This morning I had the urge to go out somewhere being saturday, but then I felt a bit down as "where can I go". And the places I thought of my thoughts were "well it'll be like all the other times, i'll go there, not enjoy myself, all this fear will come up and I won't enjoy it then i'll come home frustrated".
I put a loop of PM on and by the end of it I thought "just do it" and ended up just going out.
Initially I was really anxious, so much so I nearly didn't get out of my car and drove back home. I sat and breathed for a bit and just got out and went into a shop. I felt much better after and okay again.
It seems the intimidating vibe increased today. I wasn't feeling it myself really, other than at some stage when walking around I felt a subtle opening up and like my posture went upright, but had weird things happening again. It's strange that earlier on my vibe was more that i'd get good reactions and friendliness now it's become intimidating to some.
In one shop there was a young guy who was at the door as the greeter. He was kind of a big but maybe late teens or early 20s. When I left he seemed really intimidated, I said "seeya man" and he just quietly replied like he was really scared or something.
But then in the supermarket the young guy that served me was cool and friendly. I guess more secure in himself.
Then after another shop I was sitting in my car waiting to pull out, and this dude drove past and was just glaring at me like he was really pissed off with nothing to warrant it. But then at the lights he was making an obvious attempt to let me go first as he didn't pull out straight away and only did slowly when he started to.
The strangest one, the last shop I went to when I was walking up to the entrance a cute girl come past and smiled at me. I just smiled and nodded, sometimes it takes me by surprise, but I thought "ok i'm going to talk to her". I then went in and planned to come across her, and thinking about it I reakon she tried to do the same thing. She was looking at something on a shelf but then come across me at a kind of intersection in the shelves, and she smiled again.
I said "This would be a good place for a food fight" (it has lots of fresh fruit and stuff) and I don't know what she said, but she had a weird reaction, and I was like "if one starts will you help me or run away".. well just when I was trying to say that she seemed to kind of freak out and was quickly walking away, and even answered when she had walked a bit away "i'd probably throw a few" and quickly kept walking like she was freaked out. Fucking weird, especially after smiling at me TWICE, initially it had the same vibe as the woman I mentioned last weekend in a shop who smiled at me, then we crossed paths again and she did again and talked to her for a while.
I don't know what the fuck was up here, but it possibly shows my vibe was intimidating, still she did smile at me twice.
What i'm thinking is my fear that's stopping me from really being comfortable with this vibe, initiating things and such combined with this new vibe that is also not what i'm used to may be making me come across strange and incongruent. I remember Shannon saying something similar about AM in the past and getting weird reactions.
Tonight is my last night of listening to PM. I partly will miss this masculine vibe and subtle feeling from it and would love it to build, but from what i've seen it's building a little bit for me but never really breaking through, so it's kind of there but not it's full expression, or this sabotage thing comes up and lessens it.
So both OGSF and 6g should be useful to get through more of this, whatever it is.
It's tempting to just jump to OGSF v3 straight away, cos i'm fucking sick of all of this shit holding me back and not being able to get through it, even with coaching with different methods, putting hours into applying those methods myself and such. 6g seems promising, even for some people who are struggling even more than me. So lets hope.
I put a loop of PM on and by the end of it I thought "just do it" and ended up just going out.
Initially I was really anxious, so much so I nearly didn't get out of my car and drove back home. I sat and breathed for a bit and just got out and went into a shop. I felt much better after and okay again.
It seems the intimidating vibe increased today. I wasn't feeling it myself really, other than at some stage when walking around I felt a subtle opening up and like my posture went upright, but had weird things happening again. It's strange that earlier on my vibe was more that i'd get good reactions and friendliness now it's become intimidating to some.
In one shop there was a young guy who was at the door as the greeter. He was kind of a big but maybe late teens or early 20s. When I left he seemed really intimidated, I said "seeya man" and he just quietly replied like he was really scared or something.
But then in the supermarket the young guy that served me was cool and friendly. I guess more secure in himself.
Then after another shop I was sitting in my car waiting to pull out, and this dude drove past and was just glaring at me like he was really pissed off with nothing to warrant it. But then at the lights he was making an obvious attempt to let me go first as he didn't pull out straight away and only did slowly when he started to.
The strangest one, the last shop I went to when I was walking up to the entrance a cute girl come past and smiled at me. I just smiled and nodded, sometimes it takes me by surprise, but I thought "ok i'm going to talk to her". I then went in and planned to come across her, and thinking about it I reakon she tried to do the same thing. She was looking at something on a shelf but then come across me at a kind of intersection in the shelves, and she smiled again.
I said "This would be a good place for a food fight" (it has lots of fresh fruit and stuff) and I don't know what she said, but she had a weird reaction, and I was like "if one starts will you help me or run away".. well just when I was trying to say that she seemed to kind of freak out and was quickly walking away, and even answered when she had walked a bit away "i'd probably throw a few" and quickly kept walking like she was freaked out. Fucking weird, especially after smiling at me TWICE, initially it had the same vibe as the woman I mentioned last weekend in a shop who smiled at me, then we crossed paths again and she did again and talked to her for a while.
I don't know what the fuck was up here, but it possibly shows my vibe was intimidating, still she did smile at me twice.
What i'm thinking is my fear that's stopping me from really being comfortable with this vibe, initiating things and such combined with this new vibe that is also not what i'm used to may be making me come across strange and incongruent. I remember Shannon saying something similar about AM in the past and getting weird reactions.
Tonight is my last night of listening to PM. I partly will miss this masculine vibe and subtle feeling from it and would love it to build, but from what i've seen it's building a little bit for me but never really breaking through, so it's kind of there but not it's full expression, or this sabotage thing comes up and lessens it.
So both OGSF and 6g should be useful to get through more of this, whatever it is.
It's tempting to just jump to OGSF v3 straight away, cos i'm fucking sick of all of this shit holding me back and not being able to get through it, even with coaching with different methods, putting hours into applying those methods myself and such. 6g seems promising, even for some people who are struggling even more than me. So lets hope.
