about's alpha 5.0 journal

[Tiesto]

Tiesto, truth be told, she is most likely using this guy as a rebound. If she's already planning to marry him...then obviously she has a lot of issues dealing with loneliness. Did you break up with her, or her you? I remember during AM and when I did SM before, I had lost girlfriends. And the only reason it seems to be is because of my indifference and their need for attention and affection. And because of that I always found someone stronger later on. It could be manifestation....perhaps, your new changes are pushing out what is wrong for you in order to get what you truly want. Some girls can be so insecure they feel they cannot handle our type. They think either they are not good enough which could make us want to cheat, they feel that perhaps we are so indifferent because we are busy with about 1000 other women (and a lot of women cannot handle all the attention), or they need someone who clings to them 24/7. My ex had BDD and extreme self-esteem issues. After she left me she settled with (and is marrying) a good little boy who goes to church with her every weekend, does everything she wants him to do and will give her full attention 24/7. I can not and will not do that. She still talks to me from time to time, makes him jealous Truth be told, when we broke up I completely realized i needed someone stronger and more confident, she knew this...and I later discovered that with my current girl (who can handle me).

What you said makes a lot of sense Ryan, I had some issues with my ex, there were a few times where for example where we set up a date for just a both of us, and she cancels out in the last minute, because she couldn't say "NO" to her group of friends who wanted to hangout with her at the same time, this pisses me off big time, because when I set a date/arrangement, or making a promise, I do my best to fulfill that promise, but when other people cancels out, I feel like they don't respect me enough for them to stick to the plans we've made, I guess this irritation was amplified during AM, whenever I feel disrespected or felt manipulated, I got super annoyed..

We had some tension for a few times, where we didn't talk to each other, and suddenly she decided it was best for us to go our separate way, because she didn't think our relationship would get anywhere as she desires to settle down and get married.. She's 29 right now, 2 months younger than me, and people in my culture put a lot of pressures on girls (especially her friends and family) that girls need to get married before 30 years old...

At first I didn't mind we broke up, and if she chose to get married that's her choice, but when I found out merely couple of weeks later she got a new guy already, and wanted to marry him, I became negative and suspicious, I thought about she must have known this guy for a while to be comfortable and sure enough to decide to marry him, I thought about how I put a lot of trust on her and she was two-timing me the whole time, I felt like my trust has been betrayed.. With my previous exes before her I don't usually put too much trust, and when we broke up, it doesn't bother me too much, but with this last one, it seems like a different case..

All these negative thoughts are clouding my mind, and I can't think clearly or rationally..