Interesting.
I've mentioned that I did a course working with the higher self before using PM. I thought I could use it without conflict as it's more specifically targeted, and I did so maybe 2 or 3 times and it helped PM work better, but then the last time I used it.. it derailed PM quite a bit and I don't know why.
But with 2 weeks left in my planned listening time I thought why not just take one part of it. Not the part of getting rid of beliefs, but a part on allowing my systems to accept the goals of PM.
I did that last night and today I come out of the fog, it shows how much strong resistance I was having. I didn't even want to go down the street to pick up a parcel from the post office, had no motivation for anything in the last week or so. And also I had basically reached a point where I had 'given up' on PM and was just listening to get to the planned time, wheras today I feel more able to keep listening and more okay about continuing. Though i'll still most likely move onto OGSF after the 3 months of PM.
Today I woke up feeling much better, motivation is back, I went down the street fairly early to get stuff done and felt fairly comfortable. I've been more motivated today, I started writing a speech for tomorrow night that I was putting off and even considering not going to toastmasters because I wasn't enthused for it, today i'm tackling it and feel okay about doing so. I still was quite aware of when I seen attractive girls of my body going into stress mode, I decided to just move closer to them and focus on breathing, not sure if it helped. I need a way to be able to deal with it in the moment aswell as healing it at the core.
I read the comments about CPTSD in Shannon's journal discussion thread, i've done alot of stuff around trauma but never actually researched this version. But alot of what was written applies. I for years have had this 'thing' where i've created this ideal, fantasy image or character of me if I was a totally different person, who has all the things I want to be and I regularly get lost in imagining myself as him dealing with situations. I see it as disempowering me but haven't really found a way to deal with it, I think I likely come up with it as young, maybe a teenager but I can't remember. In my case I can't attribute it to resistance to a subliminal as it's been around much longer, but I can see what DarthXedonias was talking about, in that I may actually at times take the shift in mindset from the subliminal and apply it to my fantasies/imaginings being in situations and even apply it to this 'fantasy' self that I created instead of expressing it as much in my actual life. Fuck, it sounds like a complex thing to deal with, so no wonder the 'complex' part of the name.
I think me and Darth are describing kind of different things, but what he wrote stimulated these thoughts of how it applies to me.
And my body and mind responding to alot of things as a threat, I can see that, especially due to alot of my trauma during doing security, being attacked with an axe and other things. And not really feeling safe in the world. I'll go out with friends and such on and off, sometimes for a few weekends in a row then not do anything for a few weekends or longer. It seems to allow a little bit of 'exposure' to the world before going backwards into isolation. Damn.
I've mentioned that I did a course working with the higher self before using PM. I thought I could use it without conflict as it's more specifically targeted, and I did so maybe 2 or 3 times and it helped PM work better, but then the last time I used it.. it derailed PM quite a bit and I don't know why.
But with 2 weeks left in my planned listening time I thought why not just take one part of it. Not the part of getting rid of beliefs, but a part on allowing my systems to accept the goals of PM.
I did that last night and today I come out of the fog, it shows how much strong resistance I was having. I didn't even want to go down the street to pick up a parcel from the post office, had no motivation for anything in the last week or so. And also I had basically reached a point where I had 'given up' on PM and was just listening to get to the planned time, wheras today I feel more able to keep listening and more okay about continuing. Though i'll still most likely move onto OGSF after the 3 months of PM.
Today I woke up feeling much better, motivation is back, I went down the street fairly early to get stuff done and felt fairly comfortable. I've been more motivated today, I started writing a speech for tomorrow night that I was putting off and even considering not going to toastmasters because I wasn't enthused for it, today i'm tackling it and feel okay about doing so. I still was quite aware of when I seen attractive girls of my body going into stress mode, I decided to just move closer to them and focus on breathing, not sure if it helped. I need a way to be able to deal with it in the moment aswell as healing it at the core.
I read the comments about CPTSD in Shannon's journal discussion thread, i've done alot of stuff around trauma but never actually researched this version. But alot of what was written applies. I for years have had this 'thing' where i've created this ideal, fantasy image or character of me if I was a totally different person, who has all the things I want to be and I regularly get lost in imagining myself as him dealing with situations. I see it as disempowering me but haven't really found a way to deal with it, I think I likely come up with it as young, maybe a teenager but I can't remember. In my case I can't attribute it to resistance to a subliminal as it's been around much longer, but I can see what DarthXedonias was talking about, in that I may actually at times take the shift in mindset from the subliminal and apply it to my fantasies/imaginings being in situations and even apply it to this 'fantasy' self that I created instead of expressing it as much in my actual life. Fuck, it sounds like a complex thing to deal with, so no wonder the 'complex' part of the name.
I think me and Darth are describing kind of different things, but what he wrote stimulated these thoughts of how it applies to me.
And my body and mind responding to alot of things as a threat, I can see that, especially due to alot of my trauma during doing security, being attacked with an axe and other things. And not really feeling safe in the world. I'll go out with friends and such on and off, sometimes for a few weekends in a row then not do anything for a few weekends or longer. It seems to allow a little bit of 'exposure' to the world before going backwards into isolation. Damn.
