Jennie's Journal with Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

[jennielee]

Day 26: as i sit here this morning a choice i really hate lingers over my head. If i cant get this business up and running by the end of the month i will be forced to send my daughter to my ex husband and get a regular job. I really need help with this, but i have no one to ask given ive been left on my own. This wasn't the promise made. The promise was to help me get on my feet, not give me a crash course and hope for the best. I hate having my hands tied, i hate not being able to ask for help and advice. Im missing too much information. Ive tried and tried to fill in the blanks. Ive worked myself to the point i am sick. In the end of this all i am not even sure that what happened wasn't just the result of some experiment. If it was id hope that there could be another chance. At this point im not sure i even want to open myself to being vulnerable again. Im tired of being hurt.

All i want is a little help so that i dont have to lose my daughter too.. i guess i am asking too much.

I apologize for the emotional rant this morning. I am sick and in pain physically. I am trying not to get scared. I am trying to work without hurting myself. I dont see how this way is the best way. Yes i did the growing i needed, but i need help too before i fall flat on my face. I got the lesson i needed. But i also know that being too proud to ask for advice is bad too.

So anyway i hope you still love me enough to help me one more time, to help me keep my daughter. You dont matter, but she does. Id rather be in trouble for seeking help than to sit by watching things lead down the path to losing her. If you still love me, and you read this please help me one last time. Please keep the promise you made.

Well anyway today i have to go out and try again for some sales. Sick or not i have to push myself. I have to do what it takes right...

And yes finally for a change my goals are where they need to be. Providing for my daughter is above all else. If i dont get help ill just push and push to make it until i cant anymore.

I am so sick of doing things the hard way. Why cant i simply ask for the wisdom that will make this road easier?

Once again i apologize for the emotional rant. I really just feel so physically sick i should be calling an ambulance instead of going out to sell today. I guess getting things off my chest will help me get up and try again today. I cant afford not to, and i cant afford to lay in bed all day either.