Yesterday, 04:16 AM
Tonight was up and down. The first thing that stands out is that before going out, and going to something a bit out of my comfort zone, like not my usual place, I had to goto the toilet before going out. To explain that it reminded me of in the past when I would go out to places by myself like clubs or whatever to talk to girls, and I had this response of feeling like I needed to goto the toilet and would but nothing would come out.
Compare this to recent times where I would just feel 'numb' or 'blocked' and just feel like "I don't want to goto this place" it was like the numbness 'thawed out' and below that was awarenss of what's below it, like thoughts of "I'm just going to stand there and look like an idiot" and I was feeling a bit anxious. But I still wanted to go, and it actually felt better having those feelings and being able to breathe and be with it as opposed to feeling numb and blocked which I can't seem to do anything with.
I was focusing on breathing while driving and feeling it. And I got to the art thing and I did feel awkward and weird and was fairly quiet. There was a girl who has served me in a shop I goto a bit who I felt had some interest, but the way I was feeling I couldn't even talk to her. She walked past and gave the submissive look down, but I was just feeling too awkward, quiet and weird.
My friend come and we went to a shop for him to get food then went back to the art thing. There was a brief minute or two when a group of older women were standing there and all said hi to me, two were the artists and I joked around a bit. But generally I was awkward and quiet.
A female friend who come with my other friend was there, I don't see her much and we aren't close, but she has a german backpacker staying there and my friend introduced me. She was sexy and I talked to her a few times but it felt weird and awkward too.
The female friend invited us to play cards before dinner, we got there and the german girl didn't come and play and in my head it was because I had weirded her out cos I was feeling awkward, when really it could be many things that have nothing to do with me. I'm becoming a bit more aware of how little things happen and I assign them meanings of how i've done something to upset someone, and creating meanings past what I should. Insecurities from the past, obviously coming from abandonment stuff.
Then went to dinner, me and 3 other guy friends. I started off kind of quiet and feeling weird, even at one point getting really tired. But over time it passed, and now it's 11:10pm and I have all this energy, not tired at all, I started feeling much more comfortable and talkative and even when I went to pay for my food talked to the cute girl who was serving us, whereas before that I just didn't when she come to the table.
I usually am in bed between 9 and 10pm, sometimes a bit later on weekends so it's strange for my energy to suddenly just come up like this. I even felt the need to get on the computer and type this while it's fresh.
On a whole I enjoyed the night. Yes I did goto the art thing and was awkward and quiet at that, but it's okay, I survived, nothing crazy happened and it was much better that I went than staying home. Then things opened up and it was a good night.
The thing that stands out is being resensitized I guess to whatever has been under this numbness where I feel like I don't want to do stuff or go places when really it's fear under it, being more aware of what's under it and feeling it where I wasn't before, and instead of running away I still wanted to go out. This shows that OGSF is working on it.
I look forward to when it gets past this awkward stage where it seems to be digging it all up and i'm socially comfortable and confident like I know I can be and have been.
Compare this to recent times where I would just feel 'numb' or 'blocked' and just feel like "I don't want to goto this place" it was like the numbness 'thawed out' and below that was awarenss of what's below it, like thoughts of "I'm just going to stand there and look like an idiot" and I was feeling a bit anxious. But I still wanted to go, and it actually felt better having those feelings and being able to breathe and be with it as opposed to feeling numb and blocked which I can't seem to do anything with.
I was focusing on breathing while driving and feeling it. And I got to the art thing and I did feel awkward and weird and was fairly quiet. There was a girl who has served me in a shop I goto a bit who I felt had some interest, but the way I was feeling I couldn't even talk to her. She walked past and gave the submissive look down, but I was just feeling too awkward, quiet and weird.
My friend come and we went to a shop for him to get food then went back to the art thing. There was a brief minute or two when a group of older women were standing there and all said hi to me, two were the artists and I joked around a bit. But generally I was awkward and quiet.
A female friend who come with my other friend was there, I don't see her much and we aren't close, but she has a german backpacker staying there and my friend introduced me. She was sexy and I talked to her a few times but it felt weird and awkward too.
The female friend invited us to play cards before dinner, we got there and the german girl didn't come and play and in my head it was because I had weirded her out cos I was feeling awkward, when really it could be many things that have nothing to do with me. I'm becoming a bit more aware of how little things happen and I assign them meanings of how i've done something to upset someone, and creating meanings past what I should. Insecurities from the past, obviously coming from abandonment stuff.
Then went to dinner, me and 3 other guy friends. I started off kind of quiet and feeling weird, even at one point getting really tired. But over time it passed, and now it's 11:10pm and I have all this energy, not tired at all, I started feeling much more comfortable and talkative and even when I went to pay for my food talked to the cute girl who was serving us, whereas before that I just didn't when she come to the table.
I usually am in bed between 9 and 10pm, sometimes a bit later on weekends so it's strange for my energy to suddenly just come up like this. I even felt the need to get on the computer and type this while it's fresh.
On a whole I enjoyed the night. Yes I did goto the art thing and was awkward and quiet at that, but it's okay, I survived, nothing crazy happened and it was much better that I went than staying home. Then things opened up and it was a good night.
The thing that stands out is being resensitized I guess to whatever has been under this numbness where I feel like I don't want to do stuff or go places when really it's fear under it, being more aware of what's under it and feeling it where I wasn't before, and instead of running away I still wanted to go out. This shows that OGSF is working on it.
I look forward to when it gets past this awkward stage where it seems to be digging it all up and i'm socially comfortable and confident like I know I can be and have been.
