01-13-2015, 07:50 PM
Stage 1, Day 10,
The way I think now is completely different than the way it was only a year ago, but VERY different than it was 2 years ago.
A big portion of my mental dialogue is about what type of person I'm becoming, and what I need to embody to meet the challenges at hand. A year ago, it was about habits (still very high level), but 2 years ago it was about conning the system and skipping the 'work' part of the equation.
On the ride to class, I found myself asking: "What if I were hiding something from myself and the world, and that's the piece that truly frees me?" I thought of that because I keep hearing stories of people who come out as gay, and whereas before, their life was a bit mess, they get their life in order, get in the best shape in their life, find their mate, and find true happiness.
It'd guess this is because the most crucial part of their identity was being strangled, much like a major artery, killing off other parts of their life. When it's freed up, things can survive and thrive.
Don't worry, guys. I'm not gay. But maybe I'm holding back the part of my identity which communicates: "I'm a straight man" to women. If a very large portion of women are showing just about 0 attraction to me, it's very clear that I'm communicating the wrong things. Maybe if I remind myself that "I love women" and "I love sex and putting my penis into pussy", perhaps that will come through.
It could even be another link; I don't know what I don't know (unconscious competence), therefore, it's difficult to pinpoint it.
I'm becoming increasingly efficient at cutting time for my non-class stuff. For class related things, I'm slowly increasing my ability to meet the challenge.
I felt a lot of nerviness; that feeling of awkwardness when a plane takes off? Yeah, I felt a milder version of that for a couple of hours today. When I'm in that mode, I can't be cool, or even myself, or funny, or resourceful; it's been distracting.
Oh, and the girl from the gym a few days back messages me first thing in the morning
I see her at the gym with her friend; couldn't really speak that loud for some reason.
I'll see if she'd want to grab coffee; but at some point down the line, I'd just like to have carnal knowledge of her. Oh my goodness, she's cute enough as it is, but her slightly bigger, round ass is simply a thing of beauty!
The way I think now is completely different than the way it was only a year ago, but VERY different than it was 2 years ago.
A big portion of my mental dialogue is about what type of person I'm becoming, and what I need to embody to meet the challenges at hand. A year ago, it was about habits (still very high level), but 2 years ago it was about conning the system and skipping the 'work' part of the equation.
On the ride to class, I found myself asking: "What if I were hiding something from myself and the world, and that's the piece that truly frees me?" I thought of that because I keep hearing stories of people who come out as gay, and whereas before, their life was a bit mess, they get their life in order, get in the best shape in their life, find their mate, and find true happiness.
It'd guess this is because the most crucial part of their identity was being strangled, much like a major artery, killing off other parts of their life. When it's freed up, things can survive and thrive.
Don't worry, guys. I'm not gay. But maybe I'm holding back the part of my identity which communicates: "I'm a straight man" to women. If a very large portion of women are showing just about 0 attraction to me, it's very clear that I'm communicating the wrong things. Maybe if I remind myself that "I love women" and "I love sex and putting my penis into pussy", perhaps that will come through.
It could even be another link; I don't know what I don't know (unconscious competence), therefore, it's difficult to pinpoint it.
I'm becoming increasingly efficient at cutting time for my non-class stuff. For class related things, I'm slowly increasing my ability to meet the challenge.
I felt a lot of nerviness; that feeling of awkwardness when a plane takes off? Yeah, I felt a milder version of that for a couple of hours today. When I'm in that mode, I can't be cool, or even myself, or funny, or resourceful; it's been distracting.
Oh, and the girl from the gym a few days back messages me first thing in the morning
I see her at the gym with her friend; couldn't really speak that loud for some reason.
I'll see if she'd want to grab coffee; but at some point down the line, I'd just like to have carnal knowledge of her. Oh my goodness, she's cute enough as it is, but her slightly bigger, round ass is simply a thing of beauty!
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
