For about the last 1 1/2 months i've been playing Kingdom Come Deliverance 2, probably playing games more than in ages. I just finished it yesterday, then I felt depressed like "what do I do now".
I did 10 loops again last night, something felt different this morning. I woke up motivated and feeling like doing stuff. I went down the street to the fruit shop, I felt slightly awkward but seemed to also be projecting a vibe from PM. I was having weird stuff happen, when driving there a car in front of me was going really slow like he was purposely being a dickhead, then he put his arm on the passenger seat like he was relaxing to prove he was doing it on purpose. Yet I didn't do anything to warrant it.
Then walking past the post office a couple were walking and the guy was dodgy looking. He seen me and turned around to her and started talking to her and I got a vibe that it was something about me, I can't say why but I just got that feeling.
Not too much else. I feel that since maybe a month ago i'm not really projecting the vibe from PM like I was, since I tried to work on my resistance with another method and it messed something up. But also something i've noticed with me on other programs, that i'll have something happening when I first start it or early on and then this 'sabotage' will come up and sometimes it will come back and build up (the good thing I was noticing) but sometimes it won't really come back the same as at the start at all.
Obviously this is pretty specific to me as I have some deep stuff going on where others aren't necessarily having this happen. I hope that 6g gets past this for me and is more consistent.
Some things seem to maybe be happening differently from PM in the last week or two since working with a statement from my higher self, but it's confusing. Like for my whole time so far on PM I was doing a certain combination of workouts and I was thinking about how good it is that i've committed to it for longer where before I was jumping around, and I was wanting to commit to it in the long term, then I guess some sabotage come up around that. Then I had the last week off when I shouldn't have as it was only 3 weeks into my workouts.
But then this week I really wasn't feeling like keeping one of the things I do one day of my workout, and instead changing it to an extra day of calisthenics. I was going inbetween "is it because it's hard that i'm trying to run away from it" but also partly feeling i'm suddenly being guided to drop that part of the workout, because I also then had an urge to add something brief in the morning that wouldn't add much more fatigue to my body as it's short and would leave time for recovery but over time would add up to an increased positive workload.
That's why i'm confused, like is it some kind of resistance? Or is it legitimately now i'm being lead to alter the workout slightly and it's legit? I don't know.
I have a little bit of an urge to extend PM for longer wondering what it 'might' do. But it's not looking to me that it necessarily will.
My thoughts at the end after 3 months is that in the area of working out i've noticably improved my physique and am more muscular, and also had inspirations on how to improve my martial arts training. But in other areas i'm worse, like i've been playing games more, my friendship group and social life has gone downhill. It's likely my level of resistance and baggage leading to that and it all being stirred up.
I'm saying this now when i'm not in strong resistance and am not having a strong response that I need to stop PM, that it's best for me now to try 6g. Reports on OGSF v3 are good, I hope to report similar and even better things myself!
Oh I had something else I realized, or come up with a theory about. If i'm stuck in chronic stress/fight and flight to a certain level, which feels normal if it's been long term, though it's MUCH better than a few years ago.. then what seems to be happening is I get a bit of stress, frustration, fear or whatever.. and it's like the bucket is already full of stress then the other little bit tips it over and I want to goto my coping mechanisms, like porn. I realized that when it happened yesterday, I managed to relax and not do so but then realized this.
I still do feel it's also connected to stuff around girls, like guilt, shame, fear and such.. but also is likely working in a general sense aswell due to being in chronic stress that i'm not necessarily aware of. I know there's other contributing issues to low energy and my body sometimes seeming to shut down a bit, but it makes alot of sense that this could be a notable contributor to it too.
EDIT: And something Frosted said about he may not use AM7 yet reminded me. I definately have some level of trauma, guilt, shame, fear around my masculinity which could partly explain the on and off stuff during PM. Working out and martial arts are 'safe' for me to a certain point though I still have limitations I want to break through in those areas.. but the main trauma and fear is the 'out in the world' aspect.
AM7 is a definite for me, but likely not for a while. I really need to deal with money (UMS) after OGSF instead of using another masculinity program hoping that indirectly it will help give me the drive to work on stuff around money.. and instead use UMS directly.
