Stage 1, Day 12
Up later than I should for school, so I'll be quick and jump in bed. Same time to rise tomorrow.
DREAM:
Had one of the most fucked up dreams in my entire life the last evening; I was a young girl (under 13) with long brown hair and I had a sister who was a bit younger, shorter, and similar features. First thing that I remember is that we're in a narrow underground tunnel, and we're climbing it vertically for air. There was the feeling of needing to escape.
We get out, and then it jumps ahead. We're above ground, and it's a cloudy, Fallout 3 sort of backdrop. I see my sister on a wheelcart, unconscious, with cloth over her eyes. I jolt up and try to get us away, and this old, wretched lady grabs me and pins me. She produces this big sharp blade, and I resist harder. For some reason, I stop resisting and accept my fate.
She digs the blade sideways into my right temple, and hinges out one eye from its socket. I hear a horrendous girl's scream; it is, in fact, mine. I can't see out of that eye anymore. She pulls the blade out and does it again with my other eye. I'm then blind, presumably for the rest of my life. I guess this woman wanted to make sure that we don't escape again, and that we're alive. She had done the same to my sister; to think of it, I actually think I witnessed her getting her eyes popped and scraped out, hearing her cries and bloodcurdling screams.
One of the craziest dreams I've ever had.
DREAM END
Funny, since my real life has been a little bit of a nightmare. School feels like it's building on me, but I'm managing by sacrificing sleep to do it (cue Hypersleep). I've also asked work for a schedule change on the weekend.
But, during class, while we were doing an assignment, and I realized that how much more I have to do, with the limited time I have, I felt the more intense mix of anger and anxiety I have ever felt.
I'm also a super wuss right now; the women in my class felt it, and I was trying to cover it up by posturing, but it was no use. There's been a lack of respect for me, and I completely understand it, since they see me as a weak man. In these moments, I AM a weak man. But it's all part of the process.
As I'm typing this, I'm in a similar feeling-place as I was before exams, in particular that big exam that was worrying me (pass or fail context). I'm happy to say that I haven't been tapping anything away. Let's see if it pays off!
Up later than I should for school, so I'll be quick and jump in bed. Same time to rise tomorrow.
DREAM:
Had one of the most fucked up dreams in my entire life the last evening; I was a young girl (under 13) with long brown hair and I had a sister who was a bit younger, shorter, and similar features. First thing that I remember is that we're in a narrow underground tunnel, and we're climbing it vertically for air. There was the feeling of needing to escape.
We get out, and then it jumps ahead. We're above ground, and it's a cloudy, Fallout 3 sort of backdrop. I see my sister on a wheelcart, unconscious, with cloth over her eyes. I jolt up and try to get us away, and this old, wretched lady grabs me and pins me. She produces this big sharp blade, and I resist harder. For some reason, I stop resisting and accept my fate.
She digs the blade sideways into my right temple, and hinges out one eye from its socket. I hear a horrendous girl's scream; it is, in fact, mine. I can't see out of that eye anymore. She pulls the blade out and does it again with my other eye. I'm then blind, presumably for the rest of my life. I guess this woman wanted to make sure that we don't escape again, and that we're alive. She had done the same to my sister; to think of it, I actually think I witnessed her getting her eyes popped and scraped out, hearing her cries and bloodcurdling screams.
One of the craziest dreams I've ever had.
DREAM END
Funny, since my real life has been a little bit of a nightmare. School feels like it's building on me, but I'm managing by sacrificing sleep to do it (cue Hypersleep). I've also asked work for a schedule change on the weekend.
But, during class, while we were doing an assignment, and I realized that how much more I have to do, with the limited time I have, I felt the more intense mix of anger and anxiety I have ever felt.
I'm also a super wuss right now; the women in my class felt it, and I was trying to cover it up by posturing, but it was no use. There's been a lack of respect for me, and I completely understand it, since they see me as a weak man. In these moments, I AM a weak man. But it's all part of the process.
As I'm typing this, I'm in a similar feeling-place as I was before exams, in particular that big exam that was worrying me (pass or fail context). I'm happy to say that I haven't been tapping anything away. Let's see if it pays off!
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
