09-23-2012, 08:35 AM
Thanks Shannon! Now that this is here, I can explain things a little more openly when it comes to things of a more adult nature... LOL. I should've put it here in the first place, but somehow felt weird about putting a journal about a program that's not gender-specific, in a gender-specific area. Why don't we have a shared adults-only anyways for programs that aren't gender-specific, but could impact things that are definitely adults-oriented?
Anyways...
So the final product I previously chose not to reveal was the breast enlargement one. And the secret I'd kept even from myself was that I'm transsexual. I was born with XY in my genetic code but my brain is wired as a female. For most of my life from the time I first realized there was a difference between "male" and "female", which I want to say was probably around 5-8 years old, I managed to bury my true self deep in my subconscious and hide her even from myself.
What triggered this? I'm not completely positive what the initial trigger was, but for whatever reason, I had the urge to look up anatomy in our family's huge medical encyclopedia anthology at the time. When I realized that there was a difference between male and female and my physical anatomy said I was male and everyone around me seemed to insist I was male, I did the only thing I felt I could at the time: I ran and hid.
In my place I left behind a zombie. For all intents and purposes, that's what my male mask was. He had no emotions other than fear and anger and resentment, mostly of himself, and he never knew why. He was also constantly depressed, though he THOUGHT he was only cyclically depressed. The truth was that the depression never went anywhere, it merely became more intense on a monthly basis and came to epic proportions every few years.
To the outside world it had appeared that a complete ham of a boy had suddenly turned into a complete introvert. His parents blamed all sorts of things for this, without ever suspecting the truth that would likely have destroyed them if it had come out then, and is rocking their world a new one even today.
About two years ago I had my absolute worst depression ever. I was practically comatose. At the time I was living away from home in an apartment full of testosterone sharing my bedroom with a man. This would be problematic for me anyways, I think, but to make matters even worse, all these men were trying to make a man of me. It was all just too much for me to handle and my body screamed enough! and shut itself down.
Once I had recovered from this latest episode, I vowed to myself to find out what the cause of my constant battle with these depressions was and to cure myself once and for all.
I began taking chaste berry, which has a mild opiate, and doing a deep soul search. In the mean time, I was also working a hard manual labor job, doing grounds at an area apartment complex. I also began noticing that I was already beginning to have male pattern baldness start to develop at merely 25 years old. So I started taking saw palmetto. My diet at this time was very heavy into asian type foods, so, lots of soy... Besides being a mild opiate, chaste berry is also an adaptogen that works on the pituitary gland and increases prolactin, has a progestogenic effect, and can either decrease testosterone or estrogen depending on dose and other body conditions.... So... in grand culmination of effects, my body started to feminize during this soul search.
And I loved it.
I ended up using soy supplements in addition to my dietary intake in an effort to further the effects, but it didn't.
By early autumn last year, the soul searching finally reached culmination. And it was breaking point time. I knew who I really was. I also knew what coming out trans was going to do to my life. I could have, at this point, chosen to run and hide once again, and most likely, I'd've proceeded to go comatose again and withered away. I'd not be here to type this now if I'd made that choice.
So on to why I think this program may be beneficial. Testosterone did a special number on me during my years in hiding. As already mentioned, I started male-pattern at 25. It accelerated quickly. I was lucky in catching it and reversing it when I did. In addition, I am extremely hirsute. Even compared to most males my body is like a fur coat.
With a special supplement program designed by yours truly, I am beginning to finally truly feminize. My hairline has advanced to a more feminine position, but it's all fine baby hairs, my body hair has diminished greatly both in speed of regrowth and density, though it still covers my entire body, and my body shape... yeah. Nice ass, hips, and boobs are starting to appear. If barely.
However. I still hate my body. I hate my body hair. I hate my beard. I hate my obvious male pattern that you can only see is recovering from super close - as in, my hairstylist knows. I know. Nobody else does.
This is part of why I tried adding the ESE even though I KNEW I shouldn't have mixed ASC.5g with anything else. I believe the underlying problem with my self-confidence is rock-bottom self-esteem. Stemming from physical problems as it is, it's worse in-person than online. Online nobody knows what I look like. All they have to go on is how I interact with people. And as one girl recently told me, "You were always obviously a girl". Even in hiding, my social behaviors when not being stunted, were more feminine than masculine.
So yeah... I have a diminished self-confidence... especially in-person... due entirely to my body image. It has always been about my body image...
So, now that I've successfully alienated absolutely everyone who might be reading this journal... I guess we'll see if ASC can help at least stem the tide. I doubt it can do a major overhaul, period. That would require a lot more work and need to be a lot more targetted. I don't care if these programs DO work, there's no way something like ASC can fix the underlying causes to my diminished self-confidence. It's treating a symptom, not the source. ESE would get closer to the source, but it's still a symptom... The only cure would be getting to the source, and that'll take time and, when it comes to the hirsutism, lots lots more money.
