04-25-2010, 07:42 PM
Have you tried talking to some of your family members and explaining to them the effects of their actions on you? My family used to be very destructive to my self esteem and self respect. Whenever I had an idea, they would tear it (and me) apart saying it wouldn't work, it wasn't feasible, laughing at it, etc. It got so that I felt hopeless, helpless, and useless.
One day I had the idea to design a boat. I sat down and designed this "boat" on paper and even wrote the software to calculate bouyancy (it was a pontoon boat of sorts). Everything looked feasible and I could see no reason why it should not work. But I had learned that if I mentioned it (which I wanted to do, because it is natural for me to share my excitement with others) that they would claim it wasn't feasible, couldn't work, was a waste of money, stupid, ridiculous, etc. So I contemplated this for a little while this discrepancy between what my design and mathematics was telling me about this little boat I had designed... and what I knew they would tell me... and I decided that they must be wrong. So to prove it, I secretly built it in the back yard.
When it was finished, I was so proud that I let slip that I had created it. Sure enough, the first thing out of mom's mouth was how she was disappointed in me for wasting money on a "ridiculous toy". I told her that my "ridiculous toy" was not a toy it was an experiment to see if my family was full of shit, or of they were right that I couldn't possibly do anything right or succeed. I told her this was a test of what I constantly heard... if my math and design were faulty, I would know they were right. Otherwise, I would know they - and she - could take off, because I was capable of succeeding even if they didn't think so. She didn't understand at that point in time, but when I took it out on the water and it performed exactly as my calculations predicted... I knew that I was only believing them because they repeated it so much.
So I sat her down and explained again... her criticism and negativity, and everyone else's, were destroying my self esteem. Making me feel worthless and hopeless and useless, when obviously, I wasn't. And then I told her that if she wanted to see me succeed that a better course of action would be to believe in me, and support me in my hopes and dreams and efforts.
She got it. Nobody else in my family did... but she got it.
Maybe something along those lines would help you too.
One day I had the idea to design a boat. I sat down and designed this "boat" on paper and even wrote the software to calculate bouyancy (it was a pontoon boat of sorts). Everything looked feasible and I could see no reason why it should not work. But I had learned that if I mentioned it (which I wanted to do, because it is natural for me to share my excitement with others) that they would claim it wasn't feasible, couldn't work, was a waste of money, stupid, ridiculous, etc. So I contemplated this for a little while this discrepancy between what my design and mathematics was telling me about this little boat I had designed... and what I knew they would tell me... and I decided that they must be wrong. So to prove it, I secretly built it in the back yard.
When it was finished, I was so proud that I let slip that I had created it. Sure enough, the first thing out of mom's mouth was how she was disappointed in me for wasting money on a "ridiculous toy". I told her that my "ridiculous toy" was not a toy it was an experiment to see if my family was full of shit, or of they were right that I couldn't possibly do anything right or succeed. I told her this was a test of what I constantly heard... if my math and design were faulty, I would know they were right. Otherwise, I would know they - and she - could take off, because I was capable of succeeding even if they didn't think so. She didn't understand at that point in time, but when I took it out on the water and it performed exactly as my calculations predicted... I knew that I was only believing them because they repeated it so much.
So I sat her down and explained again... her criticism and negativity, and everyone else's, were destroying my self esteem. Making me feel worthless and hopeless and useless, when obviously, I wasn't. And then I told her that if she wanted to see me succeed that a better course of action would be to believe in me, and support me in my hopes and dreams and efforts.
She got it. Nobody else in my family did... but she got it.
Maybe something along those lines would help you too.
Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator
The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
