Shannon's Journal

[mike]

I'll head back to Michigan soon enough, I'm sure.

It's been very difficult lately for me. I have been finding that I am lacking motivation, suffering bouts of feeling lost and hopeless which lead to depression, and feeling completely lost. I must now consider the proverbial pile of rubble I find myself sitting in, and try to make sense of this new change. Who am I? What do I like? Having been taking care of mom for so long, I had given up my own freedoms to do so. Now, for the first time probably ever, I am fully free to make my own choices without restriction in some ways. Family politics sure does have an unexpected impact.

My depression isn't terrible, though. It's enough that I don't enjoy it, certainly, but having suffered suicidal depression in the distant past, this is a walk in the park. I am trying to keep my chin up through staying busy cleaning, spending time with those of my friends who have not fallen away, and spending time doing the one thing I have left that brings me true joy, which is creating photographic art. Mainly, I spend my time cleaning. Mom was a bit of a collector, to put the situation in pleasant terms. Cleaning the house consists of 8-12 hour chunks of time spent throwing things away, shredding 20-year-old records and packing the car with boxes of books and bags of clothes to donate to whatever charity I have next on the list. I have two rooms mostly clean, one about 2/3rds finished and one about half way finished. I am not looking forward to the garage... but it will be nice to finally be able to unpack my bedroom and put things where they make sense.

I like my surroundings to be simple, organized, clean and fairly Spartan. I also like it to be quiet. That was exactly 180 degrees from how mom had everything, both for the surroundings and the noise level. Having the opportunity to spend time sitting alone in the quiet of the night is very healing for me. It's even better when it rains: I can actually hear the rain now, instead of having to compete with the television. Rainfall with TV commentary in the background loses all relaxation and theraputic value.

It's going to take me some time before I am able to return to being very productive with subliminals. Or, for that matter, being accurate with Tarot cards. Emotional trauma kills accuracy with most methods of prediction, you see. I feel unbalanced in the sense that a top must feel when it is wobbling about its final spins before it falls over. It is strange that all of a sudden, everyone seems to have a contradictory opinion, and yet none of them can see that their opinions are only opinions, and not hard facts. There's a sense of confusion about how to proceed with the major decisions, since my most reliable compass previously for such things was my Tarot cards, which now reflect the chaotic inner workings of my soul more than they act as a lens to transmit information. How ingenious this game is, where I am deprived of my "cheat sheet" and forced to make some of the biggest, most important decisions of my life at the same time. Saturn and Pluto, these are gods for a reason.

The 3rd Edition of my book Secrets of the Tarot is out now. 2:10 AM, on the 27th of August. I wanted to release it on my birthday, but that was sort of not a real option given the death and everything. There was so little left to do, and yet even that was a real struggle. I think I'd be doing much better on the one hand if I were not living alone now, and yet at the same time I think having someone else here would drive me crazy. Talk about your Catch 22.

And another brilliant example of the game Saturn plays with me. All my life I have had mom there to rely on, fall back on, and be friends with. All my life I feared her death, and wanted to have a long term relationship in place before she went so I would have a support system. But when the time came to make the decision, I chose to have self respect and refused to put up with the treatment I was offered by either of the women who would have filled that part of my life. So now here I am, all alone, and it hurts like hell, but I am no longer afraid of being alone. Or living by myself. Or being single. I am doing this on my own, because I know I can, and because I deserve better than what the past would offer me.

So single I shall be for a while. I am okay with that. Surely not in any position emotionally to be involved seriously at the present time. But not forever, I am sure. My friends are telling me that I should go play and have fun with the girls while I am still single. I guess that'll have to depend on my emotional state. No point in doing things to please the body that will damage the emotions.

I just realized, though, that I have not been using my own subliminal for dealing with grief. I'll have to start using that. Maybe that'll let me be productive faster, and kill some of this pain.

Shannon, I never knew you had visited Michigan in the past. I mentioned Traverse City because it might be the most beautiful city in Michigan and as a tourist/resort town, it'll be chock full of pretty women too. All in all, a pretty nice combination!

Shannon, I don't know a thing about Tarot cards but according to your own post, even they seem to be saying, "Take a break. This is going to take some time!" There just is no easy, nice way of losing someone as important to you as your Mom. Right now, you're wounded, very much wounded. You're probably handling it as well as you possibly can but even so, some wounds just require more in the way of healing. Clearly, you sense that already.

As far as having a relationship goes, you're very right when you said that you are in no place for that right now. You need to take care of yourself. A full, healthy, whole sense of self is what's needed in a relationship and you WILL get there! Just what I know of you from this forum and our emails leads me to believe that IN TIME, you're going to be stronger and healthier than ever. I believe that and if I had to bet on it, I'd bet good money that just about everyone on this forum ALSO believes that. But for now.....one day at a time....sometimes one hour and one minute at a time.

I think using your product to help you to heal in the grief process is a wonderful idea. You have some of the best products available and you deserve the best. I hope you start using them and keep on using them for as long as necessary.

Take GOOD Care of Shannon,
Mike