I did 10 loops again last night, something felt different this morning. I woke up motivated and feeling like doing stuff. I went down the street to the fruit shop, I felt slightly awkward but seemed to also be projecting a vibe from PM. I was having weird stuff happen, when driving there a car in front of me was going really slow like he was purposely being a dickhead, then he put his arm on the passenger seat like he was relaxing to prove he was doing it on purpose. Yet I didn't do anything to warrant it.
Then walking past the post office a couple were walking and the guy was dodgy looking. He seen me and turned around to her and started talking to her and I got a vibe that it was something about me, I can't say why but I just got that feeling.
Not too much else. I feel that since maybe a month ago i'm not really projecting the vibe from PM like I was, since I tried to work on my resistance with another method and it messed something up. But also something i've noticed with me on other programs, that i'll have something happening when I first start it or early on and then this 'sabotage' will come up and sometimes it will come back and build up (the good thing I was noticing) but sometimes it won't really come back the same as at the start at all.
Obviously this is pretty specific to me as I have some deep stuff going on where others aren't necessarily having this happen. I hope that 6g gets past this for me and is more consistent.
Some things seem to maybe be happening differently from PM in the last week or two since working with a statement from my higher self, but it's confusing. Like for my whole time so far on PM I was doing a certain combination of workouts and I was thinking about how good it is that i've committed to it for longer where before I was jumping around, and I was wanting to commit to it in the long term, then I guess some sabotage come up around that. Then I had the last week off when I shouldn't have as it was only 3 weeks into my workouts.
But then this week I really wasn't feeling like keeping one of the things I do one day of my workout, and instead changing it to an extra day of calisthenics. I was going inbetween "is it because it's hard that i'm trying to run away from it" but also partly feeling i'm suddenly being guided to drop that part of the workout, because I also then had an urge to add something brief in the morning that wouldn't add much more fatigue to my body as it's short and would leave time for recovery but over time would add up to an increased positive workload.
That's why i'm confused, like is it some kind of resistance? Or is it legitimately now i'm being lead to alter the workout slightly and it's legit? I don't know.
I have a little bit of an urge to extend PM for longer wondering what it 'might' do. But it's not looking to me that it necessarily will.
My thoughts at the end after 3 months is that in the area of working out i've noticably improved my physique and am more muscular, and also had inspirations on how to improve my martial arts training. But in other areas i'm worse, like i've been playing games more, my friendship group and social life has gone downhill. It's likely my level of resistance and baggage leading to that and it all being stirred up.
I'm saying this now when i'm not in strong resistance and am not having a strong response that I need to stop PM, that it's best for me now to try 6g. Reports on OGSF v3 are good, I hope to report similar and even better things myself!
Oh I had something else I realized, or come up with a theory about. If i'm stuck in chronic stress/fight and flight to a certain level, which feels normal if it's been long term, though it's MUCH better than a few years ago.. then what seems to be happening is I get a bit of stress, frustration, fear or whatever.. and it's like the bucket is already full of stress then the other little bit tips it over and I want to goto my coping mechanisms, like porn. I realized that when it happened yesterday, I managed to relax and not do so but then realized this.
I still do feel it's also connected to stuff around girls, like guilt, shame, fear and such.. but also is likely working in a general sense aswell due to being in chronic stress that i'm not necessarily aware of. I know there's other contributing issues to low energy and my body sometimes seeming to shut down a bit, but it makes alot of sense that this could be a notable contributor to it too.
EDIT: And something Frosted said about he may not use AM7 yet reminded me. I definately have some level of trauma, guilt, shame, fear around my masculinity which could partly explain the on and off stuff during PM. Working out and martial arts are 'safe' for me to a certain point though I still have limitations I want to break through in those areas.. but the main trauma and fear is the 'out in the world' aspect.
AM7 is a definite for me, but likely not for a while. I really need to deal with money (UMS) after OGSF instead of using another masculinity program hoping that indirectly it will help give me the drive to work on stuff around money.. and instead use UMS directly.
