Still sticking with it, the frustration is not knowing the difference between resistance coming up, or something being worked through, or this 'sabotage' derailing and ruining it. Or if they are all connected.
Something seems to be getting worked on. 2 days ago I went down the street and my vibe was strong, got a smile from across a shop from a woman staring at me, then she walked back past a few minutes later and said "sorry" cos she was trying to get past, but sometimes that's a way to get attention. She was way older than I thought but I was going to talk to her, then I turned around and she went up to a man who I assume was her husband weird.
The woman serving me wasn't attractive but was really happy and expanded on it noticably when I asked how the day was going. And when I walked out a woman walking towards me up the steps was staring at me and giving me a vibe too.
I went to another shop and don't remember anything noticable, but I was feeling good and calm.
Then last night or this morning I was thinking about how much I like this 'thick skin' effect from PM, and the sabotage then come up strongly which is how it tends to work.
Had a few dreams last night, one was a sex dream but the others were me looking at porn.. I realized that it's working through these issues that make me want to look at porn, which tends to be frustration at not having sex or being able to find a girlfriend. I was thinking about how it's awesome PM is lessening my urge to look at porn.. and again the sabotage come up and really derailed that.
Eventually I went down the street, and I felt awkward and a little uncomfortable. Where i've been feeling calm and comfortable and not caring much about other guys, though still staying aware, it was like I felt an increased 'threat' and I wouldn't say intimidation but increased 'reactiveness' and felt like other guys were more dominant than me and I was the one shrinking when they would come past me. I fucking hate that feeling, it seems PM is working on something around that.
And this time the vibe I was projecting seemed to be repulsing girls. I seen one walk into a shop with a pram and someone drew me to her, I went to the toilet then went into that shop, she was coming out and I was looking at her and she kind of had a I guess bitchy kind of look on her face, and this is something else i've noticed a few times on PM when i'm making eye contact with girls, sometimes it seems they have their mouth open or almost like they are wanting to say something but cant.. sounds fucking weird I know but it's the best I can explain it. I've also seen this reaction when my vibe is good, I don't know how to interpret it from this girl though.
Then walked past a bookshop and seen a girl working who inspired me, and I went in, she seemed to give me a weird look and try to avoid me. I then walked past her and she gave me that look where she is disregarding me and just looked to the side, and it fucking pissed me off.
Then 2 other customers come in and she said "how's it going today" to them but said nothing to me. I was thinking "what the fuck is your problem, why the fuck do you say hi to them" and thinking aggressive thoughts. Really I could have said "hi" to her, but I didn't. I need to stop waiting for them to do so and take the lead, obviously there is fear around that alot of the time.
This reminds me of earlier on PM when I talked to a girl at a music thing who i've talked to before and she basically disregarded me and walked off and I was getting really aggressive thoughts and really affected by it. So it seems it's digging deeper into whatever that is, it passed a bit after with this first girl and I was then okay with it, and come back in force today.
Actually not coincidentally, this kind of frustration and annoyance, fear of rejection and how much it affects me is one of the main things that has sent me to porn in the past. I'm feeling kind of okay now, a bit 'low' but feel like i'm able to deal with those feelings. I'm listening to a loop of ocean surf currently.
Also i've been feeling like I look better physically, but today with all this stuff coming up I was looking in the mirror and thinking that I look fat and that nothing is improving at all.
Something seems to be getting worked on. 2 days ago I went down the street and my vibe was strong, got a smile from across a shop from a woman staring at me, then she walked back past a few minutes later and said "sorry" cos she was trying to get past, but sometimes that's a way to get attention. She was way older than I thought but I was going to talk to her, then I turned around and she went up to a man who I assume was her husband weird.
The woman serving me wasn't attractive but was really happy and expanded on it noticably when I asked how the day was going. And when I walked out a woman walking towards me up the steps was staring at me and giving me a vibe too.
I went to another shop and don't remember anything noticable, but I was feeling good and calm.
Then last night or this morning I was thinking about how much I like this 'thick skin' effect from PM, and the sabotage then come up strongly which is how it tends to work.
Had a few dreams last night, one was a sex dream but the others were me looking at porn.. I realized that it's working through these issues that make me want to look at porn, which tends to be frustration at not having sex or being able to find a girlfriend. I was thinking about how it's awesome PM is lessening my urge to look at porn.. and again the sabotage come up and really derailed that.
Eventually I went down the street, and I felt awkward and a little uncomfortable. Where i've been feeling calm and comfortable and not caring much about other guys, though still staying aware, it was like I felt an increased 'threat' and I wouldn't say intimidation but increased 'reactiveness' and felt like other guys were more dominant than me and I was the one shrinking when they would come past me. I fucking hate that feeling, it seems PM is working on something around that.
And this time the vibe I was projecting seemed to be repulsing girls. I seen one walk into a shop with a pram and someone drew me to her, I went to the toilet then went into that shop, she was coming out and I was looking at her and she kind of had a I guess bitchy kind of look on her face, and this is something else i've noticed a few times on PM when i'm making eye contact with girls, sometimes it seems they have their mouth open or almost like they are wanting to say something but cant.. sounds fucking weird I know but it's the best I can explain it. I've also seen this reaction when my vibe is good, I don't know how to interpret it from this girl though.
Then walked past a bookshop and seen a girl working who inspired me, and I went in, she seemed to give me a weird look and try to avoid me. I then walked past her and she gave me that look where she is disregarding me and just looked to the side, and it fucking pissed me off.
Then 2 other customers come in and she said "how's it going today" to them but said nothing to me. I was thinking "what the fuck is your problem, why the fuck do you say hi to them" and thinking aggressive thoughts. Really I could have said "hi" to her, but I didn't. I need to stop waiting for them to do so and take the lead, obviously there is fear around that alot of the time.
This reminds me of earlier on PM when I talked to a girl at a music thing who i've talked to before and she basically disregarded me and walked off and I was getting really aggressive thoughts and really affected by it. So it seems it's digging deeper into whatever that is, it passed a bit after with this first girl and I was then okay with it, and come back in force today.
Actually not coincidentally, this kind of frustration and annoyance, fear of rejection and how much it affects me is one of the main things that has sent me to porn in the past. I'm feeling kind of okay now, a bit 'low' but feel like i'm able to deal with those feelings. I'm listening to a loop of ocean surf currently.
Also i've been feeling like I look better physically, but today with all this stuff coming up I was looking in the mirror and thinking that I look fat and that nothing is improving at all.
