Yesterday, 01:36 AM
Tonight is my first night off, i'm not really looking forward to it. I have this feeling that I need and want more input, but I wonder if that's old force of habit from listening to previous programs for many more hours and still feeilng strange that it's only 10 minutes of listening. Anyway i'm sticking to the instructions.
Yesterday for about half the day and some of the day today some feeling depressed and some upheaval. But it's passed now, for today.
Yesterday and today the urge to look at porn has been coming up. It's more subdued and it's on and off. I'll be thinking about it and wanting to do so, then forget about it for a while, maybe breathe a bit then it'll come back, but it's not overwhelming. It wasn't triggered by anything externally and i've also been thinking about girls from the past last night and today, so something is being worked on.
Today especially i've been having this feeling that I just want to do something else, spend my time in some other way that is more constructive, but not really knowing what that would be. Also interest in finding other things to join. The bs being brought into toastmasters that i've mentioned in the last few meetings are part of it, on PM I just wanted to push back against it and felt more enthused to do so, on OGSF I just want to move away from it and feel like it's not worth the bullshit and trouble as it won't achieve much. I do prefer to push back against nonsense but it's feeling like that's more for the future with Masculinity programs and similar and not as much while on OGSF, like it's telling me it's not good for my healing.
I've kept saying that I will keep doing toastmasters as there is nothing else, but since starting OGSF i'm actually seriously thinking about quitting. But then I won't have much social other than when I see friends maybe every few weekends as I haven't found any other clubs or activities that I want to do.
Yesterday for about half the day and some of the day today some feeling depressed and some upheaval. But it's passed now, for today.
Yesterday and today the urge to look at porn has been coming up. It's more subdued and it's on and off. I'll be thinking about it and wanting to do so, then forget about it for a while, maybe breathe a bit then it'll come back, but it's not overwhelming. It wasn't triggered by anything externally and i've also been thinking about girls from the past last night and today, so something is being worked on.
Today especially i've been having this feeling that I just want to do something else, spend my time in some other way that is more constructive, but not really knowing what that would be. Also interest in finding other things to join. The bs being brought into toastmasters that i've mentioned in the last few meetings are part of it, on PM I just wanted to push back against it and felt more enthused to do so, on OGSF I just want to move away from it and feel like it's not worth the bullshit and trouble as it won't achieve much. I do prefer to push back against nonsense but it's feeling like that's more for the future with Masculinity programs and similar and not as much while on OGSF, like it's telling me it's not good for my healing.
I've kept saying that I will keep doing toastmasters as there is nothing else, but since starting OGSF i'm actually seriously thinking about quitting. But then I won't have much social other than when I see friends maybe every few weekends as I haven't found any other clubs or activities that I want to do.