Anyways...
So the final product I previously chose not to reveal was the breast enlargement one. And the secret I'd kept even from myself was that I'm transsexual. I was born with XY in my genetic code but my brain is wired as a female. For most of my life from the time I first realized there was a difference between "male" and "female", which I want to say was probably around 5-8 years old, I managed to bury my true self deep in my subconscious and hide her even from myself.
What triggered this? I'm not completely positive what the initial trigger was, but for whatever reason, I had the urge to look up anatomy in our family's huge medical encyclopedia anthology at the time. When I realized that there was a difference between male and female and my physical anatomy said I was male and everyone around me seemed to insist I was male, I did the only thing I felt I could at the time: I ran and hid.
In my place I left behind a zombie. For all intents and purposes, that's what my male mask was. He had no emotions other than fear and anger and resentment, mostly of himself, and he never knew why. He was also constantly depressed, though he THOUGHT he was only cyclically depressed. The truth was that the depression never went anywhere, it merely became more intense on a monthly basis and came to epic proportions every few years.
To the outside world it had appeared that a complete ham of a boy had suddenly turned into a complete introvert. His parents blamed all sorts of things for this, without ever suspecting the truth that would likely have destroyed them if it had come out then, and is rocking their world a new one even today.
About two years ago I had my absolute worst depression ever. I was practically comatose. At the time I was living away from home in an apartment full of testosterone sharing my bedroom with a man. This would be problematic for me anyways, I think, but to make matters even worse, all these men were trying to make a man of me. It was all just too much for me to handle and my body screamed enough! and shut itself down.
Once I had recovered from this latest episode, I vowed to myself to find out what the cause of my constant battle with these depressions was and to cure myself once and for all.
I began taking chaste berry, which has a mild opiate, and doing a deep soul search. In the mean time, I was also working a hard manual labor job, doing grounds at an area apartment complex. I also began noticing that I was already beginning to have male pattern baldness start to develop at merely 25 years old. So I started taking saw palmetto. My diet at this time was very heavy into asian type foods, so, lots of soy... Besides being a mild opiate, chaste berry is also an adaptogen that works on the pituitary gland and increases prolactin, has a progestogenic effect, and can either decrease testosterone or estrogen depending on dose and other body conditions.... So... in grand culmination of effects, my body started to feminize during this soul search.
And I loved it.
I ended up using soy supplements in addition to my dietary intake in an effort to further the effects, but it didn't.
By early autumn last year, the soul searching finally reached culmination. And it was breaking point time. I knew who I really was. I also knew what coming out trans was going to do to my life. I could have, at this point, chosen to run and hide once again, and most likely, I'd've proceeded to go comatose again and withered away. I'd not be here to type this now if I'd made that choice.
So on to why I think this program may be beneficial. Testosterone did a special number on me during my years in hiding. As already mentioned, I started male-pattern at 25. It accelerated quickly. I was lucky in catching it and reversing it when I did. In addition, I am extremely hirsute. Even compared to most males my body is like a fur coat.
With a special supplement program designed by yours truly, I am beginning to finally truly feminize. My hairline has advanced to a more feminine position, but it's all fine baby hairs, my body hair has diminished greatly both in speed of regrowth and density, though it still covers my entire body, and my body shape... yeah. Nice ass, hips, and boobs are starting to appear. If barely.
However. I still hate my body. I hate my body hair. I hate my beard. I hate my obvious male pattern that you can only see is recovering from super close - as in, my hairstylist knows. I know. Nobody else does.
This is part of why I tried adding the ESE even though I KNEW I shouldn't have mixed ASC.5g with anything else. I believe the underlying problem with my self-confidence is rock-bottom self-esteem. Stemming from physical problems as it is, it's worse in-person than online. Online nobody knows what I look like. All they have to go on is how I interact with people. And as one girl recently told me, "You were always obviously a girl". Even in hiding, my social behaviors when not being stunted, were more feminine than masculine.
So yeah... I have a diminished self-confidence... especially in-person... due entirely to my body image. It has always been about my body image...
So, now that I've successfully alienated absolutely everyone who might be reading this journal... I guess we'll see if ASC can help at least stem the tide. I doubt it can do a major overhaul, period. That would require a lot more work and need to be a lot more targetted. I don't care if these programs DO work, there's no way something like ASC can fix the underlying causes to my diminished self-confidence. It's treating a symptom, not the source. ESE would get closer to the source, but it's still a symptom... The only cure would be getting to the source, and that'll take time and, when it comes to the hirsutism, lots lots more money.
