11-28-2014, 10:15 AM
(11-28-2014, 09:45 AM)essy Wrote: Nov 26 (Stage 1, day 15)This is me
First feelings of resistance?
Post workout: Thought about being bold, assertive, and decisive—especially with women. I literally felt resistance to the idea of trying to be something I'm not. Like eventually I'll crumble because I'm putting up a front.
This came up because I was also thinking about the dynamic in which my mom looks to my dad to be alpha and how I've done the same for most of my life. The alpha in me comes out when I'm with my mother but for the wrong reasons—to keep her in check. She is anxious by nature and highly emotional.
But all of this is contrary to how genuinely empowered I've been feeling. It's a mixture (the proportions of which are difficult to measure) of my being in shape, well dressed, and listening to AM6.
On a semi-related note:
I turned down an opportunity for casual relations 2 days ago because I'm too self conscious about my body—especially the size of my junk and my lasting power (or lack thereof). It's difficult physically and emotionally to resist my biological urges.
As much as I say I want women and casual sex; and feel physical desire, I give off an air of the opposite because I'm so self-conscious that I actively resist my desires to protect myself from shame and ridicule. This is deeply ingrained and quite possibly the greatest hurdle that I need to overcome.
