On Saturday I had the PM vibe really kick in, it was awesome.
Every girl or woman that served me was responding really well, all happy, seemed attracted and bubbly. And I was talking to them more, subtly in ways I usually wouldn't.
I was getting annoyed that there was a lack of things to go, the same old shit. Then I drove around a bit and went to a shop I don't usually go. The cute girl working putting stuff on shelves gave me the biggest smile and I said a few things to her and she responded happily. I even complimented her on how well the store was decorated which I wouldn't usually do and she seemed happy.
Then went to an art place that just opened near there, there was a woman on the phone I didn't really pay much attention to. Then she started talking to me after she hung up, turns out she was the owner. She was actually fairly attractive and was giving all kinds of signals, playing with her necklace, all feminine and bubbly. I mentioned something about drawing and after a bit I got a big uncomfortable even though I wanted to stay and keep talking and was like "Ok good luck, I better get going" then she reinitiated by saying "Bring your drawings in anytime" which was a big hint, I chatted a bit more and left.
I sat in my car like "fuck, that was so obvious and I noticed the signals" but I was still having this insecurity "what if i'm wrong and I ask her out and she rejects me". I sat there for a bit wanting to go back in but I didn't. I drove past when I left and the shop must have closed. I definately regretted it, she was showing the most attraction i've had from a woman in a while, though I guess a similar amount to the one at the psychic market. Alot of frustration that I keep missing opportunities cos of my fucking fear, and today again feeling like what's the point of putting in all this effort into other things when I don't seem to get where I want and this crazy fear still stops me.
That night some sabotage come up and derailed alot of it, and I suddenly felt weird and insecure about the things I was doing, how I was talking to the girls and suddenly felt kind of weird and anxious about it, I guess a bit like "Is that really me?" as i'm not used to it.
The last few days i've been feeling a bit low and frustrated. Explored the resistance yesterday and some stuff kicked back in, like my sex drive last night in bed.
But along with that is this frustration, feeling like I don't give a fuck about much and feeling really bored at everything. The frustration tends to build, like I can't handle my sex drive or desire and the pattern has been that I goto porn. If I manage to hold it off for a while my thoughts go really dark and I get more frustrated and can't really focus, and I don't know what to do about it.
If I goto porn it drains my drive, my energy, my strength and enthusiasm with working out and sets me back with that, and also drains my confidence and makes me feel worse.
Definately other stuff coming up too, along with that frustration is some aggression towards certain people and how everything they preach and spread in the world causes the destruction of anything good and replied to a few of them on facebook and aggressive thoughts of getting into arguments with them if I come across it in person.. so it's definately working on something around my reactiveness and being triggered by it.
As alot of the time on PM, i've known that I don't like it but i've been alot less emotionally reactive. Today it's like alot of that come back and more.
Every girl or woman that served me was responding really well, all happy, seemed attracted and bubbly. And I was talking to them more, subtly in ways I usually wouldn't.
I was getting annoyed that there was a lack of things to go, the same old shit. Then I drove around a bit and went to a shop I don't usually go. The cute girl working putting stuff on shelves gave me the biggest smile and I said a few things to her and she responded happily. I even complimented her on how well the store was decorated which I wouldn't usually do and she seemed happy.
Then went to an art place that just opened near there, there was a woman on the phone I didn't really pay much attention to. Then she started talking to me after she hung up, turns out she was the owner. She was actually fairly attractive and was giving all kinds of signals, playing with her necklace, all feminine and bubbly. I mentioned something about drawing and after a bit I got a big uncomfortable even though I wanted to stay and keep talking and was like "Ok good luck, I better get going" then she reinitiated by saying "Bring your drawings in anytime" which was a big hint, I chatted a bit more and left.
I sat in my car like "fuck, that was so obvious and I noticed the signals" but I was still having this insecurity "what if i'm wrong and I ask her out and she rejects me". I sat there for a bit wanting to go back in but I didn't. I drove past when I left and the shop must have closed. I definately regretted it, she was showing the most attraction i've had from a woman in a while, though I guess a similar amount to the one at the psychic market. Alot of frustration that I keep missing opportunities cos of my fucking fear, and today again feeling like what's the point of putting in all this effort into other things when I don't seem to get where I want and this crazy fear still stops me.
That night some sabotage come up and derailed alot of it, and I suddenly felt weird and insecure about the things I was doing, how I was talking to the girls and suddenly felt kind of weird and anxious about it, I guess a bit like "Is that really me?" as i'm not used to it.
The last few days i've been feeling a bit low and frustrated. Explored the resistance yesterday and some stuff kicked back in, like my sex drive last night in bed.
But along with that is this frustration, feeling like I don't give a fuck about much and feeling really bored at everything. The frustration tends to build, like I can't handle my sex drive or desire and the pattern has been that I goto porn. If I manage to hold it off for a while my thoughts go really dark and I get more frustrated and can't really focus, and I don't know what to do about it.
If I goto porn it drains my drive, my energy, my strength and enthusiasm with working out and sets me back with that, and also drains my confidence and makes me feel worse.
Definately other stuff coming up too, along with that frustration is some aggression towards certain people and how everything they preach and spread in the world causes the destruction of anything good and replied to a few of them on facebook and aggressive thoughts of getting into arguments with them if I come across it in person.. so it's definately working on something around my reactiveness and being triggered by it.
As alot of the time on PM, i've known that I don't like it but i've been alot less emotionally reactive. Today it's like alot of that come back and more.
