Eh.. I had some bs almost completely derail PM.
As soon as it happened I become aware of the definite but subtle difference I was feeling. This has happened in the past when i've derailed other programs, realizing they were both doing more than I thought, but also not 'breaking through' in certain areas.
Felt my insecurities flooding back in, like they were in progress being worked on. Even stuff like little things I did when hanging out with my friends and feeling anxious or guilty about doing those things, when at the time they felt natural and okay. (eg checking girls out).
Then went on a porn binge which didn't help, stopped at less times than usual but then again today 2 days later. And also getting 'stuck' looking at bs on social media even more. (PM was really lessening that which is good).
I went down the street today though to a couple of shops and this was interesting. I was more talkative, I noticed the woman in the fruit shop who I said was standoffish last week was okay, happy and laughing heaps again. Makes sense since PM was derailed so my vibe lessened, she may have an issue with masculinity with something she has said in the past.
Went to another shop and talked to the girl who served me and she was responsive. She's a bit fat but okay, but I was thinking about it after and I come up with a theory. So PM was working to 'increase my level' so to speak, and I was looking at more attractive girls, but not feeling totally comfortable and not really talking to them, and now it's like that was disrupted and my mind settled at my level that it's more comfortable with.
Also I was noticing i've started to look better, and today I looked in the mirror and was like "fuck I look fat". So maybe it was my perception shifting, and the other thought that my self image was shifting and PM was moving me towards it (being in better shape) and I was perceiving that. I do feel i'm in a bit better shape though and have noticed some increased strength.
I was struggling with my workout this morning. I've had this a few other times in that i'll be doing my warmup (foam rolling and such) and be really tired, and just lay there and be like "what's the fucking point, I should not just do my workout". That went on for a while then I suddenly was like "no, fucking stop, shut the fuck up and stop being a victim, i'm doing this workout" and I felt a bit better and ended up doing the workout and it went pretty good.
This "what's the fucking point" thing is a familiar pattern that comes up strongly and fairly intensely at times in general, not just working out. Like "Fuck it, I distupted, fucked up, destroyed my results again, why am I even bothering" then I just keep on going, something keeps me going, but I keep wondering "is it just going to be enough one day and I just reach the end of the determination and just give up".
When PM was kicking in and flowing I felt good on it and okay to continue it. Now that it was interrupted and it feels pretty much like I destroyed a month of progress (thought - is this some other type of resistance that tries to stop me?) i'm more considering just going onto a 6g program. Whether that be OSC, or probably more useful for me OGSF. Shannon said OGSF v2 was hitting pretty directly upon my core issues which is why I fucking hated it and it was my least favourite program. It'd be interesting to see what 6g does.
Of course AM7 is a big fuck yes for me at some stage.
As soon as it happened I become aware of the definite but subtle difference I was feeling. This has happened in the past when i've derailed other programs, realizing they were both doing more than I thought, but also not 'breaking through' in certain areas.
Felt my insecurities flooding back in, like they were in progress being worked on. Even stuff like little things I did when hanging out with my friends and feeling anxious or guilty about doing those things, when at the time they felt natural and okay. (eg checking girls out).
Then went on a porn binge which didn't help, stopped at less times than usual but then again today 2 days later. And also getting 'stuck' looking at bs on social media even more. (PM was really lessening that which is good).
I went down the street today though to a couple of shops and this was interesting. I was more talkative, I noticed the woman in the fruit shop who I said was standoffish last week was okay, happy and laughing heaps again. Makes sense since PM was derailed so my vibe lessened, she may have an issue with masculinity with something she has said in the past.
Went to another shop and talked to the girl who served me and she was responsive. She's a bit fat but okay, but I was thinking about it after and I come up with a theory. So PM was working to 'increase my level' so to speak, and I was looking at more attractive girls, but not feeling totally comfortable and not really talking to them, and now it's like that was disrupted and my mind settled at my level that it's more comfortable with.
Also I was noticing i've started to look better, and today I looked in the mirror and was like "fuck I look fat". So maybe it was my perception shifting, and the other thought that my self image was shifting and PM was moving me towards it (being in better shape) and I was perceiving that. I do feel i'm in a bit better shape though and have noticed some increased strength.
I was struggling with my workout this morning. I've had this a few other times in that i'll be doing my warmup (foam rolling and such) and be really tired, and just lay there and be like "what's the fucking point, I should not just do my workout". That went on for a while then I suddenly was like "no, fucking stop, shut the fuck up and stop being a victim, i'm doing this workout" and I felt a bit better and ended up doing the workout and it went pretty good.
This "what's the fucking point" thing is a familiar pattern that comes up strongly and fairly intensely at times in general, not just working out. Like "Fuck it, I distupted, fucked up, destroyed my results again, why am I even bothering" then I just keep on going, something keeps me going, but I keep wondering "is it just going to be enough one day and I just reach the end of the determination and just give up".
When PM was kicking in and flowing I felt good on it and okay to continue it. Now that it was interrupted and it feels pretty much like I destroyed a month of progress (thought - is this some other type of resistance that tries to stop me?) i'm more considering just going onto a 6g program. Whether that be OSC, or probably more useful for me OGSF. Shannon said OGSF v2 was hitting pretty directly upon my core issues which is why I fucking hated it and it was my least favourite program. It'd be interesting to see what 6g does.
Of course AM7 is a big fuck yes for me at some stage.
