he will. I tell him she knows that every man in the place wants to have sex with her and she probably gets hit on all the time. What I wasn’t willing to verbalize, was that I had a hard time believing that she could be interested in me.
Shortly after she walks to the back and into the kitchen. We make eye contact again. She comes out with her coat on. It’s obvious she’s going home. I do nothing. I tell my buddy she’s leaving and he runs out after her. At this point I’m assuming he’ll succeed and starting to feel jealous about it and angry at myself. He comes back empty handed. I’m relieved.
Two steps forward, one step back.
