11-23-2010, 03:56 PM
11/23/10
I woke up with some negative self talk, but I realized I had control over that and stopped it. In the past I usually went along with it and played the victim mentality, not today. So I went through my first class, talked to a girl I'm friends with after. In the past I always worried what to talk about, but today I just chilled and observed the silence. She doesn't talk much and shes a little on the shy side, but so am I lol so it's a bit difficult. But I didn't beat myself up for having nothing to say because I was just enjoying the moment.
Here's where my day gets interesting though. I was on my way to my next class and I got there a little early, so I just sat down and relaxed outside. Lately I've been trying to be less in my head and more in the present moment. I don't know the reasoning behind it but I get a lot more girls checking me out.
Anyway I was just sitting there enjoying the moment when I notice this girl checking her phone a couple feet in front of me. So I'm all relaxed, but then she starts walking towards me and sits down next to me, not too far away and not too close. I could tell something was up. At this point my anxiety is spiking, bad. I finally understand what they mean by fight or flight response. I felt the need to get out of there, like she was some kind of saber tooth tiger, lol talk about irrational fears. But I stayed there, I accepted that anxiety and focused on my breathing. So the next thing this girl does is ask me what time it is, really cute sweet girl. I give her the time trying to remain as calm as possible, but then I realize something, she checked the time about 2 min ago and shes got her own phone lol. So I figured that was her way of starting a conversation. I go along with it, asking her if shes got a class to go to and she says she just got out and is waiting for her sister to pick her up. My mind is blanking out at this point, simple sentences are getting harder to register in my brain, but I keep at it. We start talking a little, nothing major just idle chit chat. I let her know my name and she gives me hers. I tell her I gotta get to class, but it was nice meeting her and maybe I'll see her around campus. She smiles, says goodbye. That last line came out pretty smooth lol I was very worried I wasn't gonna get it out right.
I think I went into shock after that lol. You know when something happens and you can't believe it just did? Like right now as I'm typing it feels so weird that I did that and it kind of feels like a dream lol. I definitely know I did it but at the same time I felt like someone else took over my body. I didn't expect any of that to happen today and maybe thats exactly why it did haha.
So it was a mixed bag of feelings while I was talking to her. Looking back I can say it was nice, but in the moment I felt like the anxiety greatly overpowered my feelings of enjoyment. Also despite her positive reaction I still thought I came across as weird and awkward, but I know thats only a negative pattern I've somehow instilled over the years. Probably from the anxiety messing up my perceptions and causing me to view life through a filter.
I woke up with some negative self talk, but I realized I had control over that and stopped it. In the past I usually went along with it and played the victim mentality, not today. So I went through my first class, talked to a girl I'm friends with after. In the past I always worried what to talk about, but today I just chilled and observed the silence. She doesn't talk much and shes a little on the shy side, but so am I lol so it's a bit difficult. But I didn't beat myself up for having nothing to say because I was just enjoying the moment.
Here's where my day gets interesting though. I was on my way to my next class and I got there a little early, so I just sat down and relaxed outside. Lately I've been trying to be less in my head and more in the present moment. I don't know the reasoning behind it but I get a lot more girls checking me out.
Anyway I was just sitting there enjoying the moment when I notice this girl checking her phone a couple feet in front of me. So I'm all relaxed, but then she starts walking towards me and sits down next to me, not too far away and not too close. I could tell something was up. At this point my anxiety is spiking, bad. I finally understand what they mean by fight or flight response. I felt the need to get out of there, like she was some kind of saber tooth tiger, lol talk about irrational fears. But I stayed there, I accepted that anxiety and focused on my breathing. So the next thing this girl does is ask me what time it is, really cute sweet girl. I give her the time trying to remain as calm as possible, but then I realize something, she checked the time about 2 min ago and shes got her own phone lol. So I figured that was her way of starting a conversation. I go along with it, asking her if shes got a class to go to and she says she just got out and is waiting for her sister to pick her up. My mind is blanking out at this point, simple sentences are getting harder to register in my brain, but I keep at it. We start talking a little, nothing major just idle chit chat. I let her know my name and she gives me hers. I tell her I gotta get to class, but it was nice meeting her and maybe I'll see her around campus. She smiles, says goodbye. That last line came out pretty smooth lol I was very worried I wasn't gonna get it out right.
I think I went into shock after that lol. You know when something happens and you can't believe it just did? Like right now as I'm typing it feels so weird that I did that and it kind of feels like a dream lol. I definitely know I did it but at the same time I felt like someone else took over my body. I didn't expect any of that to happen today and maybe thats exactly why it did haha.
So it was a mixed bag of feelings while I was talking to her. Looking back I can say it was nice, but in the moment I felt like the anxiety greatly overpowered my feelings of enjoyment. Also despite her positive reaction I still thought I came across as weird and awkward, but I know thats only a negative pattern I've somehow instilled over the years. Probably from the anxiety messing up my perceptions and causing me to view life through a filter.
