12-21-2012, 06:38 PM
Thanks Spiral!
So I've added in 2-3 hours of BIATBW a day...moments of seeing some really strong results, strong attraction, hovering, woman going out of there way to be near me..
with that but I'm so indifferent, although not in the crazy awesome 'take it or leave it way'...more in the kind of awesome-'I'm gonna leave it' way-I call it the hide response-and it comes when I feel there are more important things going on in my life to sort out, so even though there is a chemistry-I'm just not available to engaging with it...
In fact right now I feel very little interest in engaging with anything ...I'm exhausted fairly often except after 11:00 at night, where I'll either go out and have a crazy night-or stay up all night reading, writing, and working on content for my eventual online business or learning in some capacity that would be seen as absolutely unpractical by conventional standards.
I'm at the point where I absolutely have to get a steady income again but not sure which field to go into until a get my trainers license.
I've had a few dabbles with woman but have this new attitude of absolutely not wanting to budge an inch outside of who I am to relate to someone or get them to like me. I've always been, at my worst and my best (place of abundance, love, and power), really good at relating to people in a way that caters to their ego's, partly for us to relate, partly because I like making people feel great, and to be honest partly because I would always get more flies with honey...so to speak. But now I find myself demanding a certain level of authenticity and depth in relating now that is perhaps unrealistic..and often leaving me disappointed.
The sub has made me feel high or exhausted almost all day long for the last 41 days...I've had nightmares like crazy at times, anxiety, and these days have the sense that life is very surreal..its been like a test of endurance in nothingness and the prize is, insight, felt self knowledge, more fearlessness and willingness, and larger sense of freedom.
My resistance manifests largely as a sense of complete bleak emptiness and apathy, that leads to anger at everything for no reason, but really anger at my own limits-revealed to be self imposed, but when the resistance fades its incredible. I also am noticing my own arising emotions, and insecurities much more often, but I feel I am assigning them less and less reality.
This sub is making me see things I would have instantly suppressed before cause it was to upsetting/crazy to deal with but having this stuff in the light is of benefit now...showing me the awareness level I have been coming from that has determined everything that has shown up in my life. This is allowing my awareness to change...and the fundamental focus and energy on anything less than limitless possibility towards receiving and living out my ideal life and heart's desires is painfully falling away. Its been largely an introspective and internal process but is moving its way into strong action now. I feel like I have been in space and I'm landing again lol
So I've added in 2-3 hours of BIATBW a day...moments of seeing some really strong results, strong attraction, hovering, woman going out of there way to be near me..
with that but I'm so indifferent, although not in the crazy awesome 'take it or leave it way'...more in the kind of awesome-'I'm gonna leave it' way-I call it the hide response-and it comes when I feel there are more important things going on in my life to sort out, so even though there is a chemistry-I'm just not available to engaging with it...
In fact right now I feel very little interest in engaging with anything ...I'm exhausted fairly often except after 11:00 at night, where I'll either go out and have a crazy night-or stay up all night reading, writing, and working on content for my eventual online business or learning in some capacity that would be seen as absolutely unpractical by conventional standards.
I'm at the point where I absolutely have to get a steady income again but not sure which field to go into until a get my trainers license.
I've had a few dabbles with woman but have this new attitude of absolutely not wanting to budge an inch outside of who I am to relate to someone or get them to like me. I've always been, at my worst and my best (place of abundance, love, and power), really good at relating to people in a way that caters to their ego's, partly for us to relate, partly because I like making people feel great, and to be honest partly because I would always get more flies with honey...so to speak. But now I find myself demanding a certain level of authenticity and depth in relating now that is perhaps unrealistic..and often leaving me disappointed.
The sub has made me feel high or exhausted almost all day long for the last 41 days...I've had nightmares like crazy at times, anxiety, and these days have the sense that life is very surreal..its been like a test of endurance in nothingness and the prize is, insight, felt self knowledge, more fearlessness and willingness, and larger sense of freedom.
My resistance manifests largely as a sense of complete bleak emptiness and apathy, that leads to anger at everything for no reason, but really anger at my own limits-revealed to be self imposed, but when the resistance fades its incredible. I also am noticing my own arising emotions, and insecurities much more often, but I feel I am assigning them less and less reality.
This sub is making me see things I would have instantly suppressed before cause it was to upsetting/crazy to deal with but having this stuff in the light is of benefit now...showing me the awareness level I have been coming from that has determined everything that has shown up in my life. This is allowing my awareness to change...and the fundamental focus and energy on anything less than limitless possibility towards receiving and living out my ideal life and heart's desires is painfully falling away. Its been largely an introspective and internal process but is moving its way into strong action now. I feel like I have been in space and I'm landing again lol
1. There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
2. A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions... Success and failure are for him answers above all.
3. I would not know what the spirit of a philosopher might wish more then to be than a good dancer.-F.N.
2. A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions... Success and failure are for him answers above all.
3. I would not know what the spirit of a philosopher might wish more then to be than a good dancer.-F.N.
