More bs, I have been wondering if this part of me that is 'sabotaging' is partly a cause of this.
So i've mainly been doing 8 loops, then I had the strong urge to go back to 4. It's like i've mentioned before when I did a bodybuilding program in the past you do selective overtraining then dial it back, it felt like that. After the first night on 4 loops it felt like things were opening up and even more insecurities were coming up like it gave it the space to work.
A few days ago playing a game there was a brief sex scene in it, after it I was like "fuck I shouldn't have chosen that option" but somehow even in games it 'feels' like it's important to do so like it gives me a little bit of a feeling of achieving it even if it's in a game. Why I shouldn't have chosen it was that seeing tits in it triggered the desire to want to look at porn. I resisted it and it passed.
Then yesterday I decided to work on the resistance with the method I was studying before starting PM. I've done it several times on PM so far, and so far it didn't seem to conflict, it actually seemed to help open things up.
Doing it yesterday, I dug through a couple of layers and I found "I don't want to take responsibility for my life" and "I can't handle taking responsibility for my life". The layer above that was "It's too hard being a man" and similar variations. I worked on the responsibility ones.
After doing this work I didn't feel that I had derailed PM like I have felt in the past with other programs and i've derailed it. But I did notice that it did something in that the urge to look at porn increased massively, and I went on a binge. I KNEW and thought before it "each time this takes me further away from having sex for real" but it doesn't matter, it's like this bullshit just automatically hijacks me and I can't stop it, I manage to get through it for a while then it hits.
But this shows me how much PM is helping me not look at porn. I think each time it's been a good amount of time between, noticably longer than before starting PM. But I still get annoyed that I fucked myself over again. So I somehow derailed something in PM and whatever was stopping me from looking at porn was disrupted.
Also after that strong resistance, wanting to use something else. This morning I was very, very close to just saying "fuck it" and doing OSC.
Then I realized.. this exact thing that's happening represents what I worked on. Not wanting to take responsibility, just wanting to run away to something else.
When I realized that I relaxed, and I thought "Okay, in 4 days i'm at the 2 month mark, and I decided i'd commit to 3 months, so i'm going to take responsibility for that and keep going for the 3 months then decide."
Also after I seemed to 'derail' PM I noticed a subtle sense of 'something' like a vibe from PM was gone.. when this happens, or when the sabotage has come up and it seems like all the results have disappeared like i've reported several times.. I always notice that this happens, that I was feeling different but it's subtle and somehow at the same time distinct, but I only notice that after disrupting it and it disappears.
Like each time now i'm pissed off thinking "fuck I totally destroyed my whole vibe and other things PM was doing, what if it doesn't build up again?".
I also at the same time where I really wanted to run away to something else, I started having thoughts of "Ok it's doing something, remember when I seen myself on the camera in the supermarket and my walk was noticably different and I almost didn't recognize myself" and a few other things.. so it is doing something definately. But really i'm sick of spending 6+ months on programs, getting 'some' stuff but not the full expression, not a 'transformation' where i'm moving forward in a concrete way.. it's almost like i'm moving 'sideways' if that makes sense.
Again if this sabotage shit wasn't happening, i'd have MUCH more distinct shifts that I start noticing are happening but in that moment are derailed and lessened quite a bit and it stops the realization that was starting to happen. You know when you just have it 'hit' you at the body level and you realize something and there is a shift. I used to have that and it would bring noticable shifts, now it gets sabotaged.
Also those feelings of "nothing ever works for me, nothings going to work for me" have come back after all of this, where it seemed PM had dealt with some of those feelings and thoughts. Part of wanting to goto OSC is thinking "Ok will 6g better deal with this sabotage, am I just wasting my time continuing with PM."
All convincing, rational thoughts that 'make sense' but are they just resistance? It can be very hard to know, because sometimes these kinds of thoughts can be true. Though the timing of it of course suggest resistance.
Ah.. just keep going.
So i've mainly been doing 8 loops, then I had the strong urge to go back to 4. It's like i've mentioned before when I did a bodybuilding program in the past you do selective overtraining then dial it back, it felt like that. After the first night on 4 loops it felt like things were opening up and even more insecurities were coming up like it gave it the space to work.
A few days ago playing a game there was a brief sex scene in it, after it I was like "fuck I shouldn't have chosen that option" but somehow even in games it 'feels' like it's important to do so like it gives me a little bit of a feeling of achieving it even if it's in a game. Why I shouldn't have chosen it was that seeing tits in it triggered the desire to want to look at porn. I resisted it and it passed.
Then yesterday I decided to work on the resistance with the method I was studying before starting PM. I've done it several times on PM so far, and so far it didn't seem to conflict, it actually seemed to help open things up.
Doing it yesterday, I dug through a couple of layers and I found "I don't want to take responsibility for my life" and "I can't handle taking responsibility for my life". The layer above that was "It's too hard being a man" and similar variations. I worked on the responsibility ones.
After doing this work I didn't feel that I had derailed PM like I have felt in the past with other programs and i've derailed it. But I did notice that it did something in that the urge to look at porn increased massively, and I went on a binge. I KNEW and thought before it "each time this takes me further away from having sex for real" but it doesn't matter, it's like this bullshit just automatically hijacks me and I can't stop it, I manage to get through it for a while then it hits.
But this shows me how much PM is helping me not look at porn. I think each time it's been a good amount of time between, noticably longer than before starting PM. But I still get annoyed that I fucked myself over again. So I somehow derailed something in PM and whatever was stopping me from looking at porn was disrupted.
Also after that strong resistance, wanting to use something else. This morning I was very, very close to just saying "fuck it" and doing OSC.
Then I realized.. this exact thing that's happening represents what I worked on. Not wanting to take responsibility, just wanting to run away to something else.
When I realized that I relaxed, and I thought "Okay, in 4 days i'm at the 2 month mark, and I decided i'd commit to 3 months, so i'm going to take responsibility for that and keep going for the 3 months then decide."
Also after I seemed to 'derail' PM I noticed a subtle sense of 'something' like a vibe from PM was gone.. when this happens, or when the sabotage has come up and it seems like all the results have disappeared like i've reported several times.. I always notice that this happens, that I was feeling different but it's subtle and somehow at the same time distinct, but I only notice that after disrupting it and it disappears.
Like each time now i'm pissed off thinking "fuck I totally destroyed my whole vibe and other things PM was doing, what if it doesn't build up again?".
I also at the same time where I really wanted to run away to something else, I started having thoughts of "Ok it's doing something, remember when I seen myself on the camera in the supermarket and my walk was noticably different and I almost didn't recognize myself" and a few other things.. so it is doing something definately. But really i'm sick of spending 6+ months on programs, getting 'some' stuff but not the full expression, not a 'transformation' where i'm moving forward in a concrete way.. it's almost like i'm moving 'sideways' if that makes sense.
Again if this sabotage shit wasn't happening, i'd have MUCH more distinct shifts that I start noticing are happening but in that moment are derailed and lessened quite a bit and it stops the realization that was starting to happen. You know when you just have it 'hit' you at the body level and you realize something and there is a shift. I used to have that and it would bring noticable shifts, now it gets sabotaged.
Also those feelings of "nothing ever works for me, nothings going to work for me" have come back after all of this, where it seemed PM had dealt with some of those feelings and thoughts. Part of wanting to goto OSC is thinking "Ok will 6g better deal with this sabotage, am I just wasting my time continuing with PM."
All convincing, rational thoughts that 'make sense' but are they just resistance? It can be very hard to know, because sometimes these kinds of thoughts can be true. Though the timing of it of course suggest resistance.
Ah.. just keep going.
