06-21-2014, 09:45 AM
Day 160
Hi guys, went out yesterday and saw the new boyfriend of the exbf of my exbf with the exbf of my exbf (makes sense ?
) I felt really really bad ! I think that now I understand why I'm feeling so bad. I think I have a problem with seeing people happy without me, like I am rejected because they are happy and me not. Like for the new bf of the ex of my ex: he's gay and he's happy but I'm not and I want to do whatever is possible to destroy their happiness. The same with my exbf: because he's not with me anymore, I cannot conceive he can be happy without me. And the matter of fact is that I speak to his friends (who happen to also be friends of mine) about how bad I feel with the hope that they will go talk to my exbf and tell him that I'm feeling bad and that as a result he will also feel bad. I think this problem is evil ! When people are unhappy and I am happy, or when I have more success than them, I feel so good ! Really, it makes me feel good to be happy while other people are not ! Let's just state here that I do not do this with my true friends, I only do this with people "I don't like". And there are a lot of them ! I tend to dislike people just because they appear to me to have more success than me ! Like people who had a bf before I had my first bf, I felt so bad that I completely started to dislike them. Going back to the ex of my exbf, I also have to say that I wanted to go out with him a year ago but didn't knew if he was gay or not so didn't make the step to go and talk to him. It happens to be that while I was fantasizing about him, he was already with my exbf !! When I knew that, boy I felt bad also ! Because my ex had been happy with a guy I wanted ! And that's when I was still with my ex ! So I was jealous at my ex because he went out with a guy I wanted one year ago. It made me angry at nights ! And now seeing that this guy (exbf of my exbf) is with someone else and happy with him, I feel bad again because I am alone ! I also feel bad because the exbf of my exbf is going out to gay bars while I am not. In fact gay bars scare me ! But I am jealous because he went there and found himself a new boyfriend. But I don't want to go there because I am "too good for that" ! I think I do have a severe emotional issue ! I buried it down but I may have an inferiority complex coupled with some other things. When I saw the exbf of my exbf yesterday, I secretly hoped he would see me and start to make me IOIs (PUA jargon ). It would have been a revenge to my exbf, while in fact I still love him. Gosh this is so complicated !!!! I think I do really need to run EPRHA to get me out of that sh*t ! What do you think about that guys ? It's scaring me, seriously !
On a side not, starting Stage 6 this night, 32 days left until EPRHA !
Bye guys,
-Adri
Hi guys, went out yesterday and saw the new boyfriend of the exbf of my exbf with the exbf of my exbf (makes sense ?
) I felt really really bad ! I think that now I understand why I'm feeling so bad. I think I have a problem with seeing people happy without me, like I am rejected because they are happy and me not. Like for the new bf of the ex of my ex: he's gay and he's happy but I'm not and I want to do whatever is possible to destroy their happiness. The same with my exbf: because he's not with me anymore, I cannot conceive he can be happy without me. And the matter of fact is that I speak to his friends (who happen to also be friends of mine) about how bad I feel with the hope that they will go talk to my exbf and tell him that I'm feeling bad and that as a result he will also feel bad. I think this problem is evil ! When people are unhappy and I am happy, or when I have more success than them, I feel so good ! Really, it makes me feel good to be happy while other people are not ! Let's just state here that I do not do this with my true friends, I only do this with people "I don't like". And there are a lot of them ! I tend to dislike people just because they appear to me to have more success than me ! Like people who had a bf before I had my first bf, I felt so bad that I completely started to dislike them. Going back to the ex of my exbf, I also have to say that I wanted to go out with him a year ago but didn't knew if he was gay or not so didn't make the step to go and talk to him. It happens to be that while I was fantasizing about him, he was already with my exbf !! When I knew that, boy I felt bad also ! Because my ex had been happy with a guy I wanted ! And that's when I was still with my ex ! So I was jealous at my ex because he went out with a guy I wanted one year ago. It made me angry at nights ! And now seeing that this guy (exbf of my exbf) is with someone else and happy with him, I feel bad again because I am alone ! I also feel bad because the exbf of my exbf is going out to gay bars while I am not. In fact gay bars scare me ! But I am jealous because he went there and found himself a new boyfriend. But I don't want to go there because I am "too good for that" ! I think I do have a severe emotional issue ! I buried it down but I may have an inferiority complex coupled with some other things. When I saw the exbf of my exbf yesterday, I secretly hoped he would see me and start to make me IOIs (PUA jargon ). It would have been a revenge to my exbf, while in fact I still love him. Gosh this is so complicated !!!! I think I do really need to run EPRHA to get me out of that sh*t ! What do you think about that guys ? It's scaring me, seriously !On a side not, starting Stage 6 this night, 32 days left until EPRHA !
Bye guys,
-Adri
