My energy levels are a bit better since yesterday. But it kind of feels like the 'energy' is being drained out of everything, motivation is massively down, barely any energy to take inspired action, even coming across different ways to set goals in writing it's like "what's the fucking point, it never works" like all the feelings from the last few years of constantly trying to do this and it not amounting to much is coming up all at once.
Not 'feeling' like much is happening, but i'm seeing my dreams being affected though i'm not remembering them as much, I just know there's a difference in how they are presenting.
Not feeling much confidence when i'm going out, none of the calmness and strength I felt initially while listening. But the subtle thing that i'm noticing is there is 'something' a bit different when some girls serve me in shops, like their smile. But it seems mainly with the more feminine ones, a couple of more masculine ones just seemed deadpan, one even kind of rude and annoyed though her words were poilte on the surface. And today I realized one that served me I had a bit of a thing for her and now today she just didn't interest me, she just seems grumpy and unfriendly in general, and a bit of a masculine vibe. And I realized that usually I basically want approval from every single girl without even asking myself do I even like her or does she interest me.
That stood out today when she served me and I just had no interest, plus didn't even care about talking to her. Whereas i'd usually beat myself up for not doing so.
I also feel like I may be getting a bit of guidance towards body based practices. A few days ago was a body based meditation and it sounds very interesting, I wasn't sure if i'm getting guided to it or it's resistance trying to get me to do something else to interrupt. But then today I found another things that is also body based but specifically to get into your masculinity. I've been looking for things like qigong and such specifically for this and have never really found much.. now I suddenly find it and i'm getting this strong urge to take up a morning practice again (I was doing qigong for a long time, but stopped a few months ago).
But since i'm not sure if it will conflict and what the course would actually contain i'm hesitant. My mind keeps going back to it though and this urge that I haven't felt for a while is coming up "do this practice in the morning". Funnily enough this is about the only real motivation i've had towards anything for the whole week.
As I said the more hopeless i'm feeling the more urges I get to increase loops.
It's not like on AM where I had this strong intensity like anger, frustration and such.. it's just like the energy is drained out of everything, my ability to take action towards something, motivation to improve where i'm at because I feel like it's hopeless and have done a huge amount of work on it, especially the last 6-12 months doing several courses, one with some personal coaching and got very little from it. Some temporary good things to report that could make a good testimonial, but that didn't stick in the long term, i've almost been getting to a worse place over time doing all of this work, with especially the last 3 month course it was a substantial amount.
Also I feel that i'm becoming more boring, more bland, more of a 'nice-guy' vibe. There's nothing really to show that actually happening, but it's really how i'm feeling. Like the sense of 'aliveness' is also being drained.
This is 'intense' in a different way, not big loud, raging intensity.. but like something strong weighing me down and draining any ability to do anything about this. Or just making all of this totally obvious because these feelings have been building over time, but have really increased since starting PM.
Not 'feeling' like much is happening, but i'm seeing my dreams being affected though i'm not remembering them as much, I just know there's a difference in how they are presenting.
Not feeling much confidence when i'm going out, none of the calmness and strength I felt initially while listening. But the subtle thing that i'm noticing is there is 'something' a bit different when some girls serve me in shops, like their smile. But it seems mainly with the more feminine ones, a couple of more masculine ones just seemed deadpan, one even kind of rude and annoyed though her words were poilte on the surface. And today I realized one that served me I had a bit of a thing for her and now today she just didn't interest me, she just seems grumpy and unfriendly in general, and a bit of a masculine vibe. And I realized that usually I basically want approval from every single girl without even asking myself do I even like her or does she interest me.
That stood out today when she served me and I just had no interest, plus didn't even care about talking to her. Whereas i'd usually beat myself up for not doing so.
I also feel like I may be getting a bit of guidance towards body based practices. A few days ago was a body based meditation and it sounds very interesting, I wasn't sure if i'm getting guided to it or it's resistance trying to get me to do something else to interrupt. But then today I found another things that is also body based but specifically to get into your masculinity. I've been looking for things like qigong and such specifically for this and have never really found much.. now I suddenly find it and i'm getting this strong urge to take up a morning practice again (I was doing qigong for a long time, but stopped a few months ago).
But since i'm not sure if it will conflict and what the course would actually contain i'm hesitant. My mind keeps going back to it though and this urge that I haven't felt for a while is coming up "do this practice in the morning". Funnily enough this is about the only real motivation i've had towards anything for the whole week.
As I said the more hopeless i'm feeling the more urges I get to increase loops.
It's not like on AM where I had this strong intensity like anger, frustration and such.. it's just like the energy is drained out of everything, my ability to take action towards something, motivation to improve where i'm at because I feel like it's hopeless and have done a huge amount of work on it, especially the last 6-12 months doing several courses, one with some personal coaching and got very little from it. Some temporary good things to report that could make a good testimonial, but that didn't stick in the long term, i've almost been getting to a worse place over time doing all of this work, with especially the last 3 month course it was a substantial amount.
Also I feel that i'm becoming more boring, more bland, more of a 'nice-guy' vibe. There's nothing really to show that actually happening, but it's really how i'm feeling. Like the sense of 'aliveness' is also being drained.
This is 'intense' in a different way, not big loud, raging intensity.. but like something strong weighing me down and draining any ability to do anything about this. Or just making all of this totally obvious because these feelings have been building over time, but have really increased since starting PM.
