Had a good night last night.
I went to an open mic with some friends. Earlier in the day I messaged one of them to see if he was going, which definately shows my reluctance to contact friends and not wanting to do stuff was resistance. I also realized that it's likely all of these feelings I had that we were drifting apart with PM, that our energies were 'off' and such was all of my own bullshit very likely coming up.
Yes some comments on responses from others, but also stuff with myself.
When I first got there a random guy turned around and said hi to me which doesn't usually happen. I was a bit after that talking to a friend and this other guy come over and introduced himself, he was invited by the guy I was talking to, but I got this weird kind of gay vibe from him in the way he was looking at and responding to me.
A bit later talking to my 2 mates and 2 old guys come and asked where we were from and talked to them for a while. Again this doesn't usually happen too much.
One thing I become aware of today about PM is that i'm feeling less need to try to say hi to everyone just to 'be friendly' or whatever. Like last night I said hi to less people I seen, but I answered them if they said something. I noticed similar at a market today, unless there was a reason to talk to them or I had some kind of interest in something. And the girl who runs the open mic, who when we went to something of hers a while ago introduced herself and we talked a bit and seemed friendly, then at the last open mic when I went to talk to her basically blanked me and was rude, this was early on PM and I was fairly pissed off and I think PM was processing alot of stuff around it, now I lost interest in her and couldn't give much of a fuck even acknowledging her at all.
I didn't really listen to much of the music last night, was mainly talking.
The other cool thing is my friends daughter was skateboarding, and she wanted to show me different things.. then she wanted to teach me and her dad got his skateboard. At first I had this fear about falling off even just trying to stand on it and go along, usually i'd just be like "no" and not do it. But I kept going and went the furtherest standing on a skateboard than I ever have, which isn't far, but I felt good that I was able to do it. Later on I tried something and did fall off, but I was okay. I wanted to stop then but made myself do a little bit more after. Funny how it took a kid to get me to go out of my comfort zone and try this, when doing it I said to my friend (her dad) "It's interesting cos kids pick up this stuff easier cos there's not this fear like when you're older".
While skating over from where the signing was, there was this couple maybe early 20s, the girl was allright, the guy was a bit of a soyboy. I was having fun and they come down a ramp near us and I was in the flow and having fun and was like "have you come to learn skateboarding, i'm learning to skate" and seriously the guy just gave me this really weird look and made like an "eh" sound like a fucking retard, and they both just seemed to stare blankly. After it I was like "how the fuck does that idiot get a girlfriend that's decent and i'm struggling with that" (I mean I know the main answer, fear in my case) like he was too fucking weird and retarded to even reply properly.
I think that's the main things.
As for today, went out to a market and drove around a bit and a few shops. Alot of shit coming up and potential to go down in a spiral, but I kind of don't even have the energy to write about all of that, like I don't even want to. But some similar stuff to some earlier posts. I come home and am in the process of listening to 2 loops.
I went to an open mic with some friends. Earlier in the day I messaged one of them to see if he was going, which definately shows my reluctance to contact friends and not wanting to do stuff was resistance. I also realized that it's likely all of these feelings I had that we were drifting apart with PM, that our energies were 'off' and such was all of my own bullshit very likely coming up.
Yes some comments on responses from others, but also stuff with myself.
When I first got there a random guy turned around and said hi to me which doesn't usually happen. I was a bit after that talking to a friend and this other guy come over and introduced himself, he was invited by the guy I was talking to, but I got this weird kind of gay vibe from him in the way he was looking at and responding to me.
A bit later talking to my 2 mates and 2 old guys come and asked where we were from and talked to them for a while. Again this doesn't usually happen too much.
One thing I become aware of today about PM is that i'm feeling less need to try to say hi to everyone just to 'be friendly' or whatever. Like last night I said hi to less people I seen, but I answered them if they said something. I noticed similar at a market today, unless there was a reason to talk to them or I had some kind of interest in something. And the girl who runs the open mic, who when we went to something of hers a while ago introduced herself and we talked a bit and seemed friendly, then at the last open mic when I went to talk to her basically blanked me and was rude, this was early on PM and I was fairly pissed off and I think PM was processing alot of stuff around it, now I lost interest in her and couldn't give much of a fuck even acknowledging her at all.
I didn't really listen to much of the music last night, was mainly talking.
The other cool thing is my friends daughter was skateboarding, and she wanted to show me different things.. then she wanted to teach me and her dad got his skateboard. At first I had this fear about falling off even just trying to stand on it and go along, usually i'd just be like "no" and not do it. But I kept going and went the furtherest standing on a skateboard than I ever have, which isn't far, but I felt good that I was able to do it. Later on I tried something and did fall off, but I was okay. I wanted to stop then but made myself do a little bit more after. Funny how it took a kid to get me to go out of my comfort zone and try this, when doing it I said to my friend (her dad) "It's interesting cos kids pick up this stuff easier cos there's not this fear like when you're older".
While skating over from where the signing was, there was this couple maybe early 20s, the girl was allright, the guy was a bit of a soyboy. I was having fun and they come down a ramp near us and I was in the flow and having fun and was like "have you come to learn skateboarding, i'm learning to skate" and seriously the guy just gave me this really weird look and made like an "eh" sound like a fucking retard, and they both just seemed to stare blankly. After it I was like "how the fuck does that idiot get a girlfriend that's decent and i'm struggling with that" (I mean I know the main answer, fear in my case) like he was too fucking weird and retarded to even reply properly.
I think that's the main things.
As for today, went out to a market and drove around a bit and a few shops. Alot of shit coming up and potential to go down in a spiral, but I kind of don't even have the energy to write about all of that, like I don't even want to. But some similar stuff to some earlier posts. I come home and am in the process of listening to 2 loops.